Alphabet Soup and Thoughts on Life

I slept in way too late this morning. I went to bed at around 11:30pm, was rudely awoken by the telephone ringing at 6:58am, went back to sleep after talking to this individual who had had a little too much fun last night and had to call me first thing in the morning to tell me about it, and then had one of those deep but hazy sleeps...where you know you should get up, but somehow your mind and body are disconnected so that it is actually physically impossible to get up. I finally jumped out of bed after a phone call at 11:13am. Sick. I had better be jumping off the walls at work tonight, let me tell you...

I am now here, blogging a blog, eating cheese toast and the vegetable soup with the alphabet noodles in it, thinking about life in general, and what I could say to all who choose to read my ramblings.

I know you are all aware on my job situation, and how much I dislike what I am doing to earn a living at the moment. And about how I have been devoting what I think is a significant amount of time trying desperately to find something better. Lately, though, it seems as though I am slowly giving up. Yesterday, I realized that I was losing sight of my goal, or was it that I didn't really have a goal to work toward anymore? Is life not made up of a series of goals, major and minor? Goals ranging from losing a few pounds, to finishing school, getting married, joining some sort of extracurricular activity like soccer or basket weaving... Yes, life is full of these things. Yesterday, though, I realized that I haven't really been setting any goals for myself...is this why I have been viewing my life as so drab lately? And another astonishing thought came to mind- I don't want to want to set goals for myself. I felt as though the ones that were truly important to me had impossible road blocks that were taunting me...everytime I tried to go around, find a different route, climb over....I would find myself hitting a wall. Now, I know that life is often like a story, and the point of a story is to have a series of conflicts for the hero/ine to face, and the story doesn't end until these conflicts are resolved in some fashion. What would a story be like without conflict? Pretty boring, indeed, as life would also be without challenges. Ah yes, but yesterday, I distinctly remember thinking "I've had enough...what would happen if I just floated through life just doing what I'm doing, with no attempt to change"....just remaining a static character in my own story.

It shocks me that one unfortunate event in my life (ie. not achieving my goal of graduate school) has spiralled into this bizarre situation of feeling hopelessly lost. I've never felt hopelessly lost before. I've experienced transition, yes, but always had some sort of idea as to where I was headed (or wanted to be, for that matter). Now I don't really know what I want anymore.

Today is different from yesterday. Today I want to want to have goals. Perhaps tomorrow I will want to have goals. Even smalls goals, such as getting a gym pass and actually using it, or finishing the scarf I have begun to knit, or writing a new song.

Now, there is so much more I could say on this topic, which may include thoughts on our definitions of success, but for now this is all I can say. Thanks for listening.