musings of a city girl

going nuts?

2007-04-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

so....spring has arrived here in edmonton. i tend to remain fairly sedentary during the winter, but once this time of year arrives I find myself in a flurry of activity. activity is good, i find when i don't have enough to do i find myself doing too much thinking which usually drives me bonkers. however, having too much on my plate at once can also cause that effect.
i'm on the verge of possibly being quite busy. Our days at work have been shortened to the regular 8 hours that every other normal person works, but to compensate, we work more days in a rotation and sometimes get less days off. so working a 7 day stretch this past week seemed a whole lot longer than the 6 days i was used to (ya i know, 1 day doesn't sound like much, but trust me...)somewhere along the line of the last month i thought it would be fun to get another job, just to make some more connections, make a bit of extra cash, and do something i enjoy. so i applied for a (very) part time position as a barista at a coffeeshop on whyte ave. i'd probably just fill in once a week or whatever. had an interview today, seems like a cool place, so i'll be waiting to hear back from them. also, joined the church softball team which starts up next week. some good exercise, a little healthy competition, and the chance that i may meet up with some cute boys are all definitely good reasons for this. and then there's small group thursday nights. things are going well for a change. i'm liking this being busy thing, but we'll see in a months time how its treating me!

The Question

2007-04-11T10:05:00.000-06:00

It was a crisp sunny morning at Fairmont Hotsprings resort. The mountains stood tall and majestic, the sky was blue without a cloud in sight. The buds were just starting to show on the trees, the grass was already green, and the water in the springs was warm and soothing. I breathed in deeply, letting the fresh mountain air fill my lungs and clear my head.
I was on vacation with my family, to a place we know quite well, as we have spent several Easter breaks there over the years. I realized why we keep going back: there's nothing better than being able to experience such an amazing view, all from the warmth of the huge natural pools. I spent the weekend doing a lot of observing (I tend to be a people watcher), but also a lot of reflection on my own life. Winter, both physically and metaphorically, had been a long hard one this year. My bones were chilled, and my soul very weary. Though there were glimpses of Spring, it never stayed, and I ached for more...I longed for the sun to come out and melt the ice and snow. I wanted to see that life had survived the Winter's attack, and things would blossom once again.
I needed healing. You see, I was looking for the confirmation to the Question that every woman asks: am I lovely? Does my life bring beauty into the world for others to enjoy? The problem was, I was basing the answer to this question of my self-worth on how others viewed me. This past winter I had been hurt by someone I really cared about. This person's answer to my Question was clearly and reapeatedly "no." I was crushed. Was I really that big of a disappointment? How could I change myself, what could I do, to change their answer? I wrestled with these feelings for quite some time. Though deep down I knew the true answer to my Question was "yes," it still hurt to be betrayed.
So that weekend at Fairmont, I mustered up the courage to ask God what he thought of me. "Child," he said, "look around you at all this beauty I have created. You are from Eve, the crown of creation, made in my image. You are lovely, indeed."
The sun began to creep over the tall mountain peaks. Individual rays of light shone on the waters of the hot spring, sparkling and dancing on the water. It was one of the most simple, but beautiful things I had ever seen. It was a gift to see that Spring was indeed arriving.

"I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful."
-Bethany Dillon, 'Beautiful"

Not ready to make nice

2007-04-03T10:56:00.001-06:00

Sing it chicks!

Passive aggressive??

2007-03-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was thinking tonight about how I deal with situations/people sometimes. Although I can be quite blunt and direct at times, other times I find I'd rather confront issues by avoiding them all together. So, I looked up passive aggressiveness on Wikipedia. Although I don't think I have the personality disorder, some of the traits I definitely do display at times. But I don't feel so bad, I can think of several people I know that also fit the description!

Common signs of passive-aggressive personality disorder

There are certain behaviors that help identify passive-aggressive behavior.

Ambiguity
Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
Blaming others
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Complaining
Does not express hostility or anger openly
Fear of authority
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy
Fosters chaos
Intentional inefficiency
Making excuses and lying
Obstructionism
Procrastination
Resentment
Resists suggestions from others
Sarcasm
Sullenness

A passive-aggressive may not have all of these behaviours, and may have other non-passive-aggressive traits.

Random, like Britney

2007-02-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything of interest to say tonight. Just thought I'd lay on the couch and recover from a long short-change shift at work. It all started at 7am, CJ waking up and asking questions repetitively for the whole shift (and it doesn't matter on how many times you answer her, she'll ask over and over and over again, pointing at you and asking louder and louder. gIgnoring doesn't help either, she'll do something worse like destroy something or charge after a roommate to get your attention). The highlight of the day was sitting with some of the guys, watching The Princess Bride. Man do I ever love that movie!

And I love it that Britney Spears went loco and shaved her head. I can't wait to see how that all pans out! One of my friends has a pretty good explanation for her erratic behaviour: she's schizophrenic. Think about it. She married K-fed for crying out loud! Got married on a whim to some other random dude a few years ago. Drives her car with her baby on her lap. And now, shaves her head, gets a few new tats, drives around aimlessly, buys a cheap wig, all in the same night!!! Priceless!! What next? Any predictions?

A few of my favorite things

2007-02-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

So, I was thinking today, about lots of things (what else is new, right?). And I was thinking about how strange it is that you can be close to people, yet not know a whole lot about them. I mean, how much do the people that I consider closest to me actually know about me, beyond the cold facts such as my name, age, birthday, job, general hobbies, etc? You know, the stuff you would talk about to someone on a first date type stuff. So I decided I would blog more about me, the little things that people may or may not know. Since it could end up being quite the lengthy blog, tonight I will focus on some of the things that make me smile in life.

One thing happened on my way to work. It was quite a lengthy drive today, I'm not sure why, but I was starting to get frustrated because traffic was very backed up and I was already running late. I could feel my blood pressure rise as each minute ticked by on the clock and I was not much closer to my desination...that was, until, I noticed the guy in the truck in front of me. He was bouncing happily away, playing pretend drums, and I could see his reflection in his rearview mirror, and it appeared he was rocking out to the same song that I was!!! He was listening to Sonic FM too! So for the whole time he was infront of me, we both rocked out to the same songs. And it made me smile and actually enjoy the rest of my drive. Aww sweetness.

So, what else do I like?
I enjoy watching the northern lights whenever I'm in Cold Lake. They are so beautiful, lighting up the northern sky, constantly changing. I miss it when I'm in the city.
I like doing special things for others "just because." It feels good to brighten someone elses day. I heard a good quote on love the other day, it was "Love is more about the person doing the loving than the person being loved." How true it is.
I like taking some time out when I'm feeling stressed and playing songs I enjoy on my guitar, just belting out the melody because I can...no one is listening.
I like the feeling of accomplishment every single time I drag my butt to the gym. You'd think that would be reinforcing enough to keep me there every single day, but for some reason it's always a struggle, but once I'm there I've never felt better.
I like sour soothers. I'd eat them till my tongue bled.
My favorite time of year is Spring. The crisp, fresh smelling air, the tulips starting to poke through the remaining snow, the warmer breeze, the rain, the feeling of new life that emerges after the longest, darkest, coldest winter.
The first kiss with someone you really like...doesn't matter how bad the actual kiss is itself, but the fact that its actually happening (and you've dreamed of it for so long) is priceless.
My favorite flowers: daisies, orchids, daffodils (but not all in one bunch of course.)
My favorite food is definitely any kind of cheese. I think Rae and I have 5 different blocks going on in our fridge right now.
I don't have a favorite band or song, I just like any music I can bob my head and sing along to.
I'm addicted to Guitar Hero II. I've gone to Walmart just to play it in the electronics department (hey so my b-day is in less than a month, there's an idea...!)
I like having tea and cookies with one of my favorite people from RSS. She can be exhausting with her repetitiveness, but I love D's smile, zest for life, bossiness, mischeviousness, and her love of food. I also think its funny that when she goes on outings to the mall, she pinches guys bums and laughs until her face turns red.
I like when I go to church and its like the music and the sermon were tailor-made for me that day, because its just what I needed to hear.
Cuddling on a blanket with a friend (or a special someone), watching the sun go down over the lake, talking about everything or nothing. Just being together, enjoying the view.
Writing really good song lyrics and figuring out the music that goes perfectly with them.
Long baths when its cold outside and I'm tired and stressed...complete with bubbles, candles, and a mud mask.
Getting all dolled up for a night out, feeling like a million bucks.
Weiner dogs (they're just so cute!!)
Watching children play, just so consumed with what they're doing, laughing away without a care in the world. It reminds me that life doesn't have to always be as complicated as what we make it out to be.

Anyways, those are just a few of my favorite things (yes, there are many more! but I realize its probably my bedtime so I will stop it there.)

So, any surprises there? Learn anything new about me?

myspace

2007-02-05T19:44:00.001-07:00

check out the newest Glubish member of myspace: www.myspace.com/vernamg

freakin sweet

California Dreamin

2007-01-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

Gosh I love the winter: the way I get stuck in the parking lots everywhere after we've had a snowstorm (doesn't matter if the storm was 2 weeks prior, it just seems that mr.plow is either in the ditch too, on vacation, or on strike). I love feeling like my limbs are going to freeze off my body instantaneously as I venture into the ridiculously cold winds. I love the way I shiver when I hear my boots crunching on the packed down snow (ok seriously, how this could actually be delightful for some people, I don't know, sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me). I love having to fill my car with gas more often because of the time it has to be run to be warm when I go anywhere. I love how small towns like Cold Lake just shut down when there's a storm, meaning I sit inside at my parents house doing exactly what I would be doing were I back in Edmonton: watch tv and talk on msn. Oh the glory of it all. Why people ever chose to settle in Alberta, I'm not sure. California is looking mighty fine now people, mighty fine.

So it's that time again...

2006-12-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. Sure, I've been listening to Christmas music since september, have my apartment all decked out with decorations, have all my shopping done, been to a number of different Christmasy events, and have family coming tomorrow, but it's still unbelieveable that tomorrow will be December 24th. Where has the time gone? And the magic...? Is it because I'm working throughout the holidays that things feel different? The fact that I'm no longer in university, and thus have no well-defined Christmas break? And, for the first time, will not make it to Cold Lake at some point in the season? Is it just growing up? Or has my heart just become hardened to the true wonder and beauty of the Christmas story? Hmmm...perhaps all of the above.
Rae and I stopped by Walmart on our way back into town tonight, because we thought of one last gift we needed to get. Funny how at 10 pm the parking lot was still jammed pack with vehicles. The store was basically a gong-show, with many of the shelves bare, and people scurrying about in attempts to get everything they need for the upcoming holiday. Rae and I calmly walked around the store and got what we needed, not really in a rush or anything. And as we were at the checkout I was observing people, and every single person in that store appeared to be totally stressed out...certainly not full of Christmas cheer.
And I felt sad. Christmas has lost its meaning in so many ways here. Sure, we hear the carols on the radio, but does anyone actually listen to the lyrics? How could you NOT know that this season is about the birth of Christ, it being played over and over again in the songs. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way...many people despise christmas for the pure fact that it has become something it was never meant to be.
I can't say I'm exempt from focusing on meaning other than the truth at Christmas. Although I can honestly say that I'm at the point where I get more from giving than receiving gifts, I still get chills when I watch christmasy movies, or hear some of my favorite carols being played, or go watch a choir sing, or even just stare at my christmas tree (which I just found out is illegal, by the way). And the baking of goodies...what a time!! These things are not necessarily bad, but again, don't really have much to do with Christ's birth.
I remember in years past, going to the Christmas Eve service, and hearing for the 100th time the story of Christ's coming to this world. And it would never cease to give me tingles, and my eyes well up with tears, imagining God coming to earth as a tiny baby, dependent on his parents for survival, who existed solely for setting an example of how to live, and died so that we may live that life. How does that story get old? How have we become so hardened? How can we fix this?
So I'm going to bed tonight, and picking up my bible to read the story over, and will pray that God will allow me to feel full of the joy, peace, hope, and love that this season is all about.

Late night christmas shopping

2006-12-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

My alarm went off at 2:30 AM. Slightly confused, and very groggy I turned it off and lay there...I had been having a dream that I can't remember, but I think it involved driving around in a school bus at one point. Then I remembered WHY I had set my alarm for 2:30 AM: to do something that I have never done before- go shopping! Sure I've been in convenience stores like 7-11 at that time of night (like after a night out), or at Denny's (all-night studying), but this was different. WALMART in south edmonton common was open 24/7 up until Christmas. This place at any sane hour of the day is nuts! So busy that I feel my blood pressure start to rise and my patience dwindle...kids everywhere, shopping carts blocking my way, endless line-ups at the cash register. So the thought of being able to avoid all that seemed glorious. So I talked my sister into going, as well as my best friend who was going to meet us there (she didn't think we were actually serious in going, but took the chance...woulda been kinda funny if we HAD stood her up though!). I was surprised how many people there actually were there. And the answer I had been asking since I found out about the new holiday hours was answered: there really IS an all-night WALMART greeter. It was amazing! I was able to cruise down aisles without almost running someone over. I only had to wait in line for 2 people (one of them being my sister), and I could make observations on everyone else who was there at 3am, and ponder what their reasoning for going was. Andrea suggested going around interviewing people and asking, but there were too many security guards around, and I have a feeling we would have gotten reprimanded. Anyhow, so its now 4:43 AM and I'm wide awake. Good thing I get the next 3 days off to recover!!
Peace

House Art

2006-12-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

a dying breed

2006-12-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got together with some girlfriends and we did something that I believe (and have been told) is something very rare these days. Now, it's something I don't understand, I just kinda assumed all girls did this kind of stuff, or atleast most of the girls I know!! Could we be part of a dying breed?

We baked until 11pm last night. There were four of us, and between all of us, we made (atleast) 6 dozen beautifully decorated (deliciously tasting) christmas shaped sugar cookies, about 4 dozen ginger cookies, 3 dozen butter tarts, and atleast 4 dozen chocolate cream-cheese filled cupcakes (oozing with chocolatey gooey goodness!). So now I'm glad to say that the majority of our christmas baking is done, it's all in the freezer waiting to be brought out for the holidays (that is, if my sister and I don't eat it all first!). It was so nuts, there was food everywhere, flour everywhere, I sat in some sort of chocolate stuff that had dripped on a chair and my butt was sticky, we had the tv on channel 18 ( the one with the christmas carols playing and the fireplace crackling). And we laughed and laughed over the absurdest things! And we nibbled so much on the things we were making that I swear my teeth had a inch of sugar on them by the time we left! Long live the dying breed of the bake-tastic 20-somethings!

Should I Join a Convent?

2006-12-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I've considered a lot of things in my life, especially after my horrific date last week. Should I just join a convent and forget about men altogether? I found an article on how to become a nun. It goes through all the steps, and after each step I will comment on how well I think I could do on reaching that step. Then you can all vote in my comments section on whether I should or should not take the step.

How to Become a Catholic Nun

The job description calls for chastity, poverty and obedience, and apparently that's not everyone's cup of tea. In the past 30 years, the number of Catholic nuns in the United States has fallen by about 100,000. But if you're seeking spiritual commitment and the opportunity to provide service to the community, you might be one to boost the numbers.

Instructions

STEP 1: Be Catholic or convert to Catholicism. Talk to your priest about the steps involved.

Hmmm...does that mean I have to pray to Mary?

STEP 2: Do not get married--or divorced. Married women can't become nuns, and the Church frowns on divorce. You may apply if you're a widow, though.

well, I'm not divorced, and the whole point is to forget about men, so I think I got this one.

STEP 3: Get a college degree. Many religious communities like applicants to have at least a bachelor's degree before they take their vows.

Would they accept a degree in Linguistics?

STEP 4: Find an order, or a religious community, that suits your beliefs and personality. For instance, do you want to be out in the community or do you prefer a cloistered life? (Technically, if you're out in the world you're a sister, and if you're cloistered you're a nun.) A priest or nun at your church usually can point you in the right direction, or check out ReligiousMinistries.com.

Ummm...what??Cloistered???????

STEP 5: Look for an order whose work interests you. You'll find everything from beekeeping and winemaking to teaching and family counseling. Benedictine sisters, for instance, work in education and service ministries, whereas Cistercian nuns are devoted to prayer and contemplation. You don't need to be quiet and passive to be a nun--some are antiwar protesters and others lead the fight against AIDS in Third World countries.

Winemaking? Dang, I'm there!!! Can a nun drink the wine they make? This could be fun...

STEP 6: Contact the vocation director at the community you choose. Spend some time there and ask plenty of questions.

Again, that's assuming I've actually figured out step #4

STEP 7: Move in for a year or two while you're still studying or working outside if that's an option. This period of residency will give you a good feel for the everyday life of the order you're considering.

Do I still get to wear the nun habit at this step? Do I get to do what the nuns do, or just follow around like a shadow?

STEP 8: Go through the novitiate, or training period, which may last another year or two. You'll spend your time studying, praying and deciding whether you really want to become a nun.

Sounds delightfully monk-ish. Is there any sort of initiation ritual, like they do in sororities?

STEP 9: Take temporary vows of poverty, celibacy and obedience. Depending on the community, these vows may last from one to nine years.

I'm confused about this part, so I sign a contract to become a nun for 1-9 years, taking these vows? Or am I a nun for life, but after 1-9 years I can have all the money, sex, and rebellious acts that I want???

STEP 10: Take your final vows. If you made good on your temporary vows, you're ready for the religious life.

I don't shy away from committment once I've made up my mind

Overall Tips & Warnings

Many nuns don't receive compensation. Nuns who are doctors or social workers, for instance, are paid wages, which support the work of their religious community.
Christianity isn't the only religion with nuns. Many Buddhist women take lifelong vows of simplicity and service.

Tips and warnings noted.

Ok, so that's that. Forum on whether Janet should become a nun open for discussion.

A narcissist's delusions of grandeur

2006-12-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with a guy from Christian Cafe (a dating site). I've been out with a few different guys from there, and all of them have been pretty fun and normal (much to my surprise, due to the whole stigma on online dating). Last night, on the other hand, was an exception. Ohhh man. So this guy, let's call him Mike (not his real name). He's in town from Calgary on a business trip, and we had talked for awhile, so I agreed to meet him downtown for a drink. Now, it became quickly apparent that this was no normal date. Like, not in a scary way, but he evidently had a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder (or in other words, as rae ann would say, the Josh K. disease, haha). The whole time he talked about himself and how he was this doctor (not like a medical kind, but apparently had a doctorate in marketing or something and worked for a company that promoted biomedical devices for clinical research). Anyhoo, so he kept referring to himself as "Dr. Brown" (again, not his real name, but I'm just protecting anonymity), flaunting the fact that he had the label of doctor infront of his name and not just the regular "mr." like everyone else. He kept talking about how all the women like him, and how much money he makes, and to top it all off, how he got offered a contract with the CFL this year but he turned it down because he plays for an AFL league in the states, apparently for the LA Avengers. Now, how you could have a fulltime job in Calgary and play football in LA, I don't understand. He told me this story on a game he played recently against philadelphia's team, who is owned by Jon Bon Jovi. And when Mike scored on an interception, Bon Jovi was heckling at him from the front row. And you can tell that this man is very proud of this story, which I didn't believe for a second. He then told me of parties he went to in Tahiti and how awkward it was when he ran into his ex girlfriend from New York who was a professional bikini model/ surfing competitor. Oh man, the tales get more exciting as the night goes on. And I'm sitting there, thinking to myself, what the heck am I doing here? My arms are cross, I'm visibly not impressed with all of his talk about being a rich football playing ladies man doctor. Not to mention he keeps hitting on me, then comments on how I don't seem to be impressed with him, which he doesn't understand because he thinks he's a great catch, and I think to myself, about how a girl would catch nothing but trouble with him. I kept thinking about those women who marry these guys with this "secret life" and then they get pregnant, then the men murder them. Could he be crazy like that? To top it off, when I got home, I checked the roster of the LA Avengers, and, unsurprisingly, his name is nowhere to be found. I laughed. It was the bizarrest night I have ever had in my life. And he's probably still trying to figure out why I didn't throw myself at him like "all the other girls do." Hmmm...if he's so smart with his "doctorate" he should be able to figure that one out.

Anything (Glo preview)

2006-12-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

Love lost- true love gained
So tell me again why my heart feels so pained?
Burdened with a crime I did not commit
I've mountains to climb before I reach the moon.
I could use some help, anytime soon
Mend my spirit Lord,
tend to my tattered soul
Lift me up, cast me down
Anything to make me whole

Sanity lost- peave of mind gained
Didn't understand you were there when it rained.
Naked and exposed you did not despise
Now completely enclosed in the armour of your love
Gotta tend to the faith in things from above
mend my spirit, Lord
tend to my tattered soul
Lift me up, cast me down
Anything to make me whole

2006-11-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

The times, they are a-changing

2006-11-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

So, I know I haven't been the most consistent blogger recently. What to write? Life is full of events, choices, changes...
Career-wise, I am making somewhat of a change. I got offered a full-time position with the agency that I already work for (the group home position), but at another group home, and a different position alltogether. So I will change from "momma" to "bum wiper" (among other things!!) So, I'm looking forward to all the poop stories I will have. I am also looking forward to not having to work every single weekend any more, which means I'll be able to attend church atleast every other weekend. I am also looking forward to a 6-days on, 3 days off rotation, meaning I will always have a long weekend of which to do wild and wonderful things (like going on roadtrips and visiting long-lost friends....ahem, Joy!!). I am also excited that I will be making more money, especially since my student loan payments kick in at the end of this month. I am not excited about having to do 200+ lifts a day and possibly throwing out my back if I don't do them properly. I am also not excited to work with a behaviourally challenged client (I guess she's got crazy restraints if she gets out of order and everything). I am also not excited to work for christmas, and new years. And I am not excited to leave those at my current home who I have grown to love and look forward to seeing every week. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
Hmm..what else is new? Well, I am taking on the goal of becoming a rockstar again. Me and my other bandmate, Jason, have taken it upon ourselves to go through our old song material, and put together a full-length album. Don't be expecting it till atleast 2010, though, for at the rate we're going right now, I'm thinking it's going to be a long time in coming.
And finally, I have recently become single...again.
And that's all that's new and exciting for this gal!
Peace

DUFFWOMAN!

2006-11-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Speaking of tight pants, rumor has it a certain tight-pants sporting superhero showed up at a local halloween party last saturday. People thought her "costume" was definitely top three...little do they know, this was no costume. This is who she is naturally!!! Yay for duffwoman!!! Yay for tight pants!!!

12/08/02; 10/24/06

2006-10-24T15:05:00.000-06:00

If I could, I would show you my peace;
the deep waters untouched by your blows
And if I had my way, you'd see in my eyes
the blankness that constitutes my disconcern.
The phone calls we'd have would be carefree
(if you'd muster the guts to answer them).
And you'd hear me laugh and imagine
the true joy that makes me smile like that.
I could be so strong, like a fortress
You could count on my unbiased opinions
I'd convince you my wound was a scratch...
but I never was good at pretending

Introducing the new little Glubish...

2006-09-28T09:37:00.000-06:00

Here's some pictures of the newest member of the Glubish clan: Rebecca Kate, born Sept. 12, 2006, 7 lbs 14 oz , to proud parents Jason and Sarah...

Here's the little family...

The Proud Grandparents

The Aunties

The little stinker....Sarah pulled her finger and she farted (seriously!!!). Definitely part of the family!

2006-09-17T21:55:00.000-06:00

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

I just had to add...

2006-09-12T23:22:00.000-06:00

Ok, so here's a kind of funny thing that just happened. For those of you that don't know, I was once dumped by a guy who claimed he wanted to become a monk and never get married or have a girlfriend, etc. (Please refer to my October 2005 entry called "The adventures of Superjan: a list of strange events). Well, we still talk once in a blue moon, and I saw him on msn tonight, and somehow in my head as I wrote him a greeting, I thought, wouldn't that be strange if he told me he was getting married....nawww...as if...he was so sure he was meant to become a monk. And sure enough, not long into the conversation, he informs me that he's getting married in December. Go figure. I just had to chuckle at that. I'm glad there's no hard feelings between us...it was such a bizarre situation anyways...

for the sake of blogging a blog

2006-09-12T22:17:00.000-06:00

Hey all,
well, its a rainy, thundery tuesday night, and the lightshow in the sky is absolutely amazing (albeit frightening). I went to Walmart tonight, and while walking to my car I had my umbrella protecting me from the rain storm, and HUGE lightning bolts filled the whole sky at the same time, and I could swear I felt a small surge of electricity run into my hand from my umbrella, although I don't know how that would be possible, seeing as the handle was plastic...anyhow... enough useless preamble, I guess I could actually write something worth everyone's while to read, hey?

So lately I've had these little thoughts/ponderings about many different things, mostly about life in general, you know, love, beauty, the state the world is in, how different people experience God, etc, and I just wanted to jot a few of these thoughts down.

Yesterday, as most people are aware, was September 11th. And everyone knows what happened five years ago on this date. Now, I'm not going to get into any philosophical or political debate on this, but I will share what that date means to me. I remember that day. It was no more than a week after I had moved down to Calgary for my first year university. Everything was so new and unknown for me. I woke up early that morning because I wasn't sleeping well in those days, and turned on the TV to see the news that was on every single channel (which I think was 3 channels at that time cause we only had farmer vision, but anyhow). I watched the images and listened, numb to what was going on, not because I was shocked, but due to the fact that I didn't really understand the significance of what was going on, and quite frankly, I didn't really care: I was too consumed by my own personal traumas to really pay attention to anything else. All I knew was that the airport security would be changing, and the news would be very single focused for awhile....big deal. Five years later, I see the images, watch the movies on tv portraying those events, and I can't help but be shocked at the amount of hate in the world. What is going on? How in the world does a terrorist become a terrorist? I honestly don't think that at four years old these people claim that they want to be al Quaida when they grow up. But somewhere along the line, greed and lust for power (and a little brainwashing by the bigwigs) makes people do atrocious things. Its not like this is a new thing. War has been around for thousands of years and will continue to be until Christ returns. It just makes me sad, is all. There's better things to spend our time and energy on.

Another random, totally unrelated pondering: So, I often sit in the group home I work at, and just observe the individuals I support there, thinking of things like "I wonder what they would be like if they didn't have these disabilities, do they ever fall in love, do they ever observe us staff and marvel at how ignorant we can often be to their wants and needs...like if they could talk, what would they tell us?" I've often dreamt about that last thought, actually. Dreamt about one girl I work with, and how she could just turn her disability on and off...walk and talk when she wanted. And when she talked, she told me of everything I was doing wrong at work, and how much she hated me...it was really strange actually, and for a few days after, I couldn't look at her the same without getting a weird feeling. Another thought that I've had a number of times is "how do these individuals experience God?" I'm aware that the Bible says that everyone gets a chance to learn of God and His plan for salvation in one way or another in their lifetime. So, how does He reveal Himself to these middle aged wheelchair-bound, totally dependant, cognitively deficient people? Do they know Him? Does He comfort them? Do they ever get a chance to love Him/ are they capable of choosing to love Him? Do they dream of Heaven and having a new, unbroken body? These are some things I'm curious to know, and if I ever get the chance, maybe I'll be able to discuss it with them in Heaven.

And a final, semi-related discourse...some words that I hope will be encouraging to some. We all get frustrated with life...I know I sure do. There's so many uncertainties, hurts, and things that don't seem fair. This whole year, I've felt pretty crummy about my work situation. More often than not I've felt like all the time and energy I've spent on school was a waste. A lot of the time, I feel like my job is unchallenging, a waste of my time, and somehow that I'm too smart or talented to be reduced to wiping bums, doing laundry, cooking meals, and playing 6 hours straight of video games. Yesterday I got really frustrated and upset and cried woe is me to my boyfriend, and he had to remind me that life for me wasn't so bad. I'm not starving, I can pay my bills, and I'm doing a good job in a field that not everyone is cut out for. I hate to admit it, but he's right. I don't have much to complain about. I live quite comfortably. I'm young, and smart, and have my whole life to get these sorts of things figured out. And eventually, these things do get sorted out, in one way or another. I just need to trust that God has lead me in this direction for a reason. Maybe to gain more character, such as humility, patience, and compassion. I just hope that one day I can feel proud about what I'm doing, and that its not a waste of my time...feel passionate about my work, feel like the work suits me and I'm suited to it.
Anyhoo, I know that many of you feel the same way about life...frustrated, confused, having a lack of direction. I hope you'll choose to see the brightside of your situations...cause there always is good in life, if we look for it. Let go of pride, recognize our shortcomings, and take "baby-steps" on working through them. Trust that God has a plan for our life, and we have the choice to discover our potential. Take delight in the simple things. And most of all, love: yourself, others, and God.

Ya, like I said, random blog. Oh well...

If I were a film star...

2006-08-27T08:58:00.000-06:00

WOW...can't beat that one!

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Spiderman

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

random rant

2006-08-21T12:54:00.000-06:00

Why is so much of my life based on the computer? It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't always shut down at the most inopportune of times, such as in the middle of an interesting MSN conversation, or even worse, after slaving over an entertaining and insightful post on my blog (that's what happened to the new blog i promised you on friday, mom).

I was pondering the phenomenon of living vicariously through the lives of others. Why do we do it? What is so much more interesting about other people's lives as opposed to our own? I used the illustration of celebrity gossip. Now, I must admit, that I do enjoy getting my celebrity gossip fix. Everytime I open my internet browser, it goes to the MSN homepage, and the first thing I do is read the new stories on stars such as Angelina and Brad, Tom and Kate, Jennifer and Vince, Paris Hilton and her boyfriend of the week, Lindsay Lohan and her latest scandal....well, you get the point. Why do I even waste my time reading that crap, seeing as a) I've never met these people in my life, b) I never will meet these people, c) 99% of what the media says is skewed in some way, and most importantly d) its none of my (or anyone elses) business. Now, I know I'm not the only one who finds these stories entertaining, judging by the number of different gossip magazines you see while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, or the number of different shows on tv catching people up on Hollywood's latest news. Not only is reading this stuff a waste of time, its also hurtful to the people they're writing about (ok, I admit, many of the times, these celebrities bring the attention to themselves, especially with the recent surge in reality tv shows such as the Newlyweds)...

anyhow, this posting was definitely not as eloquent as the last one I wrote, which brings me to my point in my opening paragraph...I hate computers!!

janet's candyshop

2006-08-19T19:27:00.000-06:00

Hey guys,
well, tonight is a good night to experiment in the kitchen, I think...although I've been doing it all day at work (I made homemade doughnuts for the first time today and they were delicious).
I saw this recipe for caramels while flipping through a Canadian Living magazine at the hospital. They instantly made me feel a craving, so I went out, got all the stuff, and I'm trying them out tonight. Try them yourselves!!

Salted Caramels

By The Canadian Living Test Kitchen

Salty and sweet meet in these buttery, firm caramels with a clean delicate taste from the fleur de sel. You need an accurate candy thermometer to make them successfully.

Ingredients

2 cups (500 mL) granulated sugar

2 cups (500 mL) whipping cream

1 cup (250 mL) corn syrup

1/2 tsp (2 mL) salt

1/3 cup (75 mL) butter

1 tsp (5 mL) vanilla

3/4 tsp (4 mL) fleur de sel

Preparation

Line 9-inch (2.5 L) square metal cake pan with parchment paper; set aside.

In large saucepan, stir together sugar, 1 cup (250 mL) of the cream, corn syrup and salt; bring to boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. In thin steady stream, add remaining cream, making sure mixture keeps boiling. Reduce heat to medium-low; boil, without stirring, for 5 minutes.

Stir in butter, 1 tsp (5 mL) at a time. Boil, stirring occasionally, until candy thermometer registers firm-ball stage of 250°F (121°C), 25 to 35 minutes. Remove from heat. Stir in vanilla.

Pour into prepared pan; let cool until surface is slightly firm, 30 minutes. Score into 1-inch (2.5 cm) squares. Sprinkle with fleur de sel. Let cool until firm, about 2 hours. Remove from pan; cut into squares. Wrap each in waxed paper. (Make-ahead: Store wrapped candies in airtight container for up to 1 week.)

if i were a pair of panties...

2006-08-16T20:25:00.000-06:00

You Are Silly Panties

You're a goofy, fun loving girl who is always smiling.
You like your panties to be a silly secret - even if only you know.
Men feel instantly relaxed around you, with a little instant chemistry too.
Even though you're a goofball, you can be sexy when you want to.

What Kind of Panties Are You?

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

2006-06-26T09:31:00.000-06:00

I love going to the gym. The sweat, feeling the burn, watching all the interesting people that share that common interest with me...yes, the people are definitely what make the experience worthwhile. Like the old man that swims in the pool. Several times I have looked down to the pool while working out upstairs on the treadmill and seen this old man there. And every single time the color of his swimming trunks has fooled me into thinking he's in the swimming pool completely naked (his trunks are the same color as his skin). And then there's the guys who can do a bicep curl with about 200 lbs (compared to my 30 lbs). I wonder...does anyone ever have to look THAT muscular? Like, so muscular that its really really scary...? Then there's the volunteers at the Y, mostly the types of clients I would work with at my job...they're so fun to watch, and so proud of their job. Then there's the older gentlemen that come there still dressed in their business suit clothes (minus the jacket and tie of course), put on their running shoes, and hit the treadmill. I don't know how it could be comfortable working out in dress clothes....maybe they're old dress clothes ready for the second-hand store....I don't know, its kind of a bizarre sight. Then there's the lady that comes to the gym and goes on the equipment but doesn't actually work out (ie. just sits on the stationary bike without actually pedalling).
The moms with young children, pushing them around the gym in their strollers while performing aerobic exercises. Hmmm..walking lunges while pushing a stroller...I suppose it could help. Once I saw an old man there who watched everyone work out on the equipment he was wanting to use (trust me, its weird to be on a machine and have this man staring at you the whole time). My theory is he doesn't actually know how to use the machine, and he's too embarassed to ask an attendant for help, so he (not so) slyly observes the others around him.
I think my favorite thing so far was in the women's change room. There were these two old british ladies getting ready for a workout. One was looking at the bulletin board where they post all the different classes that are coming up to take. She then comes back to her friend and asks "What is Hip Hop?" (they were advertising for hip hop lessons). The way she said it is priceless, because instead of pronouncing it like HIP hop, with the stress on HIP, she equally stressed both words... suggesting she had never heard the word before. They both didn't know what it was. And I smiled, cause though it seems like something everyone should know, really, I'm sure they don't have hip hop lessons at the old folks home.

Anyhow, I'm surprised that I actually get any exercising done at the gym, with all these fun people to observe.

Time...is there ever enough?

2006-06-22T13:02:00.000-06:00

Dang. I've succumbed to procrastination in more than just the blogging world. Let's see...my room's a mess, laundry's piling up, I have paperwork to finish for work, I'm slacking in going faithfully to the gym every day, and I'm way behind in my courses. I only work 38 hrs a week....so where does all my time go? I honestly don't even know what I spend it on....hmmm...
yesterday was my day off. I slept till after 10, went grocery shopping, baked cookies and made lunch, went to the gym, showered, tried to do homework, got extremely tired, had a 2 hour nap, woke up, went tanning, went to my course for work...there you go...its 9pm already. Today is looking like the same sort of thing. Then its off to work again tomorrow for another week.
I wish I could go on vacation...

Death from 7-11

2006-05-15T09:37:00.000-06:00

I am writing this blog to warn everyone of the evils of eating 7-11 food (incase some of you weren't already aware). Actually, I have had a history of bad experiences involving 7-11 food. Let me share them with you.

A few years back I bought one of those turkey pitas from the sandwich section. I was happily enjoying it when I found a long dark hair in it. SICK. It makes me want to puke just thinking of it.

Another time I got a hot dog. Now, you think hot dogs are a pretty safe bet, lots of people get them...well, the actual hot dog itself wasn't too bad, but I found some mould on the hot dog bun that they gave me. BARF.

Just this past week, I decided to give 7-11 food a chance and not hold my past experiences against them (actually, I was in a rush to work and stopped in for some coffee and needed a lunch for the day) so I picked out a nice looking turkey and ham bagel sandwich. Ate it at lunch, nothing seemed too funny about it (ok, it tasted a little funny, but I thought that was just the oddness of having 1000 island dressing as a condiment on a sandwich). So here's the evil part: I woke up at 3am that following morning with intense stomach pains. After puking my guts out several times and not being able to hold ANY fluids in my system for pretty much the whole next day, and laying in bed, feeling like I was going to die and feeling scared because I was alone and didn't know how I would get to the hospital if need be (I could barely make it to the toilet)...anyhow, long story short, I lost 5 pounds (which I guess could be the bright spot in all of this), and spent my days off of work feeling like crap. Doctor blamed it on food poisoning. And I'm not surprised. Remind me never to eat from 7-11 again (unless its gum or candy or chips, i'm thinking that's probably safe)...

testing testing 123

2006-05-05T22:26:00.000-06:00

my mom wanted to see how to write a blog. so i'm showing her right now. this is it. pretty cool hey?

A Prayer

2006-05-01T15:22:00.000-06:00

I've come to this place, it seems
100 times too many.
My heart, though broken,
is still beating, I'm still breathing,
all is not lost for me.
Lord, let me not be hollow.
Let Your life lead me on,
with hope and joy to share...
this world is full of heartaches;
I've experienced a few.
But I'm still here to do Your will,
give me guidance, strengthen me,
may You be glorified in me.

Janet: 1, BP's: 0

2006-04-20T17:52:00.000-06:00

Today I quit my job at BP's. I didn't think this day would ever come. I'm leaving to work with the goth girl and another girl, getting paid to do things such as help clean their rooms, go to the organic store downtown, eat at restaurants, and going to the movies. I just can't believe my good fortune. Score for me.

Kiss Me, I'm Goth

2006-04-12T22:08:00.000-06:00

So, I have a rather interesting work opportunity. I have been hired to work part-time for an organization that supports individuals with developmental disabilities in the community. So basically, its supporting them in doing things that they are interested in, in their workplace, etc. What they do is they match you up with an individual that they think you would work well with, then you meet with them and their family and have a little interview, to see if you have a good connection. Then if it works, you're hired on to work with that individual. Today, my supervisor had someone in mind that I may do well with. But I must say that this particular proposition caught me off guard. He reluctantly asked me how comfortable I would feel to take this person one saturday a month to "goth night" at a bar. I had to contain my laughter. I don't know why I was so surprised...who's to say that someone with a disability can't be interested in goth culture? But then I got to thinking...if I agreed to this, would I have to dress goth when I go (if I didn't, would I get stared at by all the goths..or beaten up?) I don't even know where I would get the clothes. Would I have to paint my face white and wear black lipstick and nailpolish? Would I have to wear a black wig (cause there's NO WAY I would EVER dye my hair black)? Does this individual dress goth all the time? What is "goth night" anyways? I think if I were to agree to this, every time I went, I would have to pretend I was at a Halloween party. Does this individual drink lots of alcohol when she goes out to the bar, or does she just go because she likes to dress up? I think these are all questions that I would need to ask when meeting her and her family. And I think, if I were offered the position (its more than just this one saturday a month, by the way, but doing other things in the community), I would try out goth night once to see if I was comfortable with it, and if I was totally weirded out, I think it would be ok if I said I can't do it. How bizarre....getting paid to take someone to goth night at the bar. Oh man....

Out of Silent Blogger

2006-04-06T10:20:00.000-06:00

It has been months since my last entry, I do realize. It is not because I intended to shun the whole blogging community, its just that I didn't have anything to really blog about. And as I think back, I don't think I ever really did have anything much of importance to blog about. I got sick of writing about the same old things, actually. I was waiting for something dramatic, exciting, to happen, so that I could turn it into an exciting, inspiring blog for everyone to read. Well, life has not changed too much. I'm still unhappy working the jobs I am, still working every single weekend, still unable to have any leftover money to do anything with after paying my bills. Its quite depressing, actually, for when I was in university, just starting out, I certainly did not envision this after graduation. No indeed. So what do I do? I go to school again. Yup, I am now officially a student at Athabasca University, upgrading, taking some more psychology courses in hopes to one day be accepted to the Master's in Counselling Program. I hope to one day be working in counselling psychology. Is there really work in that field? I sure hope the outlook is better than for that of linguistics. Stupid useless linguistics. (Yes I am somewhat bitter at that).

So anyways, this blog is for Joy. It was not intended to be a rant, therefore, the next section of this entry will be speculation of what life would be if we were gypsies (we referring to Joy and I).

This is a picture of Romanian gypsies. Technically, the word gypsy refers to the Roma and Sinti people, who are traditionally nomadic, originating from northern India, but currently live worldwide, mostly in Europe. Joy and I have contemplated several times the thought of becoming gypsies. Not say that we would be of Roma or Sinti descent, but the concept of being nomads seemed greatly mysterious and romantic.

We would travel in an old van or RV across the United States, thinking up schemes to make some money. Some ideas are busking in the streets with my guitar, while Joy practices her sweet dance moves. We may also incorportate some other instruments in there, such as the tambourine (that seems gypsy-ish), triangle, and recorder.

I am also thinking that we could make things and set up a stand everywhere we go to sell our wares. Most likely they would consist of knitted and crocheted garments. Perhaps we could practice our art abilities, collecting materials from garbage heaps and the like. Making art from garbage is definitely not a new concept.

Becoming a gyspy does have to be well thought out. For instance, what if we have (unknowingly) set up our stands/performances in areas that are usually occupied by other street vendors/pan handlers/ crazy people/ buskers/ hobos? I am most certain that they would be quite irate and ready to defend their territory to the death. How would we go about protecting ourselves? We must devise a plan to assertively deal with this situation.

Also, the lives of gypsies seems like it is very set apart from the rest of the world. It is a lonely life- that of a gypsy. How would Joy and I tear ourselves away from the world we currently live in, and adapt to the lifestyle and mindset of gypsies?

What does a gypsy eat anyways? Or wear? Would I have to dye my hair and get a tan? Wear dark contacts? Learn to belly-dance? I don't really have a clue. These things would definitely have to be researched. Perhaps there is a course for how to become a gypsy, at The Gypsy Institute or something.

Anyhow, strangely enough, Joy and I have entertained these ideas in our heads. Its about as absurd as Joy seriously considering becoming a Grey Nun. She even got an application form sent to her. But I think she has to be Catholic or something, so there goes that plan.

Feel free to give your input on how to effectively live like a gypsy in the United States.

Blender Pizza

2006-01-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

so for all you who don't know, I started a new job a couple weeks ago. My official title is "Houseparent". I'm the new "mom" in a home for adults with developmental disabilities. My duties include what most mothers do- cook and clean. Now, seeing as I actually ENJOY cooking, the job is pretty amazing. But here's the catch...everything I make has to be pureed in a blender because most of the residents cannot chew or swallow very well. I must say that at first I was kind of confused as to what to do. I cook normal meals, such as pancakes, bacon and eggs, lasagna, salad, ham and scalloped potatoes, etc...but it all needs to be blended until it reaches the consistency of baby food. Even pizza goes through the blender. After my first day there, I had dreams about pureeing food. Now its just commonplace. I must say that none of it looks very pretty. I hope I never have to be spoonfed blended pizza. Never ever.

On another note, yes, Rae Ann and I have actually bought gym passes to the YMCA. And we have actually used them more than once. I'm not sure if I'm enjoying it though...mostly because Rae is pretty embarassing. The other day she commented (in a really loud voice) how my "boobs look huge" in the tank top I was wearing (which I was not intending to show off, I might add), and the guy working out beside us heard that, looked over at me, and grinned. How embarassing. Needless to say I think I should buy a bunch of baggy t-shirts to wear to the gym.

I'm a little sad tonight. Just found out the man in my life is leaving out of town again for work. Seems like as soon as he's back in town he's gone again. I really shouldn't be surprised, being away goes hand in hand with working on the rigs...*sigh*

Anyhow, just thought I'd let everyone know I'm still alive...
Good night

New Year's Resolutions...?

2006-01-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, resolutions are only made to be broken. Well, here's my list of things I wish to do this year but probably won't.

I want to go on a trip. Anywhere would be really fantastic. Well, as long as it has a beach, and sunny warm weather, I'm totally in (so I guess that rules out Cold Lake, seeing as even the summers aren't warm and sunny there anymore).

I want to meet a celebrity. Don't ask me why or who, just someone famous. Ideally, in Hollywood, as I am on vacation. Sweet, two resolutions in one.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle. Yes, I want to be a biker chick. It's my new "image".

I want to stop eating so much Boston Pizza food. It pretty much cancels out all the exercise I get at work.

I want to find a coffeeshop in Edmonton that is special. Just like the House was. Where I can go, sit in a corner, listen to good tunes and drink good tea, chat with all the crazy regulars, and maybe play a song or two at open mic night. Aww..I miss those days in Kensington. Rae figures I should open my own place here in Edmonton. I don't think so...I'm already broke enough as it is.

I'm thinking I should try out for Canadian Idol this year. Just to say I did. Not that I actually want to be on the show, I just think it would be another fun experience to add to my list.

I think this list could go on and get more absurd as it progresses. So I'm just going to end it here.

death by pumpkin

2005-12-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

So Rae Ann and I have this pumpkin just rotting away on our balcony, left from halloween. Why we didn't throw it out in the first place I'm not sure..I think it was already starting to rot inside our sweltering apartment and we were too grossed out to carry it down the stairs. So, being the smart people we are, we stuck it outside on the balcony. It is now a pile of mush in a plastic grocery bag, its rotten juices spreading over the balcony and dripping down the edge. Now we're really too grossed out to carry it down to the dumpster. We've thought about kicking it off our third floor balcony, but I could foresee that being not such a great idea....it could maybe hit someone in the head on the ground below, or hit my car or something. Will someone please come and remove this disgusting thing for us??

hello Dr. Wong!

2005-12-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

So, I think you all remember my short-lived potential romance, the Chinese Ukrainian named Wong, who code switched between perfect and not-so-perfect English...yes, good old Wong. Well, anyhow, I've been looking at getting myself a regular doctor to go see here in the city, and I was referred by a friend to someone who was taking new patients here in the south. I almost choked when I found out his name was Dr. Wong. I wondered if he was young, single, and Chinese Ukrainian. Well, it turns out he's young, I'm pretty sure he's single due to the lack of ring on finger, and he's Chinese, although I have yet to ask if he's Ukrainian. PLUS he's a doctor. Kinda awkward that he's MY doctor though, especially since I have to go for my physical this morning...hmmm...could be interesting.

monday morning musings

2005-12-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

It snowed like crazy last night. Until today, I cannot say that I had put my new car to the test in the winter time. I drove slowly and carefully, and still slid through two red lights on my way to the bank. I'm definitely not used to anti-lock brakes. I pray there were no cameras...I honestly was not try to beat any lights nor was I speeding and I TRIED to slow down well in advance...dah. Now I feel like not going anywhere ever for the next 5 months, or until the snow melts, that is.

I think I just burned my toast....yup, I checked and all I see in the toaster oven is a wee little piece of charcoal bread, hard as rock. Funny how I can bake home-made bread and cookies and gourmet entrees, but I haven't figured out the art of the perfect piece of toast in this toaster oven.

I feel tired today and I still have an 8 hour shift tonight. Not looking forward to working till midnight then getting up at 6am to make it down town (in this stupid weather) for my 8am interview. Yes, another government interview. I hope I get offered a job...I'm really tired of waitressing, and not looking forward to no time off over the holidays. Boo-urns.

The toaster just dinged...and much to my surprise and delight, I have produced the perfect golden piece of toast.

The other day I saw four big army tanks cruising through South Edmonton Commons...it was truly bizarre, as the base is like an hour's drive north of this end of the city. And I don't think there's a war going on in Edmonton, or any political protests going on in South Commons...there ARE great Christmas sales at all the stores, however. Perhaps they were going to get sweet decorations for the barracks.

And I've decided that I like Edmonton better than Calgary. Calgary is a beautiful city, and there are parts that I miss (like friends and family, Kensington, walking by the Bow River, the C-Train, and the view of the mountains), but people in Edmonton are much funnier. Much more blue collar, and growing up in Cold Lake has definitely bred me to be more familiar with blue collar way of life. I felt so out of place amongst the yuppies of Calgary. Seriously, girls would show up at 8am classes with perfect hair and makeup and stiletto heels with their $300 pair of jeans. Plus Edmonton has better sports teams...but that's just my opinion.

On another note, I finally won the battle with my boss for Sundays off. No Sunday shifts for me. I went to church yesterday, and it was glorious. We talked about what to give to the One who has everything, using the examples of the types of gifts to baby Jesus in the Christmas story and the story of the poor widow who gave her last two coins to the temple. The point being that the only thing we can give to God that He doesn't already have is our wholeselves...our hearts...completely, fully, to Him. It seems simple, but is something that I'm sure all of us Christians have a hard time understanding how to do. I feel it is especially hard for those of us who have been Christians for so long...some of us become numb to the conept of being new creations in Christ...how can this and other teachings in the Bible be made fresh again? I don't want to be complacent...I want to hear and read the Word and experience it like it was the first time. I want to give my heart and life fully to God...but it often feels like an impossible task. Good intentions are overcome with temptation to please myself. This I know is everyone's battle.

Anyhow, I feel like I need a nap. I cranked the heat because it was freezing in here...and now its warm and I feel sleepy...very, very sssssleeeeeeppppyyyy........*snore*

Let it snow!

2005-11-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a machine...well-oiled, finely tuned machine. It isn't even 9am, and I've already cleaned the kitchen and living room, hung up the rest of our few christmas decorations, done a load of laundry, and listened to most of a christmas cd...LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!(Let's just say I'm almost ready for the snow to come...I'm sick of the brown dead grass everywhere).

My favorite song on my mix of christmas tunes is Welcome to Our World by Chris Rice. Not only is it a simple but pretty melody, the words always give me shivers and make me remember what Christmas is really about...

Welcome to our World (Chris Rice)

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You've been promised, we've been waiting
Welcome Holy Child, Welcome Holy Child

Hope that You don't mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home, please, make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven's silence
Welcome to our world, welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born, Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin, and make us holy
Perfect Son of God, Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

procrastination

2005-11-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining outside. Edmonton keeps boasting of their record-breaking temperatures, and here I am, sitting in my pjs, in a dark living room feeling quite sluggish, and having a slight scratchy feeling in my throat and a stuffy nose. I hope and pray that its just allergies or something. I really don't want to get sick...no that would not do. As a waitress, it would be quite disgusting to be serving people their food with a full-blown cold. Ewww...

Perhaps I SHOULD go for a walk...but then I'd feel guilty about leaving the apartment in the state its in. Stuff laying everywhere....christmas decorations, in fact, that have not found a place because I need a staple gun to hang some of them. And I don't own a staple gun. Or know anyone around here that does.

Yes, I should clean up a bit...but I really want to go shopping for more decorations that I can't hang. I'm the type of person that hates doing things a little bit at a time. I'd rather have all my stuff collected and ready to hang up all at once, hence why I would rather shop for more stuff than hang up what little crafty things I have. I don't know...it just bugs me...psychoanalysis anyone?

I bought a sweet game on Ebay last night. I hope it gets here soon. I've spent the last few months keeping an eye out for it here in Edmonton, but no one seems to know what I was I talking about when I mentioned the name Bohnanza. Oh sweet card trading game that involves humorous beans and harvesting fields of beans. So simple, yet so addicting...I haven't decided yet if I should keep the card game for my little household, or give it away as a christmas present to someone...the latter would probably be best, seeing that it is getting to be that time of year. I can think of a few people who would benefit from Bohnanza...although they don't know it yet. That, my friends, is one exciting evening in a box.

Yes, i think i should get up and do ANYTHING but procrastinate on the computer.

Alphabet Soup and Thoughts on Life

2005-11-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

I slept in way too late this morning. I went to bed at around 11:30pm, was rudely awoken by the telephone ringing at 6:58am, went back to sleep after talking to this individual who had had a little too much fun last night and had to call me first thing in the morning to tell me about it, and then had one of those deep but hazy sleeps...where you know you should get up, but somehow your mind and body are disconnected so that it is actually physically impossible to get up. I finally jumped out of bed after a phone call at 11:13am. Sick. I had better be jumping off the walls at work tonight, let me tell you...

I am now here, blogging a blog, eating cheese toast and the vegetable soup with the alphabet noodles in it, thinking about life in general, and what I could say to all who choose to read my ramblings.

I know you are all aware on my job situation, and how much I dislike what I am doing to earn a living at the moment. And about how I have been devoting what I think is a significant amount of time trying desperately to find something better. Lately, though, it seems as though I am slowly giving up. Yesterday, I realized that I was losing sight of my goal, or was it that I didn't really have a goal to work toward anymore? Is life not made up of a series of goals, major and minor? Goals ranging from losing a few pounds, to finishing school, getting married, joining some sort of extracurricular activity like soccer or basket weaving... Yes, life is full of these things. Yesterday, though, I realized that I haven't really been setting any goals for myself...is this why I have been viewing my life as so drab lately? And another astonishing thought came to mind- I don't want to want to set goals for myself. I felt as though the ones that were truly important to me had impossible road blocks that were taunting me...everytime I tried to go around, find a different route, climb over....I would find myself hitting a wall. Now, I know that life is often like a story, and the point of a story is to have a series of conflicts for the hero/ine to face, and the story doesn't end until these conflicts are resolved in some fashion. What would a story be like without conflict? Pretty boring, indeed, as life would also be without challenges. Ah yes, but yesterday, I distinctly remember thinking "I've had enough...what would happen if I just floated through life just doing what I'm doing, with no attempt to change"....just remaining a static character in my own story.

It shocks me that one unfortunate event in my life (ie. not achieving my goal of graduate school) has spiralled into this bizarre situation of feeling hopelessly lost. I've never felt hopelessly lost before. I've experienced transition, yes, but always had some sort of idea as to where I was headed (or wanted to be, for that matter). Now I don't really know what I want anymore.

Today is different from yesterday. Today I want to want to have goals. Perhaps tomorrow I will want to have goals. Even smalls goals, such as getting a gym pass and actually using it, or finishing the scarf I have begun to knit, or writing a new song.

Now, there is so much more I could say on this topic, which may include thoughts on our definitions of success, but for now this is all I can say. Thanks for listening.

Back, by popular demand...

2005-11-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in the blogging world, mostly due to my mom's sad comment on my last blog saying I need to write more so she knows what's going on in my life. I say, the phone is always a good way to do that too, but I suppose, with work, its been hard to get ahold of me lately.

Today is a miserable day here in Edmonton. Freezing rain has left the roads and sidewalks a hazard to all that dare step out onto them. The sky is grey, the ground bare and dirt brown, and the trees brittle and leafless (hmm....I'm not sure if that's a real word, but if not, it should be). I can't believe its the middle of November already. The stores are all decked out for Christmas time, and that gets me excited. I always wish I had a bit more money at this time of year. I love buying presents for people (and a few for myself), and would love to have my home decorated beautifully, with candles and christmas lights, and ribbons, and a christmas wreath on the door. I have a few things stocked away from other years, so we'll see what Rae and I can come up with. I'm getting into the Christmas baking spirit, and have already made butter tarts. I'm planning on having a few girls over from work to do some more baking. Fun-shaped sugar cookies to decorate, and fudge, and candy-cane cookies...mmmm...I wish I had a bigger freezer to keep everything in. I have 44 lbs of flour to work with (seriously), so this could keep me busy for quite some time. Hey, if anyone wants to gain a few pounds, just drop on by, and I'd be happy to accommodate you.

And I have exciting news: I can finally go to church this sunday. For those of you who don't know, my boss at work has scheduled me to work the last 5 weekends, therefore no church for me, cause no one wants to work sundays, so i can't pawn my shifts off. I told him I couldn't work that day because I go to church, and he rudely replied "you don't go to church." When he said this, I was so shocked...I couldn't believe he would say something so absolutely assuming! The reason he thinks this is because no one wants to work on Sunday for this reason or that, and they all use the excuse that they go to church (even thought it is an outright lie and everyone knows it). Then little old me comes along, and I actually do want to go on Sunday mornings, and I end up being the one who has to work the lunch shift. Brutal. So I complained, and I still somehow managed to get scheduled this sunday, but a girl called and wanted to trade me shifts so i work thursday and she works sunday, and its all peachy and I get to go to church now. What a gongshow.

Furthering on in the saga that is my life, I've been getting really tempted this past week to phone Jared. Now, I don't think this would accomplish anything good. At all. Nope, the phone would be hung up with both of us being angry, I think. I really wish he would grow up and actually be able to hold a civilized conversation with me, because despite the drama, I still do care a lot for him. And I am letting go, indeed, doing quite well, but every once in awhile, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of him, or I'll eat a piece of his favorite pizza at BP's and think about how he is, and just wish I knew he was doing fine. I don't regret all that happened with him and I. I learned a lot about myself and about life in the process. But every now and then, it strikes me how strange it is that the person I used to share so much with is no longer around. Its been exactly three months since we've spoken. I wonder if he thinks its strange too.

Anyhow, enough of my ramblings for now. I must get up out of this chair and get myself ready for a long day at work. Oh the joys of it all...

Boring life- boring blog

2005-11-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to get out of bed today. Not because I stayed out too late and wanted to sleep- no, I was in bed fairly early last night. I didn't want to get out of bed because I thought "what's the point?" Now, before you all get scared and want to refer me to a psychiatrist because you think I may be suffering from clinical depression (which would be a good possibility if I were feeling like this for 3-6 months) but I'm sure you've all had days like this, so sit back, relax, and enjoy my little rant.

The driving force behind getting me out of bed this morning was the knowledge that my work uniform was dirty, and it needed to be washed before I head out to work this evening. Let's face it, no one wants to be served in a restaurant where the waitresses wear dirty clothes. So, I went down and did two loads of laundry (which was a delight today because the washer and dryer were actually not being used by the 12 other households in this building). I actually tackled the task of washing the pots and pans (although I cheated by putting as much as I could in the dishwasher). I felt like a regular Betty Crocker yesterday- baked cinnamon and cheese buns , AND chicken pot pie all from scratch. I just hate the clean up. Finished reading a mindless book. Ate leftovers while sitting in front of the TV watching a fabulous episode of The Drew Carey Show. And this brings me to the present. So what's the problem, you ask? Well, nothing really.

That's just the thing. Nothing is really wrong. But then again, nothing is really great. My life feels so mundane, so drab, right now. I dread every day that I have to go to work, not that I have a problem with working, but the job itself leaves much to be desired. It is, perhaps, one of the more unfulfilling positions I've had. I still hold out for the hope that something better will come along soon, but even the motivation to get myself out there and look is quickly vanishing. I would love to get involved in something social, like a small group or playing on the worship team, maybe take a dance or pottery class, heck, even volunteer somewhere, but with my job, I have quickly realized that days requested off are not honoured, and so nothing is guaranteed.

I would go shopping or get my hair done, and that would lighten my mood, but I don't have extra money for amusement.

My creative juices have been running dry lately, thus the lack in blogs, and no motivation to pick up the guitar and write a song.

Reading the Bible, though always a good thing, has not been particularly refreshing.

And I pray, asking "Is this what You meant life on earth to be about?" And I know the answer to that question. But I don't know how to apply that knowledge to my life. How can God use me, even through the mundane? What is there to learn?

I know it is my attitude that needs to change before the rest can. But even that will have to wait for another day. Today I'm just enjoying moping around...if you know what I mean.

World's Largest...

2005-11-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take you on a little tour of the pride of Alberta: its uncanny amount of giant monuments in little towns across the province. However, to make this more interesting to you and I, I will be presenting this in the form of a multiple choice quiz! How fun!!

1. Ukranians eat me for breakfast. My monument is found in Vegreville, AB. I am...:

a) World's largest bowl of borscht
b) World's largest Ukranian Sausage, aka, coil of poo
c) World's largest Pysanka
d) World's largest cabbage roll

2. Rumor has it that Tom Green dressed up like an alien and knocked on the mayor's house because of this little gem:

a) World's first UFO landing pad in St. Paul, AB
b) Canada's finest air force base in Cold Lake, AB.
c) The Trek Station in Vulcan, AB
d) World's largest mutant squirrel in Edson, AB

3. The picture to the left represents:
a) "I love the World's Largest Coil of Poo"
b) "I love Mundare's Ukranian Sausage"
c) An ancient Ukranian Tool used for digging beets
d) It's art.

4. If the Smurfs moved to Alberta, they would most likely reside in:
a) Andrew, home of the World's Largest Mallard Duck
b) Smokey Lake, home of the World's Largest Pumpkin
c) Vilna, home of the World's Largest Mushrooms
d) Cold Lake, home of North Eastern Alberta's only Walmart.

5. The town of Glendon boasts the World's Largest what?
a) hoe
b) rubber boot
c) stamp collection
d) Pyrogy

6. Eating this would be a gas:
a) World's Largest Mallard Duck
b) World's Largest Softball
c) Pinto MacBean, World's largest Pinto bean
d)Mozzy the Mosquito

Anyhow, this quiz could go on and on, but I'm tired, and seriously, there are too many roadside attractions in Alberta to mention. Here's a question, why in the world does Alberta have so many roadside attractions? Do they really generate more tourism, or do they serve some other purpose? This has plagued me for a long time.

If you wish to see pictures of many of these monuments, check out http://www.roadsideattractions.ca/alberta.htm.

I promise my next blog will be more inspiring.

liquid

2005-10-27T16:34:00.000-06:00

my thoughts elude me
as i try to grasp them;
like water, they slide through my hands,
and i feel helpless as they soak the ground.

you ask me for an answer,
so i wrestle with the earth
to try and give you a glimpse of my intentions;
but it turns to mud, and I mess the house

(it dries, and so do i,
cracked, unable to stand, and i crumble in your hands)

when will the rain soothe the parchness?
will the time ever come,
when liquid turns to solid,
when my soul sings again?

for lack of a better blog

2005-10-24T00:03:00.000-06:00

Hmmm, I think I have gone the longest stretch of not blogging a blog since my debut in September, 2005. What to write? A poem? Another entry of my "coffeeshop diaries" (which only I understand anyways)? Take everyone on a tour of Alberta's "World's Largest [insert item here]" complete with picture, description, and witty comment? Or how about just rambling on about whatever pops into this head of mine. Yes, that could be fun. Random, but fun.

Let's start with today. Today I wanted so badly to sleep as long as I possibly could. But then I started thinking about some of the errands I needed to run, and I couldn't really sleep...but oh how I tried. I finally got up after I realized that someone may be coming to my apartment for the annual inspection any time between 9am and 5pm any day this whole week, and I thought, wouldn't it be embarassing if I was sleeping...and not in a decent state, and they came in to do the inspection, and there I was, sprawled out in bed. How embarassing, if I must say. I don't know why they don't actually state the day that they're coming by, so that I can be atleast somewhat prepared. What if I'm in the shower? What if the place is a complete disastor? Why are they doing stupid annual inspections anyways? We just moved in two months ago, and they renovated the entire suite, so I don't think we could have put holes in ALL the walls, or stained the whole carpet, or burned the stove into smitherines. I think its stupid. I better hide my tip jar full of money so that it doesn't go missing. I don't trust these "inspectors."

Hmmm...what am I to write now? Tell a scandalous tale of romance? hmmm... perhaps a haiku would be appropriate. It is one I see written in my journal during my semantics class. Apparently it was during the section on propositional logic (for those of you who are unsure, a haiku is a three line poem, where the syllabic structure is 5, 7, 5, and verses don't rhyme):

Class from the devil
Comprehension is futile
Why me, oh, why me?

here's one on road rage:

cut off, temper flares
leaning on horn, grab the club
fist shaking in air

And perhaps a more "spiritual" haiku:

Rays of light shine through
old decrepid pottery
hope shows its color

Well, that's all I got for now. If anyone would like to submit a haiku, feel free. Throw one in there about Moons over my Hammy. Come on people, there hasn't been one submission to my contest! The prize is worth it, let me tell you!!

Dreams

2005-10-20T23:18:00.000-06:00

Dreams; not the REM ones, but the ones that motivate us to act in certain ways, to choose certain paths- they are a strange thing. As children, we dream of the great accomplishments that we will make when we are adults: when we are so much wiser, richer, and able to do these tasks. But as we age, dreams change. They are not always motivated by fantastic ideas, grandieur in nature, created with a limitless imagination (as they are when we are children), but become more realistic, more "practical." But are they? Sometimes, yes. Adults sometimes dream of having a nice family with a nice, stable home and a good job. Some dream of writing prize winning novels or radio-worthy music, and dedicate their lives to these tasks. But others dream of wealth, fame, power, and influence. Greed and pride is the driving force behind these aspirations. And people become blind to the consequences of pursuing their dreams. Others are hurt, nations are driven apart, all for one person's gain. But what do they gain? In the end it is meaningless. Empty people are walking in hopes to fill their lives through self-gratification. Empty people are reaching into their empty souls, their resources dry, and this will go on for the rest of their life, for they will never be satisfied. But somewhere along the way, Someone presents himself to each and every one of us. He who holds within himself life, riches, and fulfillment in abundance. Those who realize their depravity and the hopelessness of their situation take freely what the Stranger has to offer. But pride and ignorance smothers the rest, and they choke, for their lifeless dreams bind them to a sealed room with no air. The window is there to be opened, but they stubbornly choose to die. Having God as your motivation and inspiration is the only way to fulfillment. Let him guide your dreams.

The adventures of Superjan: a list of strange events

2005-10-20T01:11:00.000-06:00

So I have decided to compile a short list on the top X number of strangest things I have experienced in my short 23 and a half years of existence. The reason I say "X" number is because once my mind gets going on this type of thing, I may or may not think of many wild and wacky things to list. Note that my list may include experiences from many different areas, including and not limited to the following: relationships, food, travel, family...etc.

1. I have eaten some strange food- well, it seems strange to my Canadian palate, but perhaps it is normal in other parts of the world. This includes california rolls with hot dogs in them (ITS REAL!!! Ask the Schienbeins!) . It also includes cow-tongue tacos and some sort of animal intestine stew....mmm..chewy. Perhaps the worst meal I have experienced was when one of my former bf's tried to make me a "romantic meal"- which consisted of seasoned breaded pork chops, kraft dinner, and minute rice. Where are the veggies???? (He was convinced that rice was the vegetable).

2. I have heard some strange sounds produced by the human body. Particularly, in a family such as mine, where we eat some, well, gas producing substances. My sister is the queen of strange bodily noises. The wackiest of them all was when she burped, sneezed, farted, hiccoughed and cleared her throat all at the same time. Oh man...

3. Waking up with an entire bag of flour poured over my head was definitey strange. I know I was an annoying little sister, but I didn't think it was enough to warrant pouring 10 lbs of flour on a sleeping asthmatic. My brother is lucky I didn't die. When I had a bath to attempt to remove all the flour, my hair kept turning into dough. I think I washed it four times before it all came out. I don't know how I survived that cruel treatment from the older brother that I adored.

4. Working at The House, I had strange experiences every day. I met some pretty "special" people. One person in particular came in one day and started chatting with me, and as part of my job, we were required to chat with our customers, build relationships, etc. So, I just humoured this person in his ramblings (and I mean RAMBLINGS). It was pretty close to election time, and he was going on and on about how he was a campaigner for the Conservative Party. Now, I am not particularly fond of discussions on politics, and after awhile, I made it known to this individual on my feelings on these issues. He then proceeded to verbally slam me, saying that I was stupid because I didn't like politics. And he then started saying things like "anyone who doesn't vote for the conservatives deserves to die. Yes, I will throw them infront of the C-Train." And he was really adament, and talking really loudly, and clearly disturbing my other customers. So I calmy told him that he would have to leave because we don't tolerate that sort of behaviour, and he left The House in a rage, pointing his finger at me while he walked out the door, talking in the first person plural, saying "we won't forget this!! You're going to get it!!" Well, needless to say, I was quite shaken by this crazy young man, whom as I was later told, was a schizophrenic who didn't take his meds, and he was kicked out of every other store in the Kensington area." For awhile after, however, I still refused to work late night shifts and close the shop alone.

5. Another strange work related experience: I worked with a child with special needs, and this individual had a particular obsession with diapers. It was not uncommon for me to go to work, and the child come at me with no pants, flailing a diaper wildly in the air, and trying to convince me to "tape diaper on please." It was really awkward, cause this individual was maybe 6 inches taller than me and outweighed me by probably 50 lbs. I was scared.

6. I have been dumped my fair share of times. I have heard it all from "I'm in love with my ex who cheated on me, and she wants me back real bad, so I'm taking her back and we're getting married" to "uhhhh....I think we should just be friends (really meaning "I'm in love with my ex who dumped me cause I'm an idiot and I just dated you to make her jealous, but now I really want to marry her"). Oh, I was also seeing someone who went on a two week mountain bike trip with his buddies, and came back and told me (no jokes) "On my trip, I didn't miss you at all, so I think that's a sign that we shouldn't be together." But the single strangest excuse tops them all: "I want to become a monk. And monks can't get married. So I don't want to lead you on forever if its never going to end in marriage." And to this day, I think he is still single. And I'm not certain he's actually going to be a monk. Just a remain a single journalist for the rest of his days (by his choice! and I respect that, but it still was the strangest break up I have ever had!!). Moral of the story is this: don't date anyone who is still in love with their ex, or who talks of becoming a monk. (I really wish I knew these things beforehand...oh well, I'm slowly learning from my mistakes.) Note that, although it seems I have dated a million people, I don't consider any of the ones I just listed "real" relationships for they lasted no longer than like, a day (ok, maybe 6 weeks).

7. Travelling through Mundare and seeing "World's Largest Sausage." Looked more like "World's Largest Coil of Poo." I'd be really embarassed (or really proud, depending on perpective) to have that thing in my community.

8. When I was in high school, I had this friend named Chas who lived down the road from me in the country. Being so close to the saskatchewan border, we decided one day to ride our bicycles to saskatchewan. On that fine day, we rode our bikes leisurely down the back road, when we came upon an old man driving his tractor. Now, it just so happened that we were riding our bicycles faster than the tractor, so naturally we passed it. The old man stared at us and shook his fist, yelling "there's a speed limit on this road, girls!" And we looked at eachother with bewildered looks on our faces and laughed, for the speed limit was 80km/hr, and we were probably going 20. Crazy old farmer.

9. In russia I got kissed by a strange boy on the bus. I was not expecting that. I also saw Lenin's dead pickled/waxed remains. It was eerie.

10. And this one tops it all: I met a Chinese Ukranian named Wong on the Internet today, and he wants for us to get married and run away to the Ukraine to open up a Chinese food restaurant....well...that never really happened, but makes for a great story, doesn't it?

And I think I will end the list there. Although I'm sure this won't be the end of the "Adventures of Superjan".

Single Ukranian female looking for Single Chinese Ukranian Male

2005-10-19T00:20:00.000-06:00

So I decided tonight that perhaps I should be helping my chances of finding a suitable mate by advertising on the internet. So here I am, posting my advertisement on my blog...which won't really help my chances too much since no more than 10 people actually read these once in awhile. Oh well, here goes it anyways...

I do not believe that I should have to describe my qualities, as one can guess at my personality by reading my blogs. And as for the qualities I am looking for in someone, I've only come up with one specification:

Must be Chinese Ukranian. Think about it, the food would be awesome: eggrolls and cabbage rolls, wontons in your borscht, garlic and ginger in everything. Sweet. Plus tonight someone said I would probably never get married if that's what I truly wanted in someone: for she believed it was impossible to find someone who is both chinese and ukranian at the same time. I believe that it is indeed possible. And I'm going to find me one. I wonder what our kids would look like...

Anyhow, so if any of you know of any single male chinese ukranians over the age of 22 and under the age of 30, please let me know. Oh, and they must be Christian. And know how to cook more than hotdogs and kraft dinner. And not leave their stinky socks all over the place. And be able to serenade me with beautiful love songs. And buy me a present on my birthday, or atleast send me a card. And have a car. And a sense of humour. Ok, so maybe there's more to my qualifications than ethnic background alone. Dang, my friend is right...this search is near impossible. Oh well, it WOULD be funny if I did meet someone who was Chinese Ukranian. I guess if I married someone who was Chinese and we had babies, they would be somewhat Chinese Ukranian (with a few other odd backgrounds in the mix).

I think I ate too much quiche tonight. Its doing weird things to me. Which is why I say ignore all my ramblings tonight: I'm tired and full of food. And if you happen to see any random pictures of me floating on the internet (such as a certain person's blogsite), it's not what you think.

pretty in pink

2005-10-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

So tonight I was playing around with different templates for my blog, just trying out new looks, kinda like how girls like to play around with their hair color. Anyhow, so I guess the last one I chose wasn't very popular with my readers, so unpopular, infact, that I started to receive hate mail (well, not actually, but it makes for a great story, doesn't it?) Anyhow, the reason I was changing it was because somehow in this template my profile ends up way at the bottom of the page, and I want it at the top of the page, but don't know how to change it. So, I changed it to a template where the profile would be at the top...but after taking a good look at my new template, I started to see how the old one was much more fitting for "musings of a city girl." Pink is much prettier than green, in my opinion. So much prettier, in fact, that 50% of my wardrobe consists of pink clothes, and maybe only 1% of my clothes are green. I once had pink
hair. I have bright pink sunglasses.
If I had decent fingernails (i use the excuse that I am a guitar player so I can't have long nasty talon-like nails), I would paint them pink all the time. But if I was allowed to paint the walls in my apartment, I don't think I would paint them pink. That's a little too much, I think. But it sure makes a great accent color.

Anyhow, I spent all this time blowing up balloons for my sister's birthday tomorrow, and they keep falling down. None of them were pink, unfortunately. There were silver, blue, gold, yellow, and red, but no pink. Some of the streamers are pink, though. I've tried to ductape them to the ceiling, but its not working....and its so hot in my apartment. But if I open the window, it gets too cold. Can't there ever be a happy medium?

Oh well, perhaps I should actually try to get to bed tonight. Maybe I'll get into my pink pj's and cuddle my pink piglet, and slowly fall asleep counting pink sheep.

Goodnight.
note: I am not saying that green is ugly, just incase some of you were feeling appalled because you happen to like green. I like green too, I think its a cool calming color that reminds me of springtime...but to me, pink is prettier. It suits my skin tone much better than green.

A morning walk

2005-10-17T01:54:00.000-06:00

So, I've been doing a little more reminiscing today, and was reminded of one particular experience I had when things weren't really going as I would have liked. It happened awhile back on one of my many walks I would take in my favorite place in Calgary:

Oh, how I longed for something, just out of grasp of my conscious knowledge. I sensed it, but could not put my finger on it, could not identify it. Walking along the river toward Eau Claire that morning before class, I felt it. The rushing water was beautiful, the sun shining brightly on its surface. Almost all the signs of winter were gone, all but the occasional shrunken snowdrift and the bare trees reaching their brittle branches to the sky. And I lifted my face to the sky, soaking in the sun, enjoying the feeling of the gentle breeze in my hair, and smelling the earth and water around me. And for a moment, I forgot where I was or even who I was. I forgot the sounds of the construction going on in the area, the joggers and bikes rushing past, the disturbing headlines of the war on Iraq...I ceased to try and understand life and all its complications...everything stood still. I'm not even going to say it was any sort of "religious" experience...I think it was one split second of just BEING. Then I opened my eyes, and everything I saw evoked fond memories of long and not-so-long ago. And I can't explain the feeling that I had then. Like I wanted to stretch out and grasp the ungraspable. Like approaching a field full of flowers that looks so inviting to walk through, but it has the tallest fence surrounding it and you can't get it. Perhaps it was peace I was missing, within myself. But I think at that moment on my walk, I felt it, in all its richness and purity. And as I was approaching Eau Claire, I walked through the little playground where the kids play in the water in the summertime. And there were many children there with their moms and babysitters. It was so cool to observe them racing around with the biggest smiles on their faces, really unaware of anything wrong going on in the world. For them, every moment was the best, and I remembered what that felt like. And the rest of the day (although endured with tired feet, a tired head, and tired mind), was quite enjoyable. And as I looked more closely at the trees, I notices tiny buds on the branches, and I couldn't wait for them to open, revealing new life...then I would know it was Spring.

Tonight I felt that same sense of longing that I had been experiencing before I went on that morning walk. Then I remembered Paul's words in his letter to the Philippians- "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." And as I prayed, I quickly felt a sense of relief that could only come from God. So if any of you are feeling tired, anxious, or a sense of longing, pray to God and let his Spirit fill you with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Encouragement in the midst of the storm

2005-10-16T01:02:00.000-06:00

"He is before all things and in Him all things are held together" (Colossians 1:17)

I think that, in the eye of the storms in our lives, this essential truth is not in our semantic inventories. All we see is the present situation and worry about the negative impact it will have on us. And we lose sleep, toiling in the guilt and the "what-if's", thus losing our effectiveness as Christians. And that's exactly what Satan wants. If we're saved, atleast he can try his best to get us to float through life being "navel gazers." Life is a battle, and I know that most times I feel like I'm losing; on the team that's full of good intentions, but hopelessly doomed to fail. But whose team am I on?

Look at the verse I quoted in the beginning...that's my Team Leader. Jesus was here before the creation of the world, and he upholds it with his mighty hand. Every beat my heart makes, every sunset I see, every situation I get myself into, is ultimately controlled by God. And he promises us, in 2 Cor. 12:9 "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weaknes..." We claim to believe in God. DO WE BELIEVE IN GOD? When our world seems to crumble beneath our feet, we must remember and cling to the truth that Christ is holding it together. Believing and living goes hand in hand...and its then that the enemy is powerless and distressed, just as are the storms that sought to steal our joy and rest.

When in Russia...

2005-10-14T14:52:00.000-06:00

First off, I would like to start this entry off with a little contest. I like contests: there's a contest at work to see who can sell the most items off BP's new ribrageous menu. I think I'm within the top ten or so...

Anyhow, so the contest for you is this: I will award a special prize to whomever can come up with the best poem entitled: Moons over my Hammy.

You might be asking how I ever came up with that title...but if I told you it wouldn't be as fun to write a poem about it. So an extra prize goes to whomever can tell me what inspired this title.

So, back to the real purpose of this blog. I was looking through some photos I had taken a few years back on my trip to Russia, and got to reminiscing about it. Several memories came to mind, and I then thought: what advice would I give to someone who was travelling to that country for the first time? Janet's Do's and Dont's while in Russia are as follows:

Do have fun shopping in the markets. My favorite was the vast amounts of cool European shoes they had for really cheap. However, my advice is not to shop at the major shopping centres: there's huge naked pictures of people on the walls, and prices are absurd. Stick to the little marketplaces, and you'll save a tonne and get cool little folky things like Matroshka dolls galore. Oh, and if you can stomach it, go to the food market. The meat section is divided into Pork, Beef, Lamb, etc, and you know which is which because each section is marked by the head of the animal on a stick. It's crazy...

Do go see Lenin's pickled remains buried in a tomb in the Red Square. Don't make any noise or take pictures...there are mean security guards in there, and they yell at you (or atleast it sounds like they're yelling...everything said in Russian sounds like yelling)

If you are a girl: Don't go to the banks to exchange American Dollars into Rubles. Approach well-dressed men on the street. Chances are they're a part of the mafia. If they think you're cute, they'll give you a better exchange rate. Don't, however, flirt too much, or you may get a marriage proposal that you aren't able to refuse...then you'd end up like Michelle Pfeiffer's character on Married to the Mob. If you are a boy: you COULD approach the mob men for money, I just don't think you'd get any better of a rate than the bank...you might be risking your life (or a couple of limbs anyhow).

Do have fun getting to know the locals. Most are very hospitable, can speak some English, and would be happy to have you into their home for a visit. Do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) make eye contact with a stranger of the opposite sex on the bus. They may get the wrong idea about you and you'll look up and see them all of a sudden hovering over you leaning in for a smooch. Trust me, its not pleasant, especially when you're 21, and they're 16, and write "I love uoy" on their cell phone screen and ask if you understand and you try not to laugh, and then they try to kiss you, but you move your face in a panic, and they get your neck, and then the guy next to you starts yelling at the boy in Ukrainian...yeah...awkward.

Do buy the cheap novelty vodkas sold in the gas stations (and anywhere else..man I didn't know they actually liked vodka THAT much). You may even be lucky enough to find a little bottle of it with Stalin's face on the label. But if you do...DON'T drink it by any means. I've heard (I have not experienced though...) that the cheap stuff is like drinking antifreeze and can really hurt your system. The better stuff is more expensive, but still relatively cheap compared to here in Canada. Lots of the bottles have amusing labels- I bought one that went through a time line of all the hours in the day and what you would experience, assuming you spent the whole day drinking the vodka...it was all written in Russian though, and I didn't understand all of the jokes. maybe that's a good thing.

Do go visit the beautiful cathedrals. St. Basil's and The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour are amazing. DON'T bring anything in that may be considered a weapon...there's metal detectors at the gates. And make sure you know where you can and can't take pictures, or you'll have all the old ladies who work at the church yelling at you. And don't be surprised at the absurd amounts of gift shops in the church, it was so touristy...it was kind of weird...I half expected Jesus to come down and start turning over tables and stuff flying everywhere...

Do go visit the Black Sea, its so nice and beautiful in the summer. DON'T be surprised at the toilets...I certainly was when I had to use the washroom and saw that it was a circle of squatty potties with no doors on the stalls, and just a little hole and some water running through a pipe to wash things down. It was kind of awkward to be peeing facing the person across from you who is also peeing...oh man, how embarassing. Oh, and don't be surprised at the amount of skin people are willing to show at the beach. It is Europe, you know. You'll see the oldest nastiest people in string bikinis and speedos (but I'm not necessarily recommending that you do as the Russians do and wear your thong...and guys...please NO speedos...please...)

Anyhow, there is much more advice I could give. But I think I've covered the most important things you need to know. If any of you are planning a little trip there, just let me know and I'd be happy to teach you a little more of what I learned.

ПРИВЕТ!!

Hello Government

2005-10-12T22:46:00.000-06:00

I don't really have anything deep or profound (or even humorous) to blog about tonight, but then again, this is my own site, so I can pretty much write about anything I want to , can't I? So I'm sorry to all those who only read my blogs to laugh at my crazy antics, or feel touched by my ponderings. I'm sure there'll be more entertainment coming your way soon enough (in the meantime, please follow the link to Joy's site, and bug her a little bit. From what I hear, she's always looking for an argument *ahem- the Yogger-Extra Values dispute concerning royalties on "noting"- please refer to the comments in my last entry*)

So, I've spent the last two hours of my night studying for an "interview" I have at 9am Friday. I put interview in quotations because its not your typical interview- no, I have to go write a test first, and then they sort through those and pick the best candidates for a real interview. I don't know if its a waste of time or not, but I don't care because its for a position for the Government of Alberta, and from what my career counselor says, "its almost impossible to get a call back for those government jobs." I guess it helps that I've applied for 50 gazillion G.O.A. jobs. They're probably sick of seeing my name pop up an average of 5 times a day. So anyways, the job is for an "AISH financial benefits worker". I applied for this so long ago that I forgot what the job even was..I'm pretty sure its working with people with disabilities to determine whether they're eligible for support through the AISH program (assured income for the severely handicapped), working with those who are already receiving it and monitoring changes in their financial status, etc.

I don't know if I should be sick with anxiety or jumping with glee...let's see, what are the pros and cons?

pros:

I am definitely better at the written portions of anything...I kicked butt in any written tests I had in school, but wasn't the most comfortable with oral presentations...so perhaps this written test may make me out to know more than I actually do. A little secret for you guys- I actually ENJOYED writing tests in University...how geeky is that? I loved the challenge and seeing how I'd do...
Even if I can make one contact within the government, it may help me in the future
I get to get out of the house and wear a nice outfit- I'm getting tired of laying around the house in my pyjamas (wow, I used the word "get" a lot in that last sentence..as a linguist, you'd think I had a better vocabulary than that!)

cons:

I seriously have no qualifications for this job
the AISH handbook alone is 30 pages...I have one day to study something I know almost nothing about...
I don't have a clue what types of questions they'll be asking...like I said before, I don't even know what type of qualifications they're looking for, or what sort of work this position would require, so I may waste my time studying for the wrong thing and look like a complete idiot...so bad that, infact they post my name in every department, and say "if this girl ever applies for anything with the Government, don't bother wasting your time calling her for an interview- she can craft a good resume, but she doesn't know crap."
I have to be there for 9am. I know, I know, that's super early for most normal people (hint of sarcasm), but when you're used to working until midnight or later, you get used to being a night owl. (When I was in school and had 8am classes, I'd be in bed by 10pm...its now 10:43 and I'm still wide awake)

I think I would pee my pants if I actually passed this part of the screening process. And I would have a heart attack if I got the job. Maybe I would have brain damage while my heart stopped, and eventually become a qualified candidate for AISH. Wouldn't that be ironic?

I still don't know why they called me...

Eat your heart out, Michael W. Smith

2005-10-11T00:16:00.000-06:00

I've had a lot of thoughts racing through my mind tonight as I served at a dreadfully slow Boston Pizza tonight. Sure, some of them involved "man, these people have been sitting here forever! Will they just pay and leave already so I can go home?" and "why is the kitchen staff being so lazy tonight?? Its not even busy and orders are taking way too long!!", but the majority of my thoughts lingered on the more delicate questions of life. One being "how long will I have to work here?" I'm still not over the fact of how a person with a University degree ends up having to waitress to make a living. Not that I mind it, or think that its somehow "beneath me", but its just that I didn't spend almost $50 000 to do that as a career. Its unfortunate that there are many others in the same boat as I.

Another thought came to mind as I left the restaurant and headed for home. As I walked to my car, I suddenly felt delighted that I had a car to walk to, and a job to leave that night. I realized that my life is pretty darn good (this is a slight continuation of my "thankfulness" still running over from Thanksgiving). Even though things are hard, and money is really tight, I know that if I get in a bind, I have awesome friends and family who are always there to bail me out. And at once I felt so unworthy of all these rich blessings in my life. I felt like, not in a million years could I ever do enough to "earn" what I have been given by God. Even though I know that God bestowing His blessings on us is not some sort of transaction, where we earn it through works or whatnot (much like how we could never earn our salvation, its a free gift), I still felt like I needed to do more to be able to give back. This then led to the question of "how does God want to use me this year?" Will I sing on the worship team? Will God give me the opportunity to be His witness in my workplace? Will I be there to comfort my friends when they need it? Can I somehow help the poor and needy in my community?? Who can I be praying for?

I know that God is using my life to be a blessing to others, but I just don't see the workings right now. In my head, it seems like I'm not doing anything, because I'm new in the city, don't have too much interaction with others, am not currently actively involved in the church I have been attending, and don't see how my day to day work at Boston Pizza is helping me show God's love to others. But I know that we are often not aware of the growth of the seeds we plant daily when we allow God to work in our lives...this is so that we may boast in Him, and not in ourselves.

Its hard for me, not knowing where I will even be in a month's time...I've always liked to have things planned out, and its hard for me to completely trust that God knows what He's doing with my life. Will I still be struggling to survive on my measly pay at BP's? Or will I have a job that I feel I can enjoy and progress in? Will I be more involved in my church? Will I have made some new friends?

I don't know if you guys remember the song "Place in this World" by Michael W. Smith, but its been running through my head the past couple of days...which is bizarre because I haven't heard the song in probably 10 or more years...but the lyrics are a perfect fit to where I am in this time of transition:

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m
Chorus:Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m...
Chorus

Anyhow, I realize that there are no straightforward answers to all these questions...no one can ever be certain of the path their life is going take...I just need to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding..."

Counting my blessings

2005-10-09T17:28:00.000-06:00

Wow, its amazing what a huge turkey dinner and a 2 hour nap can do for you (I still feel in a drugged state, but I'm definitely relaxed).

So, its Thanksgiving, and although I know I shouldn't only think of the things I'm thankful for just one day a year, I figure this is a good opportunity to reflect on the blessings in my life. I'm not sure that I can actually think of and list all the things that I am indeed grateful for, but here are a few:

1) All the material comforts of home...the fact that I have a soft bed and warm shower, and computer, and food to eat (although at times like these I eat way too much and feel (almost) sorry I did)...the list goes on...

2) My family, whom I feel are the most loving and caring people a girl could ask for. My mom is always willing to go out of her way to help anyone who needs it (and she makes the best homemade buns ever!). My dad is a very straightforward person who's great at solving almost any problem you throw his way (that's why he had a perfect GPA in his University math and physics program). My older brother, although he did horrible things to me as a child, such as pour a whole bag of flour on my head while I was sleeping, or try and convince me when I was three years old to eat rabbit poo cause it was "chocolate", has developed into the most sensitive caring person, who could talk the ear off anyone who lends it, but also lend his when you needed to talk...I like to think of him as a mix of my mom and dad, because of his sensitive nature and his amazing problem-solving abilities (he too is a math geek of sorts...geophysics...don't ask me what that is). When I lived in Calgary, I could always count on my brother to drop whatever he was doing if I needed help (like the time the battery in Johnny 5 died, or giving me a shoulder to cry on if I was sad, and sharing in my victories...and feeding me supper on many occasions). And he got married, and my sister in law is very much like him, although she's not a math geek, she's more into the psychology like I am. My younger sister likes to "mother" everyone she's close too, including me, which I think is funny because I am much older and quite capable of making sound decisions for myself, but I know its because she has a caring and nurturing heart and will make a fine wife and mother someday.

3) My friends, some of which have been around since before I can remember. Who have shared good times and bad times as we learn of life together. Who pray with me and for me. The ones that know exactly what I'm thinking even though I haven't said a word, who don't take my occasional grumpy times personally (its usually just when I'm made to stay up past my bedtime...I cherish my sleep). The ones whom I can scheme up pretty crazy ideas with, and who are there to see them into fruition (ie. being rockstars and staying up until all hours of the night practicing our songs, playing "detectives" to solve the many mysteries of Cold Lake, dressing up like pumpkins and "trick or treating"...when it wasn't halloween). Oh man, how I love them and wish the best for them...

4) Music. I'm glad God created music and gave humans the ability to create it(as well as some animals such as birds, but not crows, their calls aren't music in my opinion) My guitar...its always there, soothing me with its soft, rich tone, allowing me to get lost in the music which seems to get a life of its own. The vocal apparatus, which is an instrument in and of itself that God gave to us...its so intricate, but can produce the most impressive variety of tones and pitches...and my first love...the piano...that, although my skills have long since ceased, the first 14 years of my life consisted of hours upon hours playing this delicate instrument. I hope to one day have a piano of my own so that I can embrace its melodies once more.

5) The beauty of God's creation. How many times have I walked in the fields behind my house, clearing my head of all the confusion of the day, smelling the sweet scent of wildflowers and clean air, seeing the occasional deer race through, watching bees fly around to collect pollen, even spiders (which I hate with a passion when they are found in my house) and how they spin their webs fascinates me. At night, I look up and stare at the sky for hours...the stars out here are amazing (I miss them when I'm in the city), and on occasion I'll see the northern lights dance across the sky. When I lived in Calgary, I loved to hop in the car and take a short trip to the mountains just to get away and think. They remind me of God's power, how He can create things so huge and beautiful with just one word. And Thetis Island...I have never lived in a place so rich in beauty, from the salty scent of the ocean, to the amazing sunsets every night, Fall, which seemed to last forever there, the little crabs that would scurry along the beach. It was there that I learned of the saving life of Christ, which brings me to my next (and last) point.

6) How amazing is it to think that our God died so that we could have a relationship with Him? That He Himself came down to earth, walked among us, as prophecied for years and years by the old testament prophets. Who showed love to those who most didn't think deserved as much as a "hello". Who demonstrated that true religion isn't following a bunch of rules, rather takes place first in the heart, and then is displayed through actions...taking care of orphans and widows, doing unto others as we would have them do to us, loving God with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength. Who loved and prayed for those who persecuted Him, and taught us to do the same. Who bestowed on His believers His Spirit to guide us and help us in following His example. Who reminded us that Heaven is our final destination...that things of this world are just temporary...I could go on and on and on...

Yeah, I'm a pretty lucky gal to have these things in my life.

thinking is my worst enemy, and my best friend...oh man

2005-10-08T01:32:00.000-06:00

Funny how one bad thought could ruin your whole mood for the rest of the day. Like tonight, for example, I was having a great time and then one little thought that creeped into my brain set me off to feeling bad enough to have to write a blog about it. (Please note, that although I wouldn't really describe myself as particularly moody, I do have my moments, and unfortunately I do not mask my moods well...if I am grumpy about something, everyone will definitely sense that. )

So I had a fun evening out chatting with Joy and Grace over cups of coffee and tea (Joy's was real "steeped" just like her outfit, ha). And as I dropped them off and drove away, a little thought came over me: "Nothing here is the same without him."

Now, as I'm sure all of you are aware (especially if you actually read the entry "underbaked chocolate goo, and missing him too), I experienced a particularly confusing and "messy" break-up with a boyfriend about 6 weeks ago. Although removing myself from this situation and moving to the city has been somewhat helpful, I am still trying to deal with all of the emotions and trying to be brave, keep my chin up, and move on.

On my way home, I found myself driving past his workplace, and looking up through the windows to see if it was him working the door that night. Can't say I could really tell, but it probably was...and then I was instantly flooded with all the anger and other bad feelings that I have allowed myself to harbour against him. In a way, I realize I haven't been dealing with this break-up for the past six weeks, but rather for many months now, because of all the problems we had been having. I feel sick to know that I have allowed this relationship to eat me up inside and cause me so much stress and heartache for so long.

I feel like I have been doing well for the fact that I don't think I've become bitter and cynical of love and relationships...and I am able to recognize why he wasn't the one for me, nor I the one for him. But why can't my head tell my heart this? Because the grieving process has been rather long, I do feel like I am ready to move on. But how?

In a way I have to laugh at my last question, because I have been in this situation more than once. And I always got over it. Why should it be any different this time?

I guess I'm just ranting because I do so good at trying not to dwell on these negative thoughts and allow them to affect my mood, but then the simple act of coming back to Cold Lake arouses my subconscious, which brings to my attention the fact that, no, things aren't the same here without him in my life. But if you know anything of how much I was hurting while we were together, you would think him not being in my life is a good thing. And it is. I can be me. My relationship with God is growing. I have hope for the future, and not the feelings of "oh man, if I marry this guy I know it will cause years of loneliness and heartache for the both of us."

So why am I not rejoicing over the fact that things aren't the same here without him???!????!!!??
It reminds me of one line from a Dixie Chicks song..."somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart that I'm better off without you..."

I really hope I don't run into him this weekend...well, in a way, i kinda do because for some reasons i love to torture myself...

Just for the record, I have been seeking God to help me deal with this whole situation, and have asked Him repeatedly to help me not harbour anger or become hardened and bitter, and I think without His intervention, I would be feeling way worse than I actually do...its just times like tonight that make me feel like I'm taking "two steps forward, one step back". I'm sure in another month or two I will be an entirely different gal (in a positive way).

Sorry for boring you all with this. But I really had to vent...I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to that understands what I'm going through (except God...He even collects my tears in a bottle, as said in the Psalms). I've always expressed myself better in writing, and in a way, I feel better after this little therapy session with myself. Maybe someday I'll write a song about it (I used to joke about how the only times I was really inspired to write anything good was in these times...sad, but true).

Are you my mother??

2005-10-07T21:30:00.000-06:00

I'm a terrible mother. Ha, did I get anyone's attention with that line? Yes, I have a "child", named Newman (not as in Andrew Newman, but as in Newman the Newt). I inherited Newman from a guy I knew who bought a dog and decided he couldn't properly look after a newt and a dog. So I have had Newman for approximately 3.5 years, which is a miracle in and of itself, because most people I talked to who have owned newts have had theirs die in under a year. There have been times when I thought Newman was ready to kick the bucket, such as the first time he starved himself. I couldn't get him to eat anything for almost two months, and I just assumed he was old and wanted to be put out of his misery (a form of passive euthanasia, I suppose). But, one day he crawled into his water and just started chomping away whenever he saw movement outside of his aquarium. He's a very ferocious newt. Sometimes I have to watch my fingers and make sure they don't get torn off when I feed him.

Anyhow, so the reason why I called myself a bad mother was because, to be completely honest, I forgot I even had a newt. No, I don't have alzheimer's or any other problems with memory loss, as far as I know, but when Rae and I moved to Edmonton, we were unable to take Newman and Billy Mack (our beta fish) with us because my car was packed to full capacity. So Newman's grandmother (my mom) graciously agreed to take care of our pets until we came back to Cold Lake. So the first thing I saw when I walked in the door of my parent's today was the two little aquariums...and it occurred to me that I haven't thought about Newman or Billy Mack at all this past month. My heart sank as I realized what a neglectful mother I had been. Luckily my mom is a little more on the ball, and kept our pets happy and healthy. I wonder if Newman missed me at all. Probably not...you should hear my mom talk to him like he has ears and can understand speech or something...she'll talk to him and say the funniest things.

Its bizarre on how attached you could get to something small and scaly, that can't be cuddled...but seeing as my siblings and I were neglected as children, not being allowed to have pets of the furry sort due to allergies, we had to resort to pets of the reptilian/amphibious species. Creepy...perhaps.

But to make up for it all, the first thing I'm going to do when I get into a place that allows it, is get myself a cute cuddly puppy. I'll cry when that happens. It'll be the most spoiled dog on the planet (next to Oprah's, I suppose). But again...if I forget about Newman, will I forget about my dog? What about when I have real children? Oh man, I think I'm in trouble...

Coffeeshop Diaries

2005-10-06T23:43:00.000-06:00

For those of you that don't know, I think my favorite job that I ever had was working at a coffeeshop in Kensington (Gentrified neighbourhood near downtown Calgary). For four years I made excellent coffee beverages, made fresh cookies and sandwiches, and dealt with the craziest of the crazies every single shift. It wasn't just my workplace- it was my home. It was where I went when I had something to mull over in my thoughts. Its where I met most of my friends. Its where I did the ministry that God was calling me to at that point in time (for the coffeeshop's main focus was actually building a bridge between Christ and Culture...a safe haven for those who were interested in knowing more about God and Christianity, but felt awkward going to a church building).

Anyhow, over the years I documented some of my experiences. I find them most humourous, but unless you worked there, everything I write will probably be just useless information....this is more to take me on a trip down memory lane than anything.

June 3/2002

It all started out with two alarms and a whole lot of confusion. I don't think my dream was ready for a conclusion, but it got one anyways. I was living in a nice condo on the beach somewhere in California, and all I could do was swim and sun tan...ahhh yeah. Then bitter reality set in: I'm still here in Calgary, the sky is still grey, and the beaches are still as non-existent as the population of good, hardworking (available) men. Oh yes, the air is smelling sweeter as I'm getting older. It only took a few moments for me to deal with the disappointment and clear the cob webs from my head. Time for another morning at the coffeeshop.

A little Pedro the Lion helped me deal with the water that flooded the bar area (keeping what sanity I've managed to save throughout my 20 years of existence). The first person in the door was the pastry guy, no chit-chat, just take the money and run. I don't think I had a crazy look on my face, and I DID shower...hmmm..must be him.

The rest of the morning consisted of pastry arranging, cleaning, cleaning some more, and then trying to look busy by cleaning. I think the most interesting conversation I had was with Ava about what we could do to keep her from kissing the boys that come into Hotwax (the record store Ava worked at in Kensington)...to prevent her from spreading what she thought was mono. Somehow that lead to a short but animated discussion on movies about aliens, evil men, ghosts, and vampires...what a gal.

The classifieds held nothing that was of interest to me: although, for someone who loved to see knives, or be in a cheap movie, or found a thrill in pulling teeth and making small children and adults alike cringe, I'm sure it was a lovely paper. How I wish comic book guy (no, not the one from The Simpsons) would come in today and grace me with his mysterious (but groovy) presence. I've maybe only served him once or twice, but I sensed an understanding between us. Although we haven't gotten beyond the "would you like that to stay or go" line, I think there's a good possibility we could be friends.

---The noise of the blender pulls me out of my thoughtful state of mind. I look out the window and see the heavy clouds (with promise of blue skies). That "OK Liquor Store" van has been sitting at that light for quite awhile. And four ladies walk out of the Tandoori Hut (East Indian Cuisine) dressed like they just flew in from India, then they got into their nice new shiny black Honda Civic....not that I'm dissatisfied with my brown '86 Chrysler New Yorker grandpa car that talks (hence, giving it the name Johnny 5, after the movie "Short Circuit"), but it just reminds me of how little money I have to be blowing on stupid things...it pains me to even buy groceries! I think the leader of the Hell's Angels just walked by with one of his many love slaves that looks as equally threatening as he does---

Back to my story..now where was I? Oh yeah, Comic Book guy. I met him a few weeks ago, I think it may have been on a weekend, probably in the late afernoon. Yeah, it was Saturday. Not an eye-catcher by some people's standards, but for some reason, he caught mine. And as I took off my apron, and made a move to sit near him up at the bar, who waltzes in the door, sits right between us, and puts his slimy arm around me? None other than that ethiopian guy who promises every girl he meets to make them an African queen. He asks me when we're going to get married, and I finally told him that I didn't want to bear his children. So he moved on to another subject...this time he claimed to know who bombed the twin towers on September 11th. Comic Book Guy continued with his sketches, not appearing to be bothered by this man claiming to be from Africa (who I'm pretty certain actually grew up in Saskatchewan), but the connection was broken. And as he packed his stuff and left (my heart sinking to the concrete floor), Ethiopian guy asks if that was my boyfriend. I said no, I didn't even know him. And he responds "Well, he seemed pretty mad when I came to sit between you two."

Curses! I honestly think I'm doomed to a life of near-hits. I keep getting those curve balls hurled at me. But its elementary school rules. I'm at bat until I hit that darn ball out of the park. No three strikes and I'm out...dang.

Anyways, my days don't really hold more than the $5 I made in tips. And my spare time is spent at the place I work and play. The House. Gotta love it.

Note: I believe that was the last time I ever saw the alleged Comic Book Guy
Note: That was the second last experience I had with the creepy "Ethiopian" guy from Saskatchewan
Note:The whole baseball talk was a metaphor for my crappy love life. I'm still swinging at those curve balls praying for a hit sometime in the future.
Note: I don't still drive an '86 New Yorker, but it was one of the coolest cars I ever had, despite its appearance

Tragic Flaw (of a hero)

2005-10-05T23:56:00.000-06:00

So, I've been thinking the past few days about a particular subject...one of which I will discuss after considering the lyrics of a very talented band that once existed a few years back (ok, ok, so the band was me and four guys from Prairie Bible College, and we only ever had one "concert" that we put on at the Bible College, but I must give ourselves credit that we wrote our own stuff, and even put out a little demo, which, by the way, is available for anyone who wants a copy)

Tragic Flaw (of a hero)

Yesterday, I would go about saving the world
From all those nasty villains who tear apart dreams and things
It seemed I was a hero:
Always dependable, arriving in the nick of time to glue things back together
It seemed I was a hero, but I had a tragic flaw

What can a hero do when she's running out of glue
And her hands are clumsy, and her eyes are too tired to see anymore?

So, while out smoothing the affairs of those in need
I neglected the hunger inside of me, which started like a thought,
Mere imagination,
But spread like wildfire
It seemed I was a hero, but I couldn't save myself

So, what can a hero do when she's running out of glue
And her hands are clumsy, and her eyes are too tired to see anymore?

It seemed I was a hero,
but I need a Bigger Hero now.

I wrote this song at a time in my life where I just wanted everything in the world to be alright. I was still young (well, I suppose I still am), but I felt like I was the one trying to hold friendships together, be really involved in school and with the youth group and other ministries, "saving the world" or so to speak. I would get frustrated when people weren't getting along, or some of my friends weren't accepting the gospel. I was wearing myself out trying to be involved in anything and everything...I don't know what was wrong with me, to think that I could singlehandedly change the world (or Cold Lake atleast). At this point, I started to realize that, though my intentions were good, I was going about things the wrong way: I was doing everything on my own strength, and I wasn't really getting anywhere but worn out.

I think this issue is very common with people involved in ministry, whether it be pastors, worship leaders, sunday school teachers, or even church secretaries. It is very easy to get caught up in trying to be there for everyone else, that we forget that "He who calls [us] is faithful, who also will do it."(1 Thess. 5:24) God calls us into ministry, but we can't forget that it is by His strength that we are able to accomplish His will. We can often get so overwhelmed by all of our obligations that we can also forget that we too need to be fed spiritually and encouraged and challenged in our quiet times with God, and in fellowship with other believers.

Yes, at the tender age of 17 I realized these things. Then I went to Bible school and came back ready to take on the world...what a reality check. Four years of trying to impact lives on both an individual and global scale, but without making sure to have things right in my own relationship with God, and I'm just "getting it" again. Yeah, it took some heartbreak and some broken dreams, but I'm exactly in the state of mind where God can use me how He wants.

Can any of you relate?

Second Chances

2005-10-04T21:52:00.000-06:00

Relationships are strange- being the social creatures that we are, a significant part of our lives rely on relationships with others. It seems as though most of our day consists of interpersonal interactions with others, on one level or another. Relationships are dynamic: always changing in some degree, either growing closer together, or falling apart (which is what that last poem I wrote was talking about, using the metaphor of the seasons).

I've been thinking about this particular issue because of one relationship with a friend that I have known for most of my life. We grew up going to school together, and became inseparable in grade six. Now, I would not say that this was the wisest choice I've made of people to let into my life, but I was young, and she was cool, and we did have a lot of fun together (a little too much fun, as some teenagers tend to have these days). But, as often happens in relationships, we had a falling out in around grade 10. I went on a missions trip that summer to Tijuana, Mexico, and although I didn't notice too much, I guess that trip really changed me. I no longer desired to go out and do the things my friends and I were previously involved in. As a result, I was no longer a part of the group that my friend and I hung out with (partly by my choice, and partly because I became an outcast).

So, for the rest of high school my friend and I were pretty casual in our acquaintance. Then we graduated, and I never heard from her again. Until now. This summer, out of the blue, she called me up to see if I wanted to go out with her and a few other old friends from high school. It was really fun to see all of them again, and catch up on where our lives have taken us. I was surprised to learn that she had a baby, and was getting married this fall. She lived in Stoney Plain, just outside of Edmonton, and told me that if I moved to the city, to definitely give her a call. Well, I'm here, and she tracked me down...we've gone out to lunch this past week, and I'm headed to her place tomorrow for a girl's night.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Its kind of strange, actually. Not that I don't like her or don't want to hang out, but its bizarre that after being so close, and then all those years of not talking at all, we've all of the sudden been connected again. One of my past regrets was that I never was a good example of Christ to her while we were friends: I let her drag me down. Now God has allowed us to reconnect, and I'm hoping that this can be a positive experience. It's something that I never would have thought to come about, this reunion with my friend, but for some reason that I'm sure is part of God's plan for my life (and hers), I have a second chance. I only hope I don't blow it...

Seasons Change

2005-10-03T23:15:00.000-06:00

The cold wind blows
And I fall, unable to hang on.
It's nothing new;
Seasons change and so do we,
so do you.

What can I say?
I miss the sun; it sets early now
nights are longer
And I pray to make it through
without you.

The leaves are beautiful
But we're all mislead
For changing colors mean they're dead
And though we hope the grass will stay
It's inevitable to end this way.
I know it well, this winter hell:

The snow will fall
All will freeze, giving impressions of
desolation.
Winter's long, but spring will come,
bringing new;
You'll see it too.

Oh Grandma

2005-10-03T15:38:00.000-06:00

So, I love my Grandma. At 89 years young, she's quite the character, never failing to do something really amusing. For example, she's up visiting my parents in Cold Lake right now, and she did something today that involved a window, tea towel, and a dead bird.

I guess a bird hit the window really hard and fell to the ground outside. So my grandma and mom ventured out to see if it was ok. My grandma decides she's going to pick it up and try and find a heartbeat to know if it was still alive or not, and after a moment, she realizes she doesn't even know where the heart is located in a bird. So they set a tea towel on the ground, and place the bird on it, in the sun light to see if it would revive. It didn't.

And I suppose there's lots of scandal going on at the Senior's lodge, and some of it involves Grandma. There is this woman named Effy Butterwick, and one time she and grandma had a little squabble over a man. This man happened to sit at my grannie's table one meal, and Effy was jealous because she had a crush on him and thought grandma was trying to steal him away from her. Sound like high school?

My grandma also likes to neatly organize our plastic grocery bags by folding them and placing them in a little pile on the shelf. She also likes to darn our old holey socks. And when she's feeling particularly energetic, she'll stay up late at night cleaning the kitchen. One Christmas, she bought all her kids this Rotato thing, where you put a potato or apple or whatever you want peeled on a stick, and turn a handle, and a little blade goes around and peels it. It didn't work too well...

Anyhow, she's awesome, and I'm glad I get to see her this weekend for Thanksgiving.

Managing life's crises

2005-10-02T20:36:00.000-06:00

Dang. I hate it when the computer just randomly shuts off while you're in the middle of something important...like blogging. It was so good, and then the computer just shuts down. Maybe its because I let my Anti-virus expire two months ago cause I didn't have the money to renew my subscription. Oh well, I bit the bullet and got it renewed...$50 later. Why should we have to pay $50 a year just for stupid virus protection? That's like half the price of my renter's insurance for a year. But what would I do without my computer...? Most of my life these past few years has relied heavily on this particular technology. How many hours have I spent searching research journals and writing papers for classes? How many job ads have I examined, how many resumes have I written and sent away? How many late nights talking on MSN to friends and now writing blogs? Perhaps the expense of virus protection is worth keeping my PC clean and virus free. Sometimes I wonder who invented computer viruses? Honestly, I don't know who would take the time to do such a thing. Come one guys, get a life! I really get a kick out of those people who send away nasty viruses to unsuspecting people's emails. What drives someone to do something so awful...and nerdy?

Anyhow, I was writing an email on how good church was and how I'm really glad that I forced myself out of bed this morning to go (and no, it wasn't just good because of the pizza). Since going to Central, we've been listening to a series on 'managing life's crises', which seems particularly fitting to my life right now, because it seems like I've been bombarded with one little crises after another (more than I've ever had at once, anyways). The messages have really been putting into perspective on how exactly I should go about dealing with these issues. Here's a little of what I've been learning.

First, it is important to define the term 'crisis.' The Chinese do that really well: they use the characters for 'danger' and 'opportunity' for crisis. The reality of our lives and how we deal with them can either spell out treading out into dangerous territory, or creating good opportunity from the bad circumstance. The vital part on the outcome is how God fits into the equation.

Reality- God = Danger

Reality + God = opportunity.

I could see on how we can create danger for ourselves when ignoring God to help us through our issues. We really are selfishly motivated creatures, aren't we, just looking to gratify the lusts of the flesh. Not adding God to the equation can spell disaster, leaving us angry, lost, cynical, hurt, and even more depraved than we were before.

Making God front and center into the equation is how we can create opportunity. Because, let's face it, God's quite a bit smarter than we are, and He knows what choices will be good for us, and which will be bad. So how do be include God in dealing with crises?

I think, once coming to terms with the reality of the crisis, one must come to terms with God and having faith in who He is. He tells us in His word to 'pray without ceasing,' and 'ask, and it shall be given to you.' So, we must pray in times of crises, being persistent, and expecting an answer. When the time is right, God will direct one of what action to take. For one who's lost their job, it might be "consider a career change and apply to this post-secondary program." To those with health issues, it may be "take better care of your body" or "take this opportunity to draw nearer to Me."
Once God gives guidance, we must trust His judgement and do what He says. There will be hardships and things hindering us from reaching our goal, but in the words of the author of Hebrews : "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

So, I've been really challenged in these messages, on how I am to deal with my present situation. I really do want to put God front and center in my life, and trust Him to lead me through these issues. I don't want to create more danger for myself (trust me, I've created enough for myself these past few years). I'm ready to make things right and get focused on the race set before me.

And I feel that I'm getting on the right track. This weekend was really good, and for the first time in a few months I've been feeling a sense of peace with everything. I may not like where I am, but I'm feeling o.k. It dawned on me, as I was cooking supper tonight, that I'm feeling more like "Me" than I have in four years. I'm feeling comfortable with who I am (in Christ), and looking forward to finding out where I'm headed.

i'm cold and tired and i can't type

2005-10-02T00:57:00.000-06:00

i don't know why it got so cold all of a sudden here in E-town. We left the window in our living room open all day, and its freezing now. My fingers are like little icicles and i can't type properly.

Anyhow, congratulations to Kyle who was, thus far, the only one to attempt to figure out what my IPA sentence said in my last entry. I'm a little disappointed though, cause it should have only taken you about 10 seconds to figure it out. Oh well, still, here are your three gold stars:

By the way, I don't think I can hand out any more gold stars since the translation for the sentence was documented in the comments section. Nice try everyone.

So anyways, I decided today that I don't like malls very much. Don't get me wrong, I am very girly in the fact that I love shopping...oh man, if I could get paid sweet money just to shop, I would (maybe I should become a mystery shopper...), and I love to browse around in almost every store, and (occasionally) buy things...but why does the mall always give me a headache? I don't think I'm agoraphobic or claustrophobic, but something about all the crowds, and getting cut off by people running infront of you and then getting stuck behind grandma and grandpa out for a Sunday cruise, its very much like car traffic, which also frustrates me. In a way I wish there were driving lanes in the mall, only walking lanes I suppose. One side of the corridors are for traffic heading one direction, and vice versa. There would be little turning lanes and all. And officers patrolling to hand out tickets to violators. Hmmm...what would shopping at WEM be like if that's how it was? Actually, I'd probably go crazy and hijack some motorized cart and start running people over. Not a pretty picture.

Tomorrow after church they're giving out free pizza for those who stay after the service. You'd have to be crazy not to want to stay for free pizza and fellowship. That's like not staying for a potluck. Unbelievable. I love GCAC's potlucks. That's one thing I'll definitely miss...(not to mention all the amazing people there...who cook all the food...ha), but I am happy to announce that I get next weekend off and I will be returning home for Thanksgiving. Things are starting to look up.

By the way, that's a story in itself. So I get to work last shift, and my manager was complaining that I keep taking all these days off, and I was like, what are you talking about? I only booked two days off for this weekend! And he said, No, you're booked off for next weekend too, friday saturday sunday monday...and my jaw dropped. I don't recall booking those days off in advance. I didn't even know when Thanksgiving was until a few days ago. I seriously think either:
1)I have premature alzheimers, and just don't remember booking it off
2)My mom called my work and threatened to hurt them unless they let me come home for Thanksgiving
3) My name miraculously appeared in the day's off binder...

I'm so confused...but so excited for turkey. Who's coming to my house for dinner next weekend?

Hmmm...i know in the title of this entry I said I was tired, but its funny how when you're cold you wake up a little. I feel like I could run a marathon, or do all three DVDs of Pilates...almost

Rae and I went to Sam's house tonight. He has two elevators in his apartment, lucky duck, but thing is, one of the elevators is broken because apparently some dudes trying to move in today busted it by holding the door open too long or something. To me that doesn't make any sense. Why would an elevator break because its door was kept open? If I was an elevator, and my door was held open for too long, I wouldn't break down, I'd just be ticked off. Maybe slam my doors into the guy's hand. That'll learn 'em

Anyhow, enough with my ADD blog. I think I should get into my nice warm bed and fall asleep so i can wake up in time for church and pizza tomorrow. Actually...i think the window is open in my room too...ooh...nice cold bed for me.

Goodnight everyone.

drim blag for æ lıŋgwıst

2005-09-30T23:40:00.000-06:00

aj hæv dısajdəd to traj ænd rajt æn εntajr blag juzıŋ aj.pi.ej. b٨t ıts tejkıŋ wej tu laŋ.
Dang. Why aren't all computers equipped for transcribing in IPA at ease? For anyone who wants to know what that previous sentence said, you'll have to bribe me real good. For anyone who can tell me what it says, I'll award all of my admiration, plus three gold stars. Who didn't like getting gold stars as a kid?

Anyways, I didn't really have anything to blog about tonight, except the fact that I think sometimes that I need serious help. To illustrate what sort of 'help' I need, here are several examples:

1) I am sitting here on a Friday night at midnight amusing myself by attempting to write a blog in the phonetic alphabet.

2) I somehow imagined myself meeting the man of my dreams on the internet, when he came across my phonetic blog, and responded in the comment section by using the IPA. I then imagined how we would incorporate that into our wedding, such as invitations written in IPA, with a phonetic's guide sent to everyone so they could actually read the invitation.

3) I'm not sure if I am actually serious or just trying to be funny on option #2...it would make for an interesting romance story, wouldn't it? People would ask how we met and fell in love, and it would involve blogs, the internet, and linguistics.

I'm seriously a geek. If anyone has any suggestions for me in being less 'keen' please tell me.

Oh, and just a thought I had tonight: Would I also be considered a geek just for the fact that I do record my thoughts in blog form? Once you think about it, isn't it kind of creepy that we 'bloggers' record some of our deepest thoughts on here for random people to read and comment on? Through the few peoples blog sites I am aware of, I instantly have access to an almost innumerable amount of other people by clicking on everyone's links. Is that the whole point of this? I must admit, it is kind of cool, how technology has really advanced globalization. But again...is this creepy? Am I creepy for reading random people's blogs?

I think I really need to resolve this issue...

Love Advocate for a Needy Friend

2005-09-29T13:11:00.000-06:00

Today I am going beyond the scope of regular friendship, and becoming a revolutionary love advocate on behalf of my friend, J.M.S. Here is a little bit about her:

She makes an excellent cup of tea
She's got gorgeous eyes and a lovely smile
She's rather witty in her own little way
Her taste in folk music is...amusing
She has a great personality and can get along with pretty much anyone she wants to (notice the *wants*, if you're not lucky enough to get on her list of people she'd like to know, don't worry, you'll know if you're on the list or not...*jk*)
She's very family oriented
She's traveled extensively around the world and is looking for more adventures, particularly with 'someone special'
She has the desire to grow closer with God

Applicants should have the following qualifications:

be over the age of 22 and have some sort of career or be actively pursuing a career, particularly in Church Ministry (but let's not be too picky here)
be of the male gender
enjoy a good cup of tea
have an interest in (or a willingness to learn about) folk music
Not be intimidated by large families (in number, not descriptive quality) ,or large brothers, to be specific..(in descriptive quality and in number)
Have the ability to entertain her with interesting witty conversation. Great blogs are an asset.
Be actively pursuing to become closer with God
Don't have any bizarre physical abnormalities (or be willing to manage them to a tolerable state) including and not limited to the following: unibrow, webbed fingers and toes, bad breath, excessive tattoos, or hair past the buttocks.

If anything in my friend's description catches your interest, and you meet all of the above listed qualifications, please do not hesitate to forward your resume to jeglubish@shaw.ca. Note that only short-listed candidates will be contacted for an interview.

Competition will remain open until a suitable candidate is found.

underbaked chocolate goo, and missing him too

2005-09-28T22:37:00.000-06:00

href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6998/1648/1600/2004_1115misc0012.jpg">So, just incase any of you were wondering how the brownies turned out...they were good...on the outside. Apparently my oven is retarded, and even though I cooked them five minutes longer than the recipe said, they still turned out like batter in the middle. I'm no Iron Chef, I suppose, which by the way, is on TV. What a delightful show.

I'm feeling kind of...well, I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. Sad but hopeful? I came to the realization today that Thanksgiving is next weekend, and that I never booked the time off work. And even if I had tried to book the time off work, I more than likely wouldn't have gotten it because I booked this weekend off. And even if I had gotten next weekend off, I wouldn't be able to afford to take the time off, because I only got two crappy shifts this week because I got the weekend off. *sigh* The restaurant business is a cruel world, it is, for what industry makes their workers miss thanksgiving dinner with their family just to work at a stupid restaurant that sells pizza? no one goes out for pizza on thanksgiving. So anyways, even though I haven't seen the schedule for next week yet, I'm pretty sure I'll be scheduled on the weekend, therefore making me not be able to go home for Thanksgiving, which means I'll be spending it alone. My sister is going home for the weekend, so are my best friend and her husband. Again, I will be alone.

And to add to my feelings of alone, I find myself really missing 'him' today. How do you go from talking to each other at least twice a day for the past two years to never talking again. I think I've handled it pretty well, its been 41 days since we last spoke. It just sucks that our last conversation involved me standing in his kitchen trying to actually sit down and work through some things, and him looking at me with the most pained expression, and then running to his room at the verge of tears, telling me he didn't want to see me. And as he slammed his door he said "call me if you want to". I wish I could... call ,I mean. But every time we had spoken since we broke up he accused me of the most awful things, and would end up just hanging up on me without giving me the chance to defend myself. So I left a note on his kitchen counter, explaining that I would love to keep in contact with him, but it was obviously hurting the both of us. So no more contact. No more phone calls in the middle of the night just to say 'I love you.' No more 'how was your day' and 'I can't wait to see you.' But then again, those days were gone long ago. He pushed me out of his life months ago and somehow is blaming me for leaving and breaking his heart...he had been breaking mine continually with his actions. How does that work, exactly? I never asked for this either. I didn't realize he was so self-centered until now.

I've been trying to deal with this, amidst all the other crappy situations in my life right now. I put our picture away (how I am feeling the song by Cheryl Crow and Kid Rock right now). The space on my bedside table where it once sat was replaced with a plant I bought at Superstore. I try not to let myself think of him, but its hard when he's in my dreams every night (funny, the one time I try to escape from these problems and rest, they surface to rekindle my thoughts). I even try to convince myself of how badly he treated me, and how awful our relationship was, listing all of the bad qualities he had...and then I feel like an awful person for thinking those things. Because despite all his downfalls (we all have them), I really did love him. Part of me always will. No matter how much he hurt me, I will still always care and worry about how he's doing. And I'll always wonder if he still thinks of me...what he thinks of me. I know I did the right thing in coming here, so why do I feel so guilty?? What will it take for me to get over the guilt and the 'what ifs' and not wishing its him every time the phone rings (which I'm glad its not him, to think of it, cause that would be some awkward conversation).

Oh well. I guess I can feel comfort in the fact that people break up every day. I'm not the only one feeling like this right now. It could have been worse...we could have been married and had 3 kids or something, and be going throughthe motions of a split. The divorce rate these days both saddens and scares me. I don't want to be bitter and cynical, but sometimes I wonder if its better just to die single rather than to chance heartache like that. (Note that this is just my hurt heart talking, and no I dont' desire to die single and alone, much the opposite, actually). I wrote a poem a few years back when I was experiencing this same thing, and it brings me comfort to read when I'm feeling down...cause I know God knows how I feel, and it hurts Him to see me like this. I like how the Bible says He collects our tears in a bottle...so He's here right now, through all of this. Though I feel alone, I am not truly alone, for the God who created me is with me.

Reflecting on my life, where I'm headed, places been
I can't help but cringe at how my heart is prone to sin
Sometimes at night I shiver, haunted by the memories
And You listen cause You love me, You give me what I need

And I'll never comprehend what You felt and what You knew
But I know it breaks Your heart to see me suffer like I do
Cause You've already freed me from this prison that I'm in
And you're calling me to higher ground, to walk away from sin

You will always carry me when I'm too weak to stand
All I need to do is trust, and grasp Your mighty hand
And follow where You lead me like a Shepherd with His sheep
Your promises never fail, as You'll remind me when I sleep

By the way, Mom and Joy (I can speak so candidly on these issues because you are the only two people who read these things), don't worry about me too much. I'm just feeling a little emotional tonight. It will pass and I'll feel better I'm sure. I'm looking forward to this weekend where I get to spend some much needed time with my friends.

That's all for tonight folks.

death by chocolate

2005-09-28T12:28:00.000-06:00

So, here I am today finding myself being the best multi-tasker ever. I am in the middle of dishes, baking birthday brownies, cleaning the house, writing resumes, and trying to get myself ready for the day. Add a kid to the mixture, and you would swear that I was a sweet little housewife. But I'm not...I'm just a cynical underemployed roommate who has more time on her hands than she knows what to do with.

These brownies, by the way, are the richest, chocolatiest things I have ever consumed in my entire life. I'm not bragging of my culinary skills (anyone can follow a recipe) but rather of the clever lady who thought up this wonderful recipe. They're seriously a cross between chocolate fudge and chocolate brownies. Wow...I can't wait till they're done. I can't burn em, cause I got the little egg time timing away, so unless I have a sudden bout of auditory impairment, I think I'll be ok.

Thinking about these brownies got me to thinking about the store Death By Chocolate, which then got me thinking, has anyone ever died because of chocolate? So the wheels in my brain started turning to think of the many possible ways that someone may have died because of chocolate. Here are some viable options:

(the egg timer just went off, but they were still batter in the middle)

1) Two pregnant ladies, both with intense cravings for chocolate find themselves fighting over the last piece of McCain's Deep and Delicious Cake at a dinner party. After much yelling, one of the husbands tells them to stop squabbling and share the piece of cake. One pregnant lady grabs the knife and waves it dramatically in the air, and stabs...at the cake. They share the cake, but unfortunately for one lady a large chunk of chocolate that never melted during the cooking of the cake was found in her piece of cake, and being the chocolate glutton that she was, she ate the entire piece of chocolate cake in one bite and started choking on the giant chocolate chip. No one had their First Aid course, so no one could perform the Heimlich manouver, and thus she suffocated (which caused her body to start delivering the baby, which, by the way, was not harmed in the event)

(egg time rings again, the brownies look glorious)

2) I know the first option sounded really unbelievable, but this one has happened, I am certain. Severe allergies to chocolate. I know you're thinking, what about nut allergies, that happens lots with chocolate, but then, it wouldn't be death by chocolate would it? It would be death by hazlenut, etc. So, there must be someone out there who is deathly allergic to Cocoa. Maybe this individual was caught cheating on their spouse, who then went crazy and got revenge by lacing the mashed potatoes with cocoa powder.

3) The little kid in Charlie and the Chocolate factory who falls into the chocolate river doesn't actually get saved. He drowns.

4) Type 2 diabetes from consuming too much chocolate, later causing death...?

5)hmmm...my imagination has run out. all the other options i can think of somehow indirectly involve chocolate, whereas death was not a direct result of chocolate...wait, i got one more

6) Scientists create a giant chocolate beast (kinda like the stay-puffed marshmallow man from ghost busters) and it goes on a rampage through New York city, or Tokyo, or wherever most of the other ficticious beasts rampage. Thus, millions are killed by being crushed by the giant chocolate man.

Anyhow, I'd best be going and make some icing for my brownies. If I don't blog again, it can be certain that I've somehow experienced death by chocolate.

2005-09-27T12:47:00.000-06:00

The Rant

So, I think this constitutes day 21 on the job search. I'm trying really hard not to let this excruciatingly painful process bring down my spirits, but that's near impossible. Day in and day out I spend atleast 6 hours looking at job postings, writing resumes, and sending them off. I've even ventured to Human Resources downtown and talked to a Career Consultant. That was funny, actually, because the guy didn't understand why I had come down there to see him. He joked that I should take his job, cause it seemed like I knew what I was doing when it came to looking for work. Ha, ya right. Why is it then that a smart, talented, qualified girl like me has sent out probably 100 resumes and only had two interviews (one of which was useless cause the guy already knew who he wanted to hire but was just going through the interviewing motions for legality reasons, and the other was for a job I knew I wouldn't want in a million years...I just went for the practice).
I don't know, are people scared off by the fact that I have a BA in Linguistics? What do they think it is anyways? I'm sure that most of them don't know, and think the only skills I have are transcribing lost languages of ancient tribes in the african jungle or something. Sure, my career search may not require a skill set of analyzing the deep structure of sentences, or the semantic quality of a statement (or propositional logic.....*shudder*), or even the vocal quality of a speaker...but surely the skills I gained are useful? Research and presentation abilities at the University level, ability to effiectively communicate information to a variety of audiences, excellent time management and organizational skills, excellent interpersonal abilities, countless hours of experience using Microsoft programs (seriously, every single job I have applied for requires all of the above, which I think any college or university graduate has). Its seriously making me wonder what is wrong with our society? Why are universities offering programs whereupon their graduates are not getting hired? Why did I spend 4 years of my life and $50 000 to work at Boston Pizza? I'm really starting to feel ripped off and cheated by this. I'm feeling to the point that if I could turn back four years of my life, I wouldn't have gone to university. I would have gone and received some 1 or 2 year diploma at maybe SAIT or Grant MacEwan, and have had me a career for over two years now.
I'm not saying I don't value the vast amounts of information that were shoved into this brain of mine, infact I found probably 75% of what I learned to be very fascinating, I just wish that my experience was getting me somewhere...anywhere...
This frustration is definitely not helping me to cope with the fact that I am here in Edmonton. I never liked the city (I am not referring to this particular city, just cities in general). I only came here because it was my only option of removing myself from a destructive relationship. Plus I figured my chances of finding a job I liked would be way higher here than in Cold Lake. From the sounds of it, I've had more job offers there than I have here.

I love the country. I love small towns and their quirky people, and the one restaurant and store that everyone goes to. A couple summers back I wrote an entry in my journal that best explains this small town love:

Who am I kidding? I don't want the education, the good paying jobs, the material possessions, the lights, the 'selection,' the fast paced society.
I'm a country girl. I want the smell of the soil and grain and water. I want to make do with what I have, enjoy the sun, see the stars every night. I would give up everything to breathe the fresh air, hear the wind in the grass, watch a spider spin its web...
but all of this with a man I love. This small town girl needs a small town guy. I couldn't ask for anything more.

So why am I here if that's what my heart truly desires? In a moment of desperation I decided to move, and I believe the circumstances that led to my decision were from God, therefore, God lead me to this place. I just wish that His plans weren't so unclear to me right now. I am not distrusting that He will provide the right things for me at the right time. I know that He provides the strength to deal with the problems that rise each day. And I do know one of the purposes He had for bringing me here- to come back to the place where I am fully dependent on His provision. To trust that He is my Creator and Sustainer. To come to the place where I wake up every morning excited to see what He has planned for me that day. To love Him more than anything this world has to offer 'Because [His] love is better than life.'
For these reasons I stay in a place I despise. I may grow to love it here, or this may just be a place of transition. As long as He asks me to stay, I will.

I'll end this rant with the lyrics to a song I wrote my first year in Calgary. Again I find it somewhat humourous that my experiences then and now are so similar:

Another day in the city
It's so hard being so far away
And I feel so trapped by all the concrete and people
the traffic and the noise
And I wonder how long its going to feel this way-
I can't take it another day

Then Your voice calls out and asks me to stay
You hold me close as my world crumbles away
And I rest in You

There've been times where I get so lost
Funny how its on the same old street
But somehow, through the lights,
I can still see the stars shining just for me
And the cold ain't so cold
Cause I can feel your presence guiding me home

And your voice calls out and asks me to stay
You hold me close as my world crumbles away
And I rest in You

2005-09-27T00:08:00.000-06:00

DEJA VU...?

Its funny...the term 'history repeats itself' hasn't meant too much to me in the past, yet these last few weeks have seemed oddly familiar to me in a way. Perhaps I should explain a little of the history to which I am referring.

This takes you back exactly four years ago. I had graduated from Capernwray Harbour the spring before, and I was moving to Calgary to begin my University career. Me and my boyfriend at the time broke up right before I moved, so I found myself alone in the apartment my brother and I shared, trying to mend my broken heart, and trying to fit into a city where I knew no one. Sure, I kept myself busy at school, but even that was overwhelming- my school was twice the size of my hometown of Cold Lake, AB. It was a tough time for me, and fitting in was something that took a couple of years to happen...

Fast forward four years to the present: let's see the similarities:

just graduated from school: CHECK
just broke up with boyfriend in Cold Lake: CHECK
move to new city: CHECK
living in an apartment with sibling: CHECK
know next to no one: CHECK
feel alone: CHECK
wonder where the heck my life is headed: CHECK

I've heard people say your life gets better once you're out of high school. I don't know who these people were, but they must live in a bubble or something. Or be spoiled rockstars. I don't know...

Anyhow, so anyone reading this must think I'm totally depressing or something. But there is a hopeful point to these musings, its on its way, surely...?

So, it occured to me the other day that I am in the same place as I was four years ago. The prior experience was brutal, I literally wasted away in my loneliness and confusion. But this time, although tough, I'm not letting it get me down. I don't know why God brought me back to this place again, but I'm here, and this time I'm looking for the lesson that I'm meant to learn. This time I'm trying to keep optimistic about my future. This time I am clinging to the hope that God has a specific plan for my life, and I am willing to go in any direction He leads me. This time, He could take me anywhere: I'm not tied down to a 4 year university committment (just a 5 year car payment plan...) Its scary, yet exciting.

Hmmm...I wonder what will happen this year. Here are the four most likely options:

1) I get 'discovered' singing Karaoke at the ghetto bar across the street from me, and my first single is featured on Shine FM by Christmas. Maybe a rendition of 'Silent Night' would be a good start.
2)I meet the man of my dreams in the checkout at H&W (the discount produce store in Millwoods), and after a whirlwind romance that includes lots of long walks, him cooking me supper, flowers, and candy, we run off to Barbados to get married on a beach. Everyone is invited.
3)I win the nobel peace prize for all my hard work at Boston Pizza South Edmonton Commons. Maybe I'll come up with some way to feed all the starving people in Africa with a few measly pizzas, kind of like Jesus did with the loaves and fishes, only mine will involve cloning somehow...along with prayer.
4)I lose my legs after a beam from a burning building falls on me just after I save a family of 6 and their dog Spot from the flames. I would not be able to save Fluffy the cat (that's ok, I don't like cats anyways), but I get a cool medal for my heroism. And bionic legs.

Yeah, so anyways, like I said, those are the four most likely things I will experience this year. But, I suppose we'll have to wait and see. I'll keep everyone posted...or if not, I'm sure my mom will. She likes to talk about me and my sister's 'adventures'