Eat your heart out, Michael W. Smith

I've had a lot of thoughts racing through my mind tonight as I served at a dreadfully slow Boston Pizza tonight. Sure, some of them involved "man, these people have been sitting here forever! Will they just pay and leave already so I can go home?" and "why is the kitchen staff being so lazy tonight?? Its not even busy and orders are taking way too long!!", but the majority of my thoughts lingered on the more delicate questions of life. One being "how long will I have to work here?" I'm still not over the fact of how a person with a University degree ends up having to waitress to make a living. Not that I mind it, or think that its somehow "beneath me", but its just that I didn't spend almost $50 000 to do that as a career. Its unfortunate that there are many others in the same boat as I.

Another thought came to mind as I left the restaurant and headed for home. As I walked to my car, I suddenly felt delighted that I had a car to walk to, and a job to leave that night. I realized that my life is pretty darn good (this is a slight continuation of my "thankfulness" still running over from Thanksgiving). Even though things are hard, and money is really tight, I know that if I get in a bind, I have awesome friends and family who are always there to bail me out. And at once I felt so unworthy of all these rich blessings in my life. I felt like, not in a million years could I ever do enough to "earn" what I have been given by God. Even though I know that God bestowing His blessings on us is not some sort of transaction, where we earn it through works or whatnot (much like how we could never earn our salvation, its a free gift), I still felt like I needed to do more to be able to give back. This then led to the question of "how does God want to use me this year?" Will I sing on the worship team? Will God give me the opportunity to be His witness in my workplace? Will I be there to comfort my friends when they need it? Can I somehow help the poor and needy in my community?? Who can I be praying for?

I know that God is using my life to be a blessing to others, but I just don't see the workings right now. In my head, it seems like I'm not doing anything, because I'm new in the city, don't have too much interaction with others, am not currently actively involved in the church I have been attending, and don't see how my day to day work at Boston Pizza is helping me show God's love to others. But I know that we are often not aware of the growth of the seeds we plant daily when we allow God to work in our lives...this is so that we may boast in Him, and not in ourselves.

Its hard for me, not knowing where I will even be in a month's time...I've always liked to have things planned out, and its hard for me to completely trust that God knows what He's doing with my life. Will I still be struggling to survive on my measly pay at BP's? Or will I have a job that I feel I can enjoy and progress in? Will I be more involved in my church? Will I have made some new friends?

I don't know if you guys remember the song "Place in this World" by Michael W. Smith, but its been running through my head the past couple of days...which is bizarre because I haven't heard the song in probably 10 or more years...but the lyrics are a perfect fit to where I am in this time of transition:

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m
Chorus:Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m...
Chorus

Anyhow, I realize that there are no straightforward answers to all these questions...no one can ever be certain of the path their life is going take...I just need to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding..."