underbaked chocolate goo, and missing him too

href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6998/1648/1600/2004_1115misc0012.jpg">So, just incase any of you were wondering how the brownies turned out...they were good...on the outside. Apparently my oven is retarded, and even though I cooked them five minutes longer than the recipe said, they still turned out like batter in the middle. I'm no Iron Chef, I suppose, which by the way, is on TV. What a delightful show.

I'm feeling kind of...well, I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. Sad but hopeful? I came to the realization today that Thanksgiving is next weekend, and that I never booked the time off work. And even if I had tried to book the time off work, I more than likely wouldn't have gotten it because I booked this weekend off. And even if I had gotten next weekend off, I wouldn't be able to afford to take the time off, because I only got two crappy shifts this week because I got the weekend off. *sigh* The restaurant business is a cruel world, it is, for what industry makes their workers miss thanksgiving dinner with their family just to work at a stupid restaurant that sells pizza? no one goes out for pizza on thanksgiving. So anyways, even though I haven't seen the schedule for next week yet, I'm pretty sure I'll be scheduled on the weekend, therefore making me not be able to go home for Thanksgiving, which means I'll be spending it alone. My sister is going home for the weekend, so are my best friend and her husband. Again, I will be alone.

And to add to my feelings of alone, I find myself really missing 'him' today. How do you go from talking to each other at least twice a day for the past two years to never talking again. I think I've handled it pretty well, its been 41 days since we last spoke. It just sucks that our last conversation involved me standing in his kitchen trying to actually sit down and work through some things, and him looking at me with the most pained expression, and then running to his room at the verge of tears, telling me he didn't want to see me. And as he slammed his door he said "call me if you want to". I wish I could... call ,I mean. But every time we had spoken since we broke up he accused me of the most awful things, and would end up just hanging up on me without giving me the chance to defend myself. So I left a note on his kitchen counter, explaining that I would love to keep in contact with him, but it was obviously hurting the both of us. So no more contact. No more phone calls in the middle of the night just to say 'I love you.' No more 'how was your day' and 'I can't wait to see you.' But then again, those days were gone long ago. He pushed me out of his life months ago and somehow is blaming me for leaving and breaking his heart...he had been breaking mine continually with his actions. How does that work, exactly? I never asked for this either. I didn't realize he was so self-centered until now.

I've been trying to deal with this, amidst all the other crappy situations in my life right now. I put our picture away (how I am feeling the song by Cheryl Crow and Kid Rock right now). The space on my bedside table where it once sat was replaced with a plant I bought at Superstore. I try not to let myself think of him, but its hard when he's in my dreams every night (funny, the one time I try to escape from these problems and rest, they surface to rekindle my thoughts). I even try to convince myself of how badly he treated me, and how awful our relationship was, listing all of the bad qualities he had...and then I feel like an awful person for thinking those things. Because despite all his downfalls (we all have them), I really did love him. Part of me always will. No matter how much he hurt me, I will still always care and worry about how he's doing. And I'll always wonder if he still thinks of me...what he thinks of me. I know I did the right thing in coming here, so why do I feel so guilty?? What will it take for me to get over the guilt and the 'what ifs' and not wishing its him every time the phone rings (which I'm glad its not him, to think of it, cause that would be some awkward conversation).

Oh well. I guess I can feel comfort in the fact that people break up every day. I'm not the only one feeling like this right now. It could have been worse...we could have been married and had 3 kids or something, and be going throughthe motions of a split. The divorce rate these days both saddens and scares me. I don't want to be bitter and cynical, but sometimes I wonder if its better just to die single rather than to chance heartache like that. (Note that this is just my hurt heart talking, and no I dont' desire to die single and alone, much the opposite, actually). I wrote a poem a few years back when I was experiencing this same thing, and it brings me comfort to read when I'm feeling down...cause I know God knows how I feel, and it hurts Him to see me like this. I like how the Bible says He collects our tears in a bottle...so He's here right now, through all of this. Though I feel alone, I am not truly alone, for the God who created me is with me.

Reflecting on my life, where I'm headed, places been
I can't help but cringe at how my heart is prone to sin
Sometimes at night I shiver, haunted by the memories
And You listen cause You love me, You give me what I need

And I'll never comprehend what You felt and what You knew
But I know it breaks Your heart to see me suffer like I do
Cause You've already freed me from this prison that I'm in
And you're calling me to higher ground, to walk away from sin

You will always carry me when I'm too weak to stand
All I need to do is trust, and grasp Your mighty hand
And follow where You lead me like a Shepherd with His sheep
Your promises never fail, as You'll remind me when I sleep

By the way, Mom and Joy (I can speak so candidly on these issues because you are the only two people who read these things), don't worry about me too much. I'm just feeling a little emotional tonight. It will pass and I'll feel better I'm sure. I'm looking forward to this weekend where I get to spend some much needed time with my friends.

That's all for tonight folks.