liquid

my thoughts elude me
as i try to grasp them;
like water, they slide through my hands,
and i feel helpless as they soak the ground.

you ask me for an answer,
so i wrestle with the earth
to try and give you a glimpse of my intentions;
but it turns to mud, and I mess the house

(it dries, and so do i,
cracked, unable to stand, and i crumble in your hands)

when will the rain soothe the parchness?
will the time ever come,
when liquid turns to solid,
when my soul sings again?

for lack of a better blog

Hmmm, I think I have gone the longest stretch of not blogging a blog since my debut in September, 2005. What to write? A poem? Another entry of my "coffeeshop diaries" (which only I understand anyways)? Take everyone on a tour of Alberta's "World's Largest [insert item here]" complete with picture, description, and witty comment? Or how about just rambling on about whatever pops into this head of mine. Yes, that could be fun. Random, but fun.

Let's start with today. Today I wanted so badly to sleep as long as I possibly could. But then I started thinking about some of the errands I needed to run, and I couldn't really sleep...but oh how I tried. I finally got up after I realized that someone may be coming to my apartment for the annual inspection any time between 9am and 5pm any day this whole week, and I thought, wouldn't it be embarassing if I was sleeping...and not in a decent state, and they came in to do the inspection, and there I was, sprawled out in bed. How embarassing, if I must say. I don't know why they don't actually state the day that they're coming by, so that I can be atleast somewhat prepared. What if I'm in the shower? What if the place is a complete disastor? Why are they doing stupid annual inspections anyways? We just moved in two months ago, and they renovated the entire suite, so I don't think we could have put holes in ALL the walls, or stained the whole carpet, or burned the stove into smitherines. I think its stupid. I better hide my tip jar full of money so that it doesn't go missing. I don't trust these "inspectors."

Hmmm...what am I to write now? Tell a scandalous tale of romance? hmmm... perhaps a haiku would be appropriate. It is one I see written in my journal during my semantics class. Apparently it was during the section on propositional logic (for those of you who are unsure, a haiku is a three line poem, where the syllabic structure is 5, 7, 5, and verses don't rhyme):

Class from the devil
Comprehension is futile
Why me, oh, why me?

here's one on road rage:

cut off, temper flares
leaning on horn, grab the club
fist shaking in air

And perhaps a more "spiritual" haiku:

Rays of light shine through
old decrepid pottery
hope shows its color

Well, that's all I got for now. If anyone would like to submit a haiku, feel free. Throw one in there about Moons over my Hammy. Come on people, there hasn't been one submission to my contest! The prize is worth it, let me tell you!!

Dreams

Dreams; not the REM ones, but the ones that motivate us to act in certain ways, to choose certain paths- they are a strange thing. As children, we dream of the great accomplishments that we will make when we are adults: when we are so much wiser, richer, and able to do these tasks. But as we age, dreams change. They are not always motivated by fantastic ideas, grandieur in nature, created with a limitless imagination (as they are when we are children), but become more realistic, more "practical." But are they? Sometimes, yes. Adults sometimes dream of having a nice family with a nice, stable home and a good job. Some dream of writing prize winning novels or radio-worthy music, and dedicate their lives to these tasks. But others dream of wealth, fame, power, and influence. Greed and pride is the driving force behind these aspirations. And people become blind to the consequences of pursuing their dreams. Others are hurt, nations are driven apart, all for one person's gain. But what do they gain? In the end it is meaningless. Empty people are walking in hopes to fill their lives through self-gratification. Empty people are reaching into their empty souls, their resources dry, and this will go on for the rest of their life, for they will never be satisfied. But somewhere along the way, Someone presents himself to each and every one of us. He who holds within himself life, riches, and fulfillment in abundance. Those who realize their depravity and the hopelessness of their situation take freely what the Stranger has to offer. But pride and ignorance smothers the rest, and they choke, for their lifeless dreams bind them to a sealed room with no air. The window is there to be opened, but they stubbornly choose to die. Having God as your motivation and inspiration is the only way to fulfillment. Let him guide your dreams.

The adventures of Superjan: a list of strange events

So I have decided to compile a short list on the top X number of strangest things I have experienced in my short 23 and a half years of existence. The reason I say "X" number is because once my mind gets going on this type of thing, I may or may not think of many wild and wacky things to list. Note that my list may include experiences from many different areas, including and not limited to the following: relationships, food, travel, family...etc.


1. I have eaten some strange food- well, it seems strange to my Canadian palate, but perhaps it is normal in other parts of the world. This includes california rolls with hot dogs in them (ITS REAL!!! Ask the Schienbeins!) . It also includes cow-tongue tacos and some sort of animal intestine stew....mmm..chewy. Perhaps the worst meal I have experienced was when one of my former bf's tried to make me a "romantic meal"- which consisted of seasoned breaded pork chops, kraft dinner, and minute rice. Where are the veggies???? (He was convinced that rice was the vegetable).

2. I have heard some strange sounds produced by the human body. Particularly, in a family such as mine, where we eat some, well, gas producing substances. My sister is the queen of strange bodily noises. The wackiest of them all was when she burped, sneezed, farted, hiccoughed and cleared her throat all at the same time. Oh man...

3. Waking up with an entire bag of flour poured over my head was definitey strange. I know I was an annoying little sister, but I didn't think it was enough to warrant pouring 10 lbs of flour on a sleeping asthmatic. My brother is lucky I didn't die. When I had a bath to attempt to remove all the flour, my hair kept turning into dough. I think I washed it four times before it all came out. I don't know how I survived that cruel treatment from the older brother that I adored.

4. Working at The House, I had strange experiences every day. I met some pretty "special" people. One person in particular came in one day and started chatting with me, and as part of my job, we were required to chat with our customers, build relationships, etc. So, I just humoured this person in his ramblings (and I mean RAMBLINGS). It was pretty close to election time, and he was going on and on about how he was a campaigner for the Conservative Party. Now, I am not particularly fond of discussions on politics, and after awhile, I made it known to this individual on my feelings on these issues. He then proceeded to verbally slam me, saying that I was stupid because I didn't like politics. And he then started saying things like "anyone who doesn't vote for the conservatives deserves to die. Yes, I will throw them infront of the C-Train." And he was really adament, and talking really loudly, and clearly disturbing my other customers. So I calmy told him that he would have to leave because we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour, and he left The House in a rage, pointing his finger at me while he walked out the door, talking in the first person plural, saying "we won't forget this!! You're going to get it!!" Well, needless to say, I was quite shaken by this crazy young man, whom as I was later told, was a schizophrenic who didn't take his meds, and he was kicked out of every other store in the Kensington area." For awhile after, however, I still refused to work late night shifts and close the shop alone.

5. Another strange work related experience: I worked with a child with special needs, and this individual had a particular obsession with diapers. It was not uncommon for me to go to work, and the child come at me with no pants, flailing a diaper wildly in the air, and trying to convince me to "tape diaper on please." It was really awkward, cause this individual was maybe 6 inches taller than me and outweighed me by probably 50 lbs. I was scared.

6. I have been dumped my fair share of times. I have heard it all from "I'm in love with my ex who cheated on me, and she wants me back real bad, so I'm taking her back and we're getting married" to "uhhhh....I think we should just be friends (really meaning "I'm in love with my ex who dumped me cause I'm an idiot and I just dated you to make her jealous, but now I really want to marry her"). Oh, I was also seeing someone who went on a two week mountain bike trip with his buddies, and came back and told me (no jokes) "On my trip, I didn't miss you at all, so I think that's a sign that we shouldn't be together." But the single strangest excuse tops them all: "I want to become a monk. And monks can't get married. So I don't want to lead you on forever if its never going to end in marriage." And to this day, I think he is still single. And I'm not certain he's actually going to be a monk. Just a remain a single journalist for the rest of his days (by his choice! and I respect that, but it still was the strangest break up I have ever had!!). Moral of the story is this: don't date anyone who is still in love with their ex, or who talks of becoming a monk. (I really wish I knew these things beforehand...oh well, I'm slowly learning from my mistakes.) Note that, although it seems I have dated a million people, I don't consider any of the ones I just listed "real" relationships for they lasted no longer than like, a day (ok, maybe 6 weeks).

7. Travelling through Mundare and seeing "World's Largest Sausage." Looked more like "World's Largest Coil of Poo." I'd be really embarassed (or really proud, depending on perpective) to have that thing in my community.

8. When I was in high school, I had this friend named Chas who lived down the road from me in the country. Being so close to the saskatchewan border, we decided one day to ride our bicycles to saskatchewan. On that fine day, we rode our bikes leisurely down the back road, when we came upon an old man driving his tractor. Now, it just so happened that we were riding our bicycles faster than the tractor, so naturally we passed it. The old man stared at us and shook his fist, yelling "there's a speed limit on this road, girls!" And we looked at eachother with bewildered looks on our faces and laughed, for the speed limit was 80km/hr, and we were probably going 20. Crazy old farmer.

9. In russia I got kissed by a strange boy on the bus. I was not expecting that. I also saw Lenin's dead pickled/waxed remains. It was eerie.

10. And this one tops it all: I met a Chinese Ukranian named Wong on the Internet today, and he wants for us to get married and run away to the Ukraine to open up a Chinese food restaurant....well...that never really happened, but makes for a great story, doesn't it?

And I think I will end the list there. Although I'm sure this won't be the end of the "Adventures of Superjan".

Single Ukranian female looking for Single Chinese Ukranian Male

So I decided tonight that perhaps I should be helping my chances of finding a suitable mate by advertising on the internet. So here I am, posting my advertisement on my blog...which won't really help my chances too much since no more than 10 people actually read these once in awhile. Oh well, here goes it anyways...

I do not believe that I should have to describe my qualities, as one can guess at my personality by reading my blogs. And as for the qualities I am looking for in someone, I've only come up with one specification:

• Must be Chinese Ukranian. Think about it, the food would be awesome: eggrolls and cabbage rolls, wontons in your borscht, garlic and ginger in everything. Sweet. Plus tonight someone said I would probably never get married if that's what I truly wanted in someone: for she believed it was impossible to find someone who is both chinese and ukranian at the same time. I believe that it is indeed possible. And I'm going to find me one. I wonder what our kids would look like...

Anyhow, so if any of you know of any single male chinese ukranians over the age of 22 and under the age of 30, please let me know. Oh, and they must be Christian. And know how to cook more than hotdogs and kraft dinner. And not leave their stinky socks all over the place. And be able to serenade me with beautiful love songs. And buy me a present on my birthday, or atleast send me a card. And have a car. And a sense of humour. Ok, so maybe there's more to my qualifications than ethnic background alone. Dang, my friend is right...this search is near impossible. Oh well, it WOULD be funny if I did meet someone who was Chinese Ukranian. I guess if I married someone who was Chinese and we had babies, they would be somewhat Chinese Ukranian (with a few other odd backgrounds in the mix).

I think I ate too much quiche tonight. Its doing weird things to me. Which is why I say ignore all my ramblings tonight: I'm tired and full of food. And if you happen to see any random pictures of me floating on the internet (such as a certain person's blogsite), it's not what you think.

pretty in pink

So tonight I was playing around with different templates for my blog, just trying out new looks, kinda like how girls like to play around with their hair color. Anyhow, so I guess the last one I chose wasn't very popular with my readers, so unpopular, infact, that I started to receive hate mail (well, not actually, but it makes for a great story, doesn't it?) Anyhow, the reason I was changing it was because somehow in this template my profile ends up way at the bottom of the page, and I want it at the top of the page, but don't know how to change it. So, I changed it to a template where the profile would be at the top...but after taking a good look at my new template, I started to see how the old one was much more fitting for "musings of a city girl." Pink is much prettier than green, in my opinion. So much prettier, in fact, that 50% of my wardrobe consists of pink clothes, and maybe only 1% of my clothes are green. I once had pink
hair. I have bright pink sunglasses.
If I had decent fingernails (i use the excuse that I am a guitar player so I can't have long nasty talon-like nails), I would paint them pink all the time. But if I was allowed to paint the walls in my apartment, I don't think I would paint them pink. That's a little too much, I think. But it sure makes a great accent color.

Anyhow, I spent all this time blowing up balloons for my sister's birthday tomorrow, and they keep falling down. None of them were pink, unfortunately. There were silver, blue, gold, yellow, and red, but no pink. Some of the streamers are pink, though. I've tried to ductape them to the ceiling, but its not working....and its so hot in my apartment. But if I open the window, it gets too cold. Can't there ever be a happy medium?

Oh well, perhaps I should actually try to get to bed tonight. Maybe I'll get into my pink pj's and cuddle my pink piglet, and slowly fall asleep counting pink sheep.

Goodnight.
note: I am not saying that green is ugly, just incase some of you were feeling appalled because you happen to like green. I like green too, I think its a cool calming color that reminds me of springtime...but to me, pink is prettier. It suits my skin tone much better than green.

A morning walk

So, I've been doing a little more reminiscing today, and was reminded of one particular experience I had when things weren't really going as I would have liked. It happened awhile back on one of my many walks I would take in my favorite place in Calgary:

Oh, how I longed for something, just out of grasp of my conscious knowledge. I sensed it, but could not put my finger on it, could not identify it. Walking along the river toward Eau Claire that morning before class, I felt it. The rushing water was beautiful, the sun shining brightly on its surface. Almost all the signs of winter were gone, all but the occasional shrunken snowdrift and the bare trees reaching their brittle branches to the sky. And I lifted my face to the sky, soaking in the sun, enjoying the feeling of the gentle breeze in my hair, and smelling the earth and water around me. And for a moment, I forgot where I was or even who I was. I forgot the sounds of the construction going on in the area, the joggers and bikes rushing past, the disturbing headlines of the war on Iraq...I ceased to try and understand life and all its complications...everything stood still. I'm not even going to say it was any sort of "religious" experience...I think it was one split second of just BEING. Then I opened my eyes, and everything I saw evoked fond memories of long and not-so-long ago. And I can't explain the feeling that I had then. Like I wanted to stretch out and grasp the ungraspable. Like approaching a field full of flowers that looks so inviting to walk through, but it has the tallest fence surrounding it and you can't get it. Perhaps it was peace I was missing, within myself. But I think at that moment on my walk, I felt it, in all its richness and purity. And as I was approaching Eau Claire, I walked through the little playground where the kids play in the water in the summertime. And there were many children there with their moms and babysitters. It was so cool to observe them racing around with the biggest smiles on their faces, really unaware of anything wrong going on in the world. For them, every moment was the best, and I remembered what that felt like. And the rest of the day (although endured with tired feet, a tired head, and tired mind), was quite enjoyable. And as I looked more closely at the trees, I notices tiny buds on the branches, and I couldn't wait for them to open, revealing new life...then I would know it was Spring.

Tonight I felt that same sense of longing that I had been experiencing before I went on that morning walk. Then I remembered Paul's words in his letter to the Philippians- "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." And as I prayed, I quickly felt a sense of relief that could only come from God. So if any of you are feeling tired, anxious, or a sense of longing, pray to God and let his Spirit fill you with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Encouragement in the midst of the storm

"He is before all things and in Him all things are held together" (Colossians 1:17)

I think that, in the eye of the storms in our lives, this essential truth is not in our semantic inventories. All we see is the present situation and worry about the negative impact it will have on us. And we lose sleep, toiling in the guilt and the "what-if's", thus losing our effectiveness as Christians. And that's exactly what Satan wants. If we're saved, atleast he can try his best to get us to float through life being "navel gazers." Life is a battle, and I know that most times I feel like I'm losing; on the team that's full of good intentions, but hopelessly doomed to fail. But whose team am I on?

Look at the verse I quoted in the beginning...that's my Team Leader. Jesus was here before the creation of the world, and he upholds it with his mighty hand. Every beat my heart makes, every sunset I see, every situation I get myself into, is ultimately controlled by God. And he promises us, in 2 Cor. 12:9 "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weaknes..." We claim to believe in God. DO WE BELIEVE IN GOD? When our world seems to crumble beneath our feet, we must remember and cling to the truth that Christ is holding it together. Believing and living goes hand in hand...and its then that the enemy is powerless and distressed, just as are the storms that sought to steal our joy and rest.

When in Russia...

First off, I would like to start this entry off with a little contest. I like contests: there's a contest at work to see who can sell the most items off BP's new ribrageous menu. I think I'm within the top ten or so...

Anyhow, so the contest for you is this: I will award a special prize to whomever can come up with the best poem entitled: Moons over my Hammy.

You might be asking how I ever came up with that title...but if I told you it wouldn't be as fun to write a poem about it. So an extra prize goes to whomever can tell me what inspired this title.

So, back to the real purpose of this blog. I was looking through some photos I had taken a few years back on my trip to Russia, and got to reminiscing about it. Several memories came to mind, and I then thought: what advice would I give to someone who was travelling to that country for the first time? Janet's Do's and Dont's while in Russia are as follows:

Do have fun shopping in the markets. My favorite was the vast amounts of cool European shoes they had for really cheap. However, my advice is not to shop at the major shopping centres: there's huge naked pictures of people on the walls, and prices are absurd. Stick to the little marketplaces, and you'll save a tonne and get cool little folky things like Matroshka dolls galore. Oh, and if you can stomach it, go to the food market. The meat section is divided into Pork, Beef, Lamb, etc, and you know which is which because each section is marked by the head of the animal on a stick. It's crazy...

Do go see Lenin's pickled remains buried in a tomb in the Red Square. Don't make any noise or take pictures...there are mean security guards in there, and they yell at you (or atleast it sounds like they're yelling...everything said in Russian sounds like yelling)

If you are a girl: Don't go to the banks to exchange American Dollars into Rubles. Approach well-dressed men on the street. Chances are they're a part of the mafia. If they think you're cute, they'll give you a better exchange rate. Don't, however, flirt too much, or you may get a marriage proposal that you aren't able to refuse...then you'd end up like Michelle Pfeiffer's character on Married to the Mob. If you are a boy: you COULD approach the mob men for money, I just don't think you'd get any better of a rate than the bank...you might be risking your life (or a couple of limbs anyhow).

Do have fun getting to know the locals. Most are very hospitable, can speak some English, and would be happy to have you into their home for a visit. Do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) make eye contact with a stranger of the opposite sex on the bus. They may get the wrong idea about you and you'll look up and see them all of a sudden hovering over you leaning in for a smooch. Trust me, its not pleasant, especially when you're 21, and they're 16, and write "I love uoy" on their cell phone screen and ask if you understand and you try not to laugh, and then they try to kiss you, but you move your face in a panic, and they get your neck, and then the guy next to you starts yelling at the boy in Ukrainian...yeah...awkward.

Do buy the cheap novelty vodkas sold in the gas stations (and anywhere else..man I didn't know they actually liked vodka THAT much). You may even be lucky enough to find a little bottle of it with Stalin's face on the label. But if you do...DON'T drink it by any means. I've heard (I have not experienced though...) that the cheap stuff is like drinking antifreeze and can really hurt your system. The better stuff is more expensive, but still relatively cheap compared to here in Canada. Lots of the bottles have amusing labels- I bought one that went through a time line of all the hours in the day and what you would experience, assuming you spent the whole day drinking the vodka...it was all written in Russian though, and I didn't understand all of the jokes. maybe that's a good thing.

Do go visit the beautiful cathedrals. St. Basil's and The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour are amazing. DON'T bring anything in that may be considered a weapon...there's metal detectors at the gates. And make sure you know where you can and can't take pictures, or you'll have all the old ladies who work at the church yelling at you. And don't be surprised at the absurd amounts of gift shops in the church, it was so touristy...it was kind of weird...I half expected Jesus to come down and start turning over tables and stuff flying everywhere...

Do go visit the Black Sea, its so nice and beautiful in the summer. DON'T be surprised at the toilets...I certainly was when I had to use the washroom and saw that it was a circle of squatty potties with no doors on the stalls, and just a little hole and some water running through a pipe to wash things down. It was kind of awkward to be peeing facing the person across from you who is also peeing...oh man, how embarassing. Oh, and don't be surprised at the amount of skin people are willing to show at the beach. It is Europe, you know. You'll see the oldest nastiest people in string bikinis and speedos (but I'm not necessarily recommending that you do as the Russians do and wear your thong...and guys...please NO speedos...please...)

Anyhow, there is much more advice I could give. But I think I've covered the most important things you need to know. If any of you are planning a little trip there, just let me know and I'd be happy to teach you a little more of what I learned.

ПРИВЕТ!!

Hello Government

I don't really have anything deep or profound (or even humorous) to blog about tonight, but then again, this is my own site, so I can pretty much write about anything I want to , can't I? So I'm sorry to all those who only read my blogs to laugh at my crazy antics, or feel touched by my ponderings. I'm sure there'll be more entertainment coming your way soon enough (in the meantime, please follow the link to Joy's site, and bug her a little bit. From what I hear, she's always looking for an argument *ahem- the Yogger-Extra Values dispute concerning royalties on "noting"- please refer to the comments in my last entry*)

So, I've spent the last two hours of my night studying for an "interview" I have at 9am Friday. I put interview in quotations because its not your typical interview- no, I have to go write a test first, and then they sort through those and pick the best candidates for a real interview. I don't know if its a waste of time or not, but I don't care because its for a position for the Government of Alberta, and from what my career counselor says, "its almost impossible to get a call back for those government jobs." I guess it helps that I've applied for 50 gazillion G.O.A. jobs. They're probably sick of seeing my name pop up an average of 5 times a day. So anyways, the job is for an "AISH financial benefits worker". I applied for this so long ago that I forgot what the job even was..I'm pretty sure its working with people with disabilities to determine whether they're eligible for support through the AISH program (assured income for the severely handicapped), working with those who are already receiving it and monitoring changes in their financial status, etc.

I don't know if I should be sick with anxiety or jumping with glee...let's see, what are the pros and cons?

pros:

• I am definitely better at the written portions of anything...I kicked butt in any written tests I had in school, but wasn't the most comfortable with oral presentations...so perhaps this written test may make me out to know more than I actually do. A little secret for you guys- I actually ENJOYED writing tests in University...how geeky is that? I loved the challenge and seeing how I'd do...
• Even if I can make one contact within the government, it may help me in the future
• I get to get out of the house and wear a nice outfit- I'm getting tired of laying around the house in my pyjamas (wow, I used the word "get" a lot in that last sentence..as a linguist, you'd think I had a better vocabulary than that!)

cons:

• I seriously have no qualifications for this job
• the AISH handbook alone is 30 pages...I have one day to study something I know almost nothing about...
• I don't have a clue what types of questions they'll be asking...like I said before, I don't even know what type of qualifications they're looking for, or what sort of work this position would require, so I may waste my time studying for the wrong thing and look like a complete idiot...so bad that, infact they post my name in every department, and say "if this girl ever applies for anything with the Government, don't bother wasting your time calling her for an interview- she can craft a good resume, but she doesn't know crap."
• I have to be there for 9am. I know, I know, that's super early for most normal people (hint of sarcasm), but when you're used to working until midnight or later, you get used to being a night owl. (When I was in school and had 8am classes, I'd be in bed by 10pm...its now 10:43 and I'm still wide awake)

I think I would pee my pants if I actually passed this part of the screening process. And I would have a heart attack if I got the job. Maybe I would have brain damage while my heart stopped, and eventually become a qualified candidate for AISH. Wouldn't that be ironic?

I still don't know why they called me...

Eat your heart out, Michael W. Smith

I've had a lot of thoughts racing through my mind tonight as I served at a dreadfully slow Boston Pizza tonight. Sure, some of them involved "man, these people have been sitting here forever! Will they just pay and leave already so I can go home?" and "why is the kitchen staff being so lazy tonight?? Its not even busy and orders are taking way too long!!", but the majority of my thoughts lingered on the more delicate questions of life. One being "how long will I have to work here?" I'm still not over the fact of how a person with a University degree ends up having to waitress to make a living. Not that I mind it, or think that its somehow "beneath me", but its just that I didn't spend almost $50 000 to do that as a career. Its unfortunate that there are many others in the same boat as I.

Another thought came to mind as I left the restaurant and headed for home. As I walked to my car, I suddenly felt delighted that I had a car to walk to, and a job to leave that night. I realized that my life is pretty darn good (this is a slight continuation of my "thankfulness" still running over from Thanksgiving). Even though things are hard, and money is really tight, I know that if I get in a bind, I have awesome friends and family who are always there to bail me out. And at once I felt so unworthy of all these rich blessings in my life. I felt like, not in a million years could I ever do enough to "earn" what I have been given by God. Even though I know that God bestowing His blessings on us is not some sort of transaction, where we earn it through works or whatnot (much like how we could never earn our salvation, its a free gift), I still felt like I needed to do more to be able to give back. This then led to the question of "how does God want to use me this year?" Will I sing on the worship team? Will God give me the opportunity to be His witness in my workplace? Will I be there to comfort my friends when they need it? Can I somehow help the poor and needy in my community?? Who can I be praying for?

I know that God is using my life to be a blessing to others, but I just don't see the workings right now. In my head, it seems like I'm not doing anything, because I'm new in the city, don't have too much interaction with others, am not currently actively involved in the church I have been attending, and don't see how my day to day work at Boston Pizza is helping me show God's love to others. But I know that we are often not aware of the growth of the seeds we plant daily when we allow God to work in our lives...this is so that we may boast in Him, and not in ourselves.

Its hard for me, not knowing where I will even be in a month's time...I've always liked to have things planned out, and its hard for me to completely trust that God knows what He's doing with my life. Will I still be struggling to survive on my measly pay at BP's? Or will I have a job that I feel I can enjoy and progress in? Will I be more involved in my church? Will I have made some new friends?

I don't know if you guys remember the song "Place in this World" by Michael W. Smith, but its been running through my head the past couple of days...which is bizarre because I haven't heard the song in probably 10 or more years...but the lyrics are a perfect fit to where I am in this time of transition:

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m
Chorus:Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m...
Chorus

Anyhow, I realize that there are no straightforward answers to all these questions...no one can ever be certain of the path their life is going take...I just need to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding..."

Counting my blessings

Wow, its amazing what a huge turkey dinner and a 2 hour nap can do for you (I still feel in a drugged state, but I'm definitely relaxed).

So, its Thanksgiving, and although I know I shouldn't only think of the things I'm thankful for just one day a year, I figure this is a good opportunity to reflect on the blessings in my life. I'm not sure that I can actually think of and list all the things that I am indeed grateful for, but here are a few:

1) All the material comforts of home...the fact that I have a soft bed and warm shower, and computer, and food to eat (although at times like these I eat way too much and feel (almost) sorry I did)...the list goes on...

2) My family, whom I feel are the most loving and caring people a girl could ask for. My mom is always willing to go out of her way to help anyone who needs it (and she makes the best homemade buns ever!). My dad is a very straightforward person who's great at solving almost any problem you throw his way (that's why he had a perfect GPA in his University math and physics program). My older brother, although he did horrible things to me as a child, such as pour a whole bag of flour on my head while I was sleeping, or try and convince me when I was three years old to eat rabbit poo cause it was "chocolate", has developed into the most sensitive caring person, who could talk the ear off anyone who lends it, but also lend his when you needed to talk...I like to think of him as a mix of my mom and dad, because of his sensitive nature and his amazing problem-solving abilities (he too is a math geek of sorts...geophysics...don't ask me what that is). When I lived in Calgary, I could always count on my brother to drop whatever he was doing if I needed help (like the time the battery in Johnny 5 died, or giving me a shoulder to cry on if I was sad, and sharing in my victories...and feeding me supper on many occasions). And he got married, and my sister in law is very much like him, although she's not a math geek, she's more into the psychology like I am. My younger sister likes to "mother" everyone she's close too, including me, which I think is funny because I am much older and quite capable of making sound decisions for myself, but I know its because she has a caring and nurturing heart and will make a fine wife and mother someday.

3) My friends, some of which have been around since before I can remember. Who have shared good times and bad times as we learn of life together. Who pray with me and for me. The ones that know exactly what I'm thinking even though I haven't said a word, who don't take my occasional grumpy times personally (its usually just when I'm made to stay up past my bedtime...I cherish my sleep). The ones whom I can scheme up pretty crazy ideas with, and who are there to see them into fruition (ie. being rockstars and staying up until all hours of the night practicing our songs, playing "detectives" to solve the many mysteries of Cold Lake, dressing up like pumpkins and "trick or treating"...when it wasn't halloween). Oh man, how I love them and wish the best for them...

4) Music. I'm glad God created music and gave humans the ability to create it(as well as some animals such as birds, but not crows, their calls aren't music in my opinion) My guitar...its always there, soothing me with its soft, rich tone, allowing me to get lost in the music which seems to get a life of its own. The vocal apparatus, which is an instrument in and of itself that God gave to us...its so intricate, but can produce the most impressive variety of tones and pitches...and my first love...the piano...that, although my skills have long since ceased, the first 14 years of my life consisted of hours upon hours playing this delicate instrument. I hope to one day have a piano of my own so that I can embrace its melodies once more.

5) The beauty of God's creation. How many times have I walked in the fields behind my house, clearing my head of all the confusion of the day, smelling the sweet scent of wildflowers and clean air, seeing the occasional deer race through, watching bees fly around to collect pollen, even spiders (which I hate with a passion when they are found in my house) and how they spin their webs fascinates me. At night, I look up and stare at the sky for hours...the stars out here are amazing (I miss them when I'm in the city), and on occasion I'll see the northern lights dance across the sky. When I lived in Calgary, I loved to hop in the car and take a short trip to the mountains just to get away and think. They remind me of God's power, how He can create things so huge and beautiful with just one word. And Thetis Island...I have never lived in a place so rich in beauty, from the salty scent of the ocean, to the amazing sunsets every night, Fall, which seemed to last forever there, the little crabs that would scurry along the beach. It was there that I learned of the saving life of Christ, which brings me to my next (and last) point.

6) How amazing is it to think that our God died so that we could have a relationship with Him? That He Himself came down to earth, walked among us, as prophecied for years and years by the old testament prophets. Who showed love to those who most didn't think deserved as much as a "hello". Who demonstrated that true religion isn't following a bunch of rules, rather takes place first in the heart, and then is displayed through actions...taking care of orphans and widows, doing unto others as we would have them do to us, loving God with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength. Who loved and prayed for those who persecuted Him, and taught us to do the same. Who bestowed on His believers His Spirit to guide us and help us in following His example. Who reminded us that Heaven is our final destination...that things of this world are just temporary...I could go on and on and on...

Yeah, I'm a pretty lucky gal to have these things in my life.

thinking is my worst enemy, and my best friend...oh man

Funny how one bad thought could ruin your whole mood for the rest of the day. Like tonight, for example, I was having a great time and then one little thought that creeped into my brain set me off to feeling bad enough to have to write a blog about it. (Please note, that although I wouldn't really describe myself as particularly moody, I do have my moments, and unfortunately I do not mask my moods well...if I am grumpy about something, everyone will definitely sense that. )

So I had a fun evening out chatting with Joy and Grace over cups of coffee and tea (Joy's was real "steeped" just like her outfit, ha). And as I dropped them off and drove away, a little thought came over me: "Nothing here is the same without him."

Now, as I'm sure all of you are aware (especially if you actually read the entry "underbaked chocolate goo, and missing him too), I experienced a particularly confusing and "messy" break-up with a boyfriend about 6 weeks ago. Although removing myself from this situation and moving to the city has been somewhat helpful, I am still trying to deal with all of the emotions and trying to be brave, keep my chin up, and move on.

On my way home, I found myself driving past his workplace, and looking up through the windows to see if it was him working the door that night. Can't say I could really tell, but it probably was...and then I was instantly flooded with all the anger and other bad feelings that I have allowed myself to harbour against him. In a way, I realize I haven't been dealing with this break-up for the past six weeks, but rather for many months now, because of all the problems we had been having. I feel sick to know that I have allowed this relationship to eat me up inside and cause me so much stress and heartache for so long.

I feel like I have been doing well for the fact that I don't think I've become bitter and cynical of love and relationships...and I am able to recognize why he wasn't the one for me, nor I the one for him. But why can't my head tell my heart this? Because the grieving process has been rather long, I do feel like I am ready to move on. But how?

In a way I have to laugh at my last question, because I have been in this situation more than once. And I always got over it. Why should it be any different this time?

I guess I'm just ranting because I do so good at trying not to dwell on these negative thoughts and allow them to affect my mood, but then the simple act of coming back to Cold Lake arouses my subconscious, which brings to my attention the fact that, no, things aren't the same here without him in my life. But if you know anything of how much I was hurting while we were together, you would think him not being in my life is a good thing. And it is. I can be me. My relationship with God is growing. I have hope for the future, and not the feelings of "oh man, if I marry this guy I know it will cause years of loneliness and heartache for the both of us."

So why am I not rejoicing over the fact that things aren't the same here without him???!????!!!??
It reminds me of one line from a Dixie Chicks song..."somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart that I'm better off without you..."

I really hope I don't run into him this weekend...well, in a way, i kinda do because for some reasons i love to torture myself...

Just for the record, I have been seeking God to help me deal with this whole situation, and have asked Him repeatedly to help me not harbour anger or become hardened and bitter, and I think without His intervention, I would be feeling way worse than I actually do...its just times like tonight that make me feel like I'm taking "two steps forward, one step back". I'm sure in another month or two I will be an entirely different gal (in a positive way).

Sorry for boring you all with this. But I really had to vent...I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to that understands what I'm going through (except God...He even collects my tears in a bottle, as said in the Psalms). I've always expressed myself better in writing, and in a way, I feel better after this little therapy session with myself. Maybe someday I'll write a song about it (I used to joke about how the only times I was really inspired to write anything good was in these times...sad, but true).

Are you my mother??

I'm a terrible mother. Ha, did I get anyone's attention with that line? Yes, I have a "child", named Newman (not as in Andrew Newman, but as in Newman the Newt). I inherited Newman from a guy I knew who bought a dog and decided he couldn't properly look after a newt and a dog. So I have had Newman for approximately 3.5 years, which is a miracle in and of itself, because most people I talked to who have owned newts have had theirs die in under a year. There have been times when I thought Newman was ready to kick the bucket, such as the first time he starved himself. I couldn't get him to eat anything for almost two months, and I just assumed he was old and wanted to be put out of his misery (a form of passive euthanasia, I suppose). But, one day he crawled into his water and just started chomping away whenever he saw movement outside of his aquarium. He's a very ferocious newt. Sometimes I have to watch my fingers and make sure they don't get torn off when I feed him.

Anyhow, so the reason why I called myself a bad mother was because, to be completely honest, I forgot I even had a newt. No, I don't have alzheimer's or any other problems with memory loss, as far as I know, but when Rae and I moved to Edmonton, we were unable to take Newman and Billy Mack (our beta fish) with us because my car was packed to full capacity. So Newman's grandmother (my mom) graciously agreed to take care of our pets until we came back to Cold Lake. So the first thing I saw when I walked in the door of my parent's today was the two little aquariums...and it occurred to me that I haven't thought about Newman or Billy Mack at all this past month. My heart sank as I realized what a neglectful mother I had been. Luckily my mom is a little more on the ball, and kept our pets happy and healthy. I wonder if Newman missed me at all. Probably not...you should hear my mom talk to him like he has ears and can understand speech or something...she'll talk to him and say the funniest things.

Its bizarre on how attached you could get to something small and scaly, that can't be cuddled...but seeing as my siblings and I were neglected as children, not being allowed to have pets of the furry sort due to allergies, we had to resort to pets of the reptilian/amphibious species. Creepy...perhaps.

But to make up for it all, the first thing I'm going to do when I get into a place that allows it, is get myself a cute cuddly puppy. I'll cry when that happens. It'll be the most spoiled dog on the planet (next to Oprah's, I suppose). But again...if I forget about Newman, will I forget about my dog? What about when I have real children? Oh man, I think I'm in trouble...

Coffeeshop Diaries

For those of you that don't know, I think my favorite job that I ever had was working at a coffeeshop in Kensington (Gentrified neighbourhood near downtown Calgary). For four years I made excellent coffee beverages, made fresh cookies and sandwiches, and dealt with the craziest of the crazies every single shift. It wasn't just my workplace- it was my home. It was where I went when I had something to mull over in my thoughts. Its where I met most of my friends. Its where I did the ministry that God was calling me to at that point in time (for the coffeeshop's main focus was actually building a bridge between Christ and Culture...a safe haven for those who were interested in knowing more about God and Christianity, but felt awkward going to a church building).

Anyhow, over the years I documented some of my experiences. I find them most humourous, but unless you worked there, everything I write will probably be just useless information....this is more to take me on a trip down memory lane than anything.

June 3/2002

It all started out with two alarms and a whole lot of confusion. I don't think my dream was ready for a conclusion, but it got one anyways. I was living in a nice condo on the beach somewhere in California, and all I could do was swim and sun tan...ahhh yeah. Then bitter reality set in: I'm still here in Calgary, the sky is still grey, and the beaches are still as non-existent as the population of good, hardworking (available) men. Oh yes, the air is smelling sweeter as I'm getting older. It only took a few moments for me to deal with the disappointment and clear the cob webs from my head. Time for another morning at the coffeeshop.

A little Pedro the Lion helped me deal with the water that flooded the bar area (keeping what sanity I've managed to save throughout my 20 years of existence). The first person in the door was the pastry guy, no chit-chat, just take the money and run. I don't think I had a crazy look on my face, and I DID shower...hmmm..must be him.

The rest of the morning consisted of pastry arranging, cleaning, cleaning some more, and then trying to look busy by cleaning. I think the most interesting conversation I had was with Ava about what we could do to keep her from kissing the boys that come into Hotwax (the record store Ava worked at in Kensington)...to prevent her from spreading what she thought was mono. Somehow that lead to a short but animated discussion on movies about aliens, evil men, ghosts, and vampires...what a gal.

The classifieds held nothing that was of interest to me: although, for someone who loved to see knives, or be in a cheap movie, or found a thrill in pulling teeth and making small children and adults alike cringe, I'm sure it was a lovely paper. How I wish comic book guy (no, not the one from The Simpsons) would come in today and grace me with his mysterious (but groovy) presence. I've maybe only served him once or twice, but I sensed an understanding between us. Although we haven't gotten beyond the "would you like that to stay or go" line, I think there's a good possibility we could be friends.

---The noise of the blender pulls me out of my thoughtful state of mind. I look out the window and see the heavy clouds (with promise of blue skies). That "OK Liquor Store" van has been sitting at that light for quite awhile. And four ladies walk out of the Tandoori Hut (East Indian Cuisine) dressed like they just flew in from India, then they got into their nice new shiny black Honda Civic....not that I'm dissatisfied with my brown '86 Chrysler New Yorker grandpa car that talks (hence, giving it the name Johnny 5, after the movie "Short Circuit"), but it just reminds me of how little money I have to be blowing on stupid things...it pains me to even buy groceries! I think the leader of the Hell's Angels just walked by with one of his many love slaves that looks as equally threatening as he does---

Back to my story..now where was I? Oh yeah, Comic Book guy. I met him a few weeks ago, I think it may have been on a weekend, probably in the late afernoon. Yeah, it was Saturday. Not an eye-catcher by some people's standards, but for some reason, he caught mine. And as I took off my apron, and made a move to sit near him up at the bar, who waltzes in the door, sits right between us, and puts his slimy arm around me? None other than that ethiopian guy who promises every girl he meets to make them an African queen. He asks me when we're going to get married, and I finally told him that I didn't want to bear his children. So he moved on to another subject...this time he claimed to know who bombed the twin towers on September 11th. Comic Book Guy continued with his sketches, not appearing to be bothered by this man claiming to be from Africa (who I'm pretty certain actually grew up in Saskatchewan), but the connection was broken. And as he packed his stuff and left (my heart sinking to the concrete floor), Ethiopian guy asks if that was my boyfriend. I said no, I didn't even know him. And he responds "Well, he seemed pretty mad when I came to sit between you two."

Curses! I honestly think I'm doomed to a life of near-hits. I keep getting those curve balls hurled at me. But its elementary school rules. I'm at bat until I hit that darn ball out of the park. No three strikes and I'm out...dang.

Anyways, my days don't really hold more than the $5 I made in tips. And my spare time is spent at the place I work and play. The House. Gotta love it.

Note: I believe that was the last time I ever saw the alleged Comic Book Guy
Note: That was the second last experience I had with the creepy "Ethiopian" guy from Saskatchewan
Note:The whole baseball talk was a metaphor for my crappy love life. I'm still swinging at those curve balls praying for a hit sometime in the future.
Note: I don't still drive an '86 New Yorker, but it was one of the coolest cars I ever had, despite its appearance

Tragic Flaw (of a hero)

So, I've been thinking the past few days about a particular subject...one of which I will discuss after considering the lyrics of a very talented band that once existed a few years back (ok, ok, so the band was me and four guys from Prairie Bible College, and we only ever had one "concert" that we put on at the Bible College, but I must give ourselves credit that we wrote our own stuff, and even put out a little demo, which, by the way, is available for anyone who wants a copy)

Tragic Flaw (of a hero)

Yesterday, I would go about saving the world
From all those nasty villains who tear apart dreams and things
It seemed I was a hero:
Always dependable, arriving in the nick of time to glue things back together
It seemed I was a hero, but I had a tragic flaw

What can a hero do when she's running out of glue
And her hands are clumsy, and her eyes are too tired to see anymore?

So, while out smoothing the affairs of those in need
I neglected the hunger inside of me, which started like a thought,
Mere imagination,
But spread like wildfire
It seemed I was a hero, but I couldn't save myself

So, what can a hero do when she's running out of glue
And her hands are clumsy, and her eyes are too tired to see anymore?

It seemed I was a hero,
but I need a Bigger Hero now.

I wrote this song at a time in my life where I just wanted everything in the world to be alright. I was still young (well, I suppose I still am), but I felt like I was the one trying to hold friendships together, be really involved in school and with the youth group and other ministries, "saving the world" or so to speak. I would get frustrated when people weren't getting along, or some of my friends weren't accepting the gospel. I was wearing myself out trying to be involved in anything and everything...I don't know what was wrong with me, to think that I could singlehandedly change the world (or Cold Lake atleast). At this point, I started to realize that, though my intentions were good, I was going about things the wrong way: I was doing everything on my own strength, and I wasn't really getting anywhere but worn out.

I think this issue is very common with people involved in ministry, whether it be pastors, worship leaders, sunday school teachers, or even church secretaries. It is very easy to get caught up in trying to be there for everyone else, that we forget that "He who calls [us] is faithful, who also will do it."(1 Thess. 5:24) God calls us into ministry, but we can't forget that it is by His strength that we are able to accomplish His will. We can often get so overwhelmed by all of our obligations that we can also forget that we too need to be fed spiritually and encouraged and challenged in our quiet times with God, and in fellowship with other believers.

Yes, at the tender age of 17 I realized these things. Then I went to Bible school and came back ready to take on the world...what a reality check. Four years of trying to impact lives on both an individual and global scale, but without making sure to have things right in my own relationship with God, and I'm just "getting it" again. Yeah, it took some heartbreak and some broken dreams, but I'm exactly in the state of mind where God can use me how He wants.

Can any of you relate?

Second Chances

Relationships are strange- being the social creatures that we are, a significant part of our lives rely on relationships with others. It seems as though most of our day consists of interpersonal interactions with others, on one level or another. Relationships are dynamic: always changing in some degree, either growing closer together, or falling apart (which is what that last poem I wrote was talking about, using the metaphor of the seasons).

I've been thinking about this particular issue because of one relationship with a friend that I have known for most of my life. We grew up going to school together, and became inseparable in grade six. Now, I would not say that this was the wisest choice I've made of people to let into my life, but I was young, and she was cool, and we did have a lot of fun together (a little too much fun, as some teenagers tend to have these days). But, as often happens in relationships, we had a falling out in around grade 10. I went on a missions trip that summer to Tijuana, Mexico, and although I didn't notice too much, I guess that trip really changed me. I no longer desired to go out and do the things my friends and I were previously involved in. As a result, I was no longer a part of the group that my friend and I hung out with (partly by my choice, and partly because I became an outcast).

So, for the rest of high school my friend and I were pretty casual in our acquaintance. Then we graduated, and I never heard from her again. Until now. This summer, out of the blue, she called me up to see if I wanted to go out with her and a few other old friends from high school. It was really fun to see all of them again, and catch up on where our lives have taken us. I was surprised to learn that she had a baby, and was getting married this fall. She lived in Stoney Plain, just outside of Edmonton, and told me that if I moved to the city, to definitely give her a call. Well, I'm here, and she tracked me down...we've gone out to lunch this past week, and I'm headed to her place tomorrow for a girl's night.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Its kind of strange, actually. Not that I don't like her or don't want to hang out, but its bizarre that after being so close, and then all those years of not talking at all, we've all of the sudden been connected again. One of my past regrets was that I never was a good example of Christ to her while we were friends: I let her drag me down. Now God has allowed us to reconnect, and I'm hoping that this can be a positive experience. It's something that I never would have thought to come about, this reunion with my friend, but for some reason that I'm sure is part of God's plan for my life (and hers), I have a second chance. I only hope I don't blow it...

Seasons Change

The cold wind blows
And I fall, unable to hang on.
It's nothing new;
Seasons change and so do we,
so do you.

What can I say?
I miss the sun; it sets early now
nights are longer
And I pray to make it through
without you.

The leaves are beautiful
But we're all mislead
For changing colors mean they're dead
And though we hope the grass will stay
It's inevitable to end this way.
I know it well, this winter hell:

The snow will fall
All will freeze, giving impressions of
desolation.
Winter's long, but spring will come,
bringing new;
You'll see it too.

Oh Grandma

So, I love my Grandma. At 89 years young, she's quite the character, never failing to do something really amusing. For example, she's up visiting my parents in Cold Lake right now, and she did something today that involved a window, tea towel, and a dead bird.

I guess a bird hit the window really hard and fell to the ground outside. So my grandma and mom ventured out to see if it was ok. My grandma decides she's going to pick it up and try and find a heartbeat to know if it was still alive or not, and after a moment, she realizes she doesn't even know where the heart is located in a bird. So they set a tea towel on the ground, and place the bird on it, in the sun light to see if it would revive. It didn't.

And I suppose there's lots of scandal going on at the Senior's lodge, and some of it involves Grandma. There is this woman named Effy Butterwick, and one time she and grandma had a little squabble over a man. This man happened to sit at my grannie's table one meal, and Effy was jealous because she had a crush on him and thought grandma was trying to steal him away from her. Sound like high school?

My grandma also likes to neatly organize our plastic grocery bags by folding them and placing them in a little pile on the shelf. She also likes to darn our old holey socks. And when she's feeling particularly energetic, she'll stay up late at night cleaning the kitchen. One Christmas, she bought all her kids this Rotato thing, where you put a potato or apple or whatever you want peeled on a stick, and turn a handle, and a little blade goes around and peels it. It didn't work too well...

Anyhow, she's awesome, and I'm glad I get to see her this weekend for Thanksgiving.

Managing life's crises

Dang. I hate it when the computer just randomly shuts off while you're in the middle of something important...like blogging. It was so good, and then the computer just shuts down. Maybe its because I let my Anti-virus expire two months ago cause I didn't have the money to renew my subscription. Oh well, I bit the bullet and got it renewed...$50 later. Why should we have to pay $50 a year just for stupid virus protection? That's like half the price of my renter's insurance for a year. But what would I do without my computer...? Most of my life these past few years has relied heavily on this particular technology. How many hours have I spent searching research journals and writing papers for classes? How many job ads have I examined, how many resumes have I written and sent away? How many late nights talking on MSN to friends and now writing blogs? Perhaps the expense of virus protection is worth keeping my PC clean and virus free. Sometimes I wonder who invented computer viruses? Honestly, I don't know who would take the time to do such a thing. Come one guys, get a life! I really get a kick out of those people who send away nasty viruses to unsuspecting people's emails. What drives someone to do something so awful...and nerdy?

Anyhow, I was writing an email on how good church was and how I'm really glad that I forced myself out of bed this morning to go (and no, it wasn't just good because of the pizza). Since going to Central, we've been listening to a series on 'managing life's crises', which seems particularly fitting to my life right now, because it seems like I've been bombarded with one little crises after another (more than I've ever had at once, anyways). The messages have really been putting into perspective on how exactly I should go about dealing with these issues. Here's a little of what I've been learning.

First, it is important to define the term 'crisis.' The Chinese do that really well: they use the characters for 'danger' and 'opportunity' for crisis. The reality of our lives and how we deal with them can either spell out treading out into dangerous territory, or creating good opportunity from the bad circumstance. The vital part on the outcome is how God fits into the equation.

Reality- God = Danger

Reality + God = opportunity.

I could see on how we can create danger for ourselves when ignoring God to help us through our issues. We really are selfishly motivated creatures, aren't we, just looking to gratify the lusts of the flesh. Not adding God to the equation can spell disaster, leaving us angry, lost, cynical, hurt, and even more depraved than we were before.

Making God front and center into the equation is how we can create opportunity. Because, let's face it, God's quite a bit smarter than we are, and He knows what choices will be good for us, and which will be bad. So how do be include God in dealing with crises?

I think, once coming to terms with the reality of the crisis, one must come to terms with God and having faith in who He is. He tells us in His word to 'pray without ceasing,' and 'ask, and it shall be given to you.' So, we must pray in times of crises, being persistent, and expecting an answer. When the time is right, God will direct one of what action to take. For one who's lost their job, it might be "consider a career change and apply to this post-secondary program." To those with health issues, it may be "take better care of your body" or "take this opportunity to draw nearer to Me."
Once God gives guidance, we must trust His judgement and do what He says. There will be hardships and things hindering us from reaching our goal, but in the words of the author of Hebrews : "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

So, I've been really challenged in these messages, on how I am to deal with my present situation. I really do want to put God front and center in my life, and trust Him to lead me through these issues. I don't want to create more danger for myself (trust me, I've created enough for myself these past few years). I'm ready to make things right and get focused on the race set before me.

And I feel that I'm getting on the right track. This weekend was really good, and for the first time in a few months I've been feeling a sense of peace with everything. I may not like where I am, but I'm feeling o.k. It dawned on me, as I was cooking supper tonight, that I'm feeling more like "Me" than I have in four years. I'm feeling comfortable with who I am (in Christ), and looking forward to finding out where I'm headed.

i'm cold and tired and i can't type

i don't know why it got so cold all of a sudden here in E-town. We left the window in our living room open all day, and its freezing now. My fingers are like little icicles and i can't type properly.

Anyhow, congratulations to Kyle who was, thus far, the only one to attempt to figure out what my IPA sentence said in my last entry. I'm a little disappointed though, cause it should have only taken you about 10 seconds to figure it out. Oh well, still, here are your three gold stars:

By the way, I don't think I can hand out any more gold stars since the translation for the sentence was documented in the comments section. Nice try everyone.

So anyways, I decided today that I don't like malls very much. Don't get me wrong, I am very girly in the fact that I love shopping...oh man, if I could get paid sweet money just to shop, I would (maybe I should become a mystery shopper...), and I love to browse around in almost every store, and (occasionally) buy things...but why does the mall always give me a headache? I don't think I'm agoraphobic or claustrophobic, but something about all the crowds, and getting cut off by people running infront of you and then getting stuck behind grandma and grandpa out for a Sunday cruise, its very much like car traffic, which also frustrates me. In a way I wish there were driving lanes in the mall, only walking lanes I suppose. One side of the corridors are for traffic heading one direction, and vice versa. There would be little turning lanes and all. And officers patrolling to hand out tickets to violators. Hmmm...what would shopping at WEM be like if that's how it was? Actually, I'd probably go crazy and hijack some motorized cart and start running people over. Not a pretty picture.

Tomorrow after church they're giving out free pizza for those who stay after the service. You'd have to be crazy not to want to stay for free pizza and fellowship. That's like not staying for a potluck. Unbelievable. I love GCAC's potlucks. That's one thing I'll definitely miss...(not to mention all the amazing people there...who cook all the food...ha), but I am happy to announce that I get next weekend off and I will be returning home for Thanksgiving. Things are starting to look up.

By the way, that's a story in itself. So I get to work last shift, and my manager was complaining that I keep taking all these days off, and I was like, what are you talking about? I only booked two days off for this weekend! And he said, No, you're booked off for next weekend too, friday saturday sunday monday...and my jaw dropped. I don't recall booking those days off in advance. I didn't even know when Thanksgiving was until a few days ago. I seriously think either:
1)I have premature alzheimers, and just don't remember booking it off
2)My mom called my work and threatened to hurt them unless they let me come home for Thanksgiving
3) My name miraculously appeared in the day's off binder...

I'm so confused...but so excited for turkey. Who's coming to my house for dinner next weekend?

Hmmm...i know in the title of this entry I said I was tired, but its funny how when you're cold you wake up a little. I feel like I could run a marathon, or do all three DVDs of Pilates...almost

Rae and I went to Sam's house tonight. He has two elevators in his apartment, lucky duck, but thing is, one of the elevators is broken because apparently some dudes trying to move in today busted it by holding the door open too long or something. To me that doesn't make any sense. Why would an elevator break because its door was kept open? If I was an elevator, and my door was held open for too long, I wouldn't break down, I'd just be ticked off. Maybe slam my doors into the guy's hand. That'll learn 'em

Anyhow, enough with my ADD blog. I think I should get into my nice warm bed and fall asleep so i can wake up in time for church and pizza tomorrow. Actually...i think the window is open in my room too...ooh...nice cold bed for me.

Goodnight everyone.