When in Russia...

First off, I would like to start this entry off with a little contest. I like contests: there's a contest at work to see who can sell the most items off BP's new ribrageous menu. I think I'm within the top ten or so...

Anyhow, so the contest for you is this: I will award a special prize to whomever can come up with the best poem entitled: Moons over my Hammy.

You might be asking how I ever came up with that title...but if I told you it wouldn't be as fun to write a poem about it. So an extra prize goes to whomever can tell me what inspired this title.

So, back to the real purpose of this blog. I was looking through some photos I had taken a few years back on my trip to Russia, and got to reminiscing about it. Several memories came to mind, and I then thought: what advice would I give to someone who was travelling to that country for the first time? Janet's Do's and Dont's while in Russia are as follows:

Do have fun shopping in the markets. My favorite was the vast amounts of cool European shoes they had for really cheap. However, my advice is not to shop at the major shopping centres: there's huge naked pictures of people on the walls, and prices are absurd. Stick to the little marketplaces, and you'll save a tonne and get cool little folky things like Matroshka dolls galore. Oh, and if you can stomach it, go to the food market. The meat section is divided into Pork, Beef, Lamb, etc, and you know which is which because each section is marked by the head of the animal on a stick. It's crazy...

Do go see Lenin's pickled remains buried in a tomb in the Red Square. Don't make any noise or take pictures...there are mean security guards in there, and they yell at you (or atleast it sounds like they're yelling...everything said in Russian sounds like yelling)

If you are a girl: Don't go to the banks to exchange American Dollars into Rubles. Approach well-dressed men on the street. Chances are they're a part of the mafia. If they think you're cute, they'll give you a better exchange rate. Don't, however, flirt too much, or you may get a marriage proposal that you aren't able to refuse...then you'd end up like Michelle Pfeiffer's character on Married to the Mob. If you are a boy: you COULD approach the mob men for money, I just don't think you'd get any better of a rate than the bank...you might be risking your life (or a couple of limbs anyhow).

Do have fun getting to know the locals. Most are very hospitable, can speak some English, and would be happy to have you into their home for a visit. Do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) make eye contact with a stranger of the opposite sex on the bus. They may get the wrong idea about you and you'll look up and see them all of a sudden hovering over you leaning in for a smooch. Trust me, its not pleasant, especially when you're 21, and they're 16, and write "I love uoy" on their cell phone screen and ask if you understand and you try not to laugh, and then they try to kiss you, but you move your face in a panic, and they get your neck, and then the guy next to you starts yelling at the boy in Ukrainian...yeah...awkward.

Do buy the cheap novelty vodkas sold in the gas stations (and anywhere else..man I didn't know they actually liked vodka THAT much). You may even be lucky enough to find a little bottle of it with Stalin's face on the label. But if you do...DON'T drink it by any means. I've heard (I have not experienced though...) that the cheap stuff is like drinking antifreeze and can really hurt your system. The better stuff is more expensive, but still relatively cheap compared to here in Canada. Lots of the bottles have amusing labels- I bought one that went through a time line of all the hours in the day and what you would experience, assuming you spent the whole day drinking the vodka...it was all written in Russian though, and I didn't understand all of the jokes. maybe that's a good thing.

Do go visit the beautiful cathedrals. St. Basil's and The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour are amazing. DON'T bring anything in that may be considered a weapon...there's metal detectors at the gates. And make sure you know where you can and can't take pictures, or you'll have all the old ladies who work at the church yelling at you. And don't be surprised at the absurd amounts of gift shops in the church, it was so touristy...it was kind of weird...I half expected Jesus to come down and start turning over tables and stuff flying everywhere...

Do go visit the Black Sea, its so nice and beautiful in the summer. DON'T be surprised at the toilets...I certainly was when I had to use the washroom and saw that it was a circle of squatty potties with no doors on the stalls, and just a little hole and some water running through a pipe to wash things down. It was kind of awkward to be peeing facing the person across from you who is also peeing...oh man, how embarassing. Oh, and don't be surprised at the amount of skin people are willing to show at the beach. It is Europe, you know. You'll see the oldest nastiest people in string bikinis and speedos (but I'm not necessarily recommending that you do as the Russians do and wear your thong...and guys...please NO speedos...please...)

Anyhow, there is much more advice I could give. But I think I've covered the most important things you need to know. If any of you are planning a little trip there, just let me know and I'd be happy to teach you a little more of what I learned.

ПРИВЕТ!!