The adventures of Superjan: a list of strange events

So I have decided to compile a short list on the top X number of strangest things I have experienced in my short 23 and a half years of existence. The reason I say "X" number is because once my mind gets going on this type of thing, I may or may not think of many wild and wacky things to list. Note that my list may include experiences from many different areas, including and not limited to the following: relationships, food, travel, family...etc.


1. I have eaten some strange food- well, it seems strange to my Canadian palate, but perhaps it is normal in other parts of the world. This includes california rolls with hot dogs in them (ITS REAL!!! Ask the Schienbeins!) . It also includes cow-tongue tacos and some sort of animal intestine stew....mmm..chewy. Perhaps the worst meal I have experienced was when one of my former bf's tried to make me a "romantic meal"- which consisted of seasoned breaded pork chops, kraft dinner, and minute rice. Where are the veggies???? (He was convinced that rice was the vegetable).

2. I have heard some strange sounds produced by the human body. Particularly, in a family such as mine, where we eat some, well, gas producing substances. My sister is the queen of strange bodily noises. The wackiest of them all was when she burped, sneezed, farted, hiccoughed and cleared her throat all at the same time. Oh man...

3. Waking up with an entire bag of flour poured over my head was definitey strange. I know I was an annoying little sister, but I didn't think it was enough to warrant pouring 10 lbs of flour on a sleeping asthmatic. My brother is lucky I didn't die. When I had a bath to attempt to remove all the flour, my hair kept turning into dough. I think I washed it four times before it all came out. I don't know how I survived that cruel treatment from the older brother that I adored.

4. Working at The House, I had strange experiences every day. I met some pretty "special" people. One person in particular came in one day and started chatting with me, and as part of my job, we were required to chat with our customers, build relationships, etc. So, I just humoured this person in his ramblings (and I mean RAMBLINGS). It was pretty close to election time, and he was going on and on about how he was a campaigner for the Conservative Party. Now, I am not particularly fond of discussions on politics, and after awhile, I made it known to this individual on my feelings on these issues. He then proceeded to verbally slam me, saying that I was stupid because I didn't like politics. And he then started saying things like "anyone who doesn't vote for the conservatives deserves to die. Yes, I will throw them infront of the C-Train." And he was really adament, and talking really loudly, and clearly disturbing my other customers. So I calmy told him that he would have to leave because we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour, and he left The House in a rage, pointing his finger at me while he walked out the door, talking in the first person plural, saying "we won't forget this!! You're going to get it!!" Well, needless to say, I was quite shaken by this crazy young man, whom as I was later told, was a schizophrenic who didn't take his meds, and he was kicked out of every other store in the Kensington area." For awhile after, however, I still refused to work late night shifts and close the shop alone.

5. Another strange work related experience: I worked with a child with special needs, and this individual had a particular obsession with diapers. It was not uncommon for me to go to work, and the child come at me with no pants, flailing a diaper wildly in the air, and trying to convince me to "tape diaper on please." It was really awkward, cause this individual was maybe 6 inches taller than me and outweighed me by probably 50 lbs. I was scared.

6. I have been dumped my fair share of times. I have heard it all from "I'm in love with my ex who cheated on me, and she wants me back real bad, so I'm taking her back and we're getting married" to "uhhhh....I think we should just be friends (really meaning "I'm in love with my ex who dumped me cause I'm an idiot and I just dated you to make her jealous, but now I really want to marry her"). Oh, I was also seeing someone who went on a two week mountain bike trip with his buddies, and came back and told me (no jokes) "On my trip, I didn't miss you at all, so I think that's a sign that we shouldn't be together." But the single strangest excuse tops them all: "I want to become a monk. And monks can't get married. So I don't want to lead you on forever if its never going to end in marriage." And to this day, I think he is still single. And I'm not certain he's actually going to be a monk. Just a remain a single journalist for the rest of his days (by his choice! and I respect that, but it still was the strangest break up I have ever had!!). Moral of the story is this: don't date anyone who is still in love with their ex, or who talks of becoming a monk. (I really wish I knew these things beforehand...oh well, I'm slowly learning from my mistakes.) Note that, although it seems I have dated a million people, I don't consider any of the ones I just listed "real" relationships for they lasted no longer than like, a day (ok, maybe 6 weeks).

7. Travelling through Mundare and seeing "World's Largest Sausage." Looked more like "World's Largest Coil of Poo." I'd be really embarassed (or really proud, depending on perpective) to have that thing in my community.

8. When I was in high school, I had this friend named Chas who lived down the road from me in the country. Being so close to the saskatchewan border, we decided one day to ride our bicycles to saskatchewan. On that fine day, we rode our bikes leisurely down the back road, when we came upon an old man driving his tractor. Now, it just so happened that we were riding our bicycles faster than the tractor, so naturally we passed it. The old man stared at us and shook his fist, yelling "there's a speed limit on this road, girls!" And we looked at eachother with bewildered looks on our faces and laughed, for the speed limit was 80km/hr, and we were probably going 20. Crazy old farmer.

9. In russia I got kissed by a strange boy on the bus. I was not expecting that. I also saw Lenin's dead pickled/waxed remains. It was eerie.

10. And this one tops it all: I met a Chinese Ukranian named Wong on the Internet today, and he wants for us to get married and run away to the Ukraine to open up a Chinese food restaurant....well...that never really happened, but makes for a great story, doesn't it?

And I think I will end the list there. Although I'm sure this won't be the end of the "Adventures of Superjan".