thinking is my worst enemy, and my best friend...oh man

Funny how one bad thought could ruin your whole mood for the rest of the day. Like tonight, for example, I was having a great time and then one little thought that creeped into my brain set me off to feeling bad enough to have to write a blog about it. (Please note, that although I wouldn't really describe myself as particularly moody, I do have my moments, and unfortunately I do not mask my moods well...if I am grumpy about something, everyone will definitely sense that. )

So I had a fun evening out chatting with Joy and Grace over cups of coffee and tea (Joy's was real "steeped" just like her outfit, ha). And as I dropped them off and drove away, a little thought came over me: "Nothing here is the same without him."

Now, as I'm sure all of you are aware (especially if you actually read the entry "underbaked chocolate goo, and missing him too), I experienced a particularly confusing and "messy" break-up with a boyfriend about 6 weeks ago. Although removing myself from this situation and moving to the city has been somewhat helpful, I am still trying to deal with all of the emotions and trying to be brave, keep my chin up, and move on.

On my way home, I found myself driving past his workplace, and looking up through the windows to see if it was him working the door that night. Can't say I could really tell, but it probably was...and then I was instantly flooded with all the anger and other bad feelings that I have allowed myself to harbour against him. In a way, I realize I haven't been dealing with this break-up for the past six weeks, but rather for many months now, because of all the problems we had been having. I feel sick to know that I have allowed this relationship to eat me up inside and cause me so much stress and heartache for so long.

I feel like I have been doing well for the fact that I don't think I've become bitter and cynical of love and relationships...and I am able to recognize why he wasn't the one for me, nor I the one for him. But why can't my head tell my heart this? Because the grieving process has been rather long, I do feel like I am ready to move on. But how?

In a way I have to laugh at my last question, because I have been in this situation more than once. And I always got over it. Why should it be any different this time?

I guess I'm just ranting because I do so good at trying not to dwell on these negative thoughts and allow them to affect my mood, but then the simple act of coming back to Cold Lake arouses my subconscious, which brings to my attention the fact that, no, things aren't the same here without him in my life. But if you know anything of how much I was hurting while we were together, you would think him not being in my life is a good thing. And it is. I can be me. My relationship with God is growing. I have hope for the future, and not the feelings of "oh man, if I marry this guy I know it will cause years of loneliness and heartache for the both of us."

So why am I not rejoicing over the fact that things aren't the same here without him???!????!!!??
It reminds me of one line from a Dixie Chicks song..."somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart that I'm better off without you..."

I really hope I don't run into him this weekend...well, in a way, i kinda do because for some reasons i love to torture myself...

Just for the record, I have been seeking God to help me deal with this whole situation, and have asked Him repeatedly to help me not harbour anger or become hardened and bitter, and I think without His intervention, I would be feeling way worse than I actually do...its just times like tonight that make me feel like I'm taking "two steps forward, one step back". I'm sure in another month or two I will be an entirely different gal (in a positive way).

Sorry for boring you all with this. But I really had to vent...I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to that understands what I'm going through (except God...He even collects my tears in a bottle, as said in the Psalms). I've always expressed myself better in writing, and in a way, I feel better after this little therapy session with myself. Maybe someday I'll write a song about it (I used to joke about how the only times I was really inspired to write anything good was in these times...sad, but true).